Relationship Advice: Safety, Intimacy, and Fun

When people come in for marriage counseling, they bring their own expectations. Some people expect the therapist to say one spouse is wrong and the other right. Others expect to talk only about the problems in the marriage. Many come not knowing if they want to stay together or if they want to divorce. They do know they don't want the marriage to continue as it has been.

Playing off of that last expectation, one of the questions I usually ask is, ``If you could design your relationship any way you wanted it, what would it be like?''

Some common themes usually emerge. People often want a sense of connection, feelings of closeness and friendship and/or the passion they once felt for each other.

One of the most common themes I have noticed in recent years can be summed up by the words ``safety, intimacy and fun.'' Each of these ingredients brings a special and important quality to marriage. Let's take a closer look.

Safety

Even though this is a given, it's important to emphasize that safety from any kind of abuse is necessary for a marriage to thrive. If there is any kind of abuse, get help immediately.

Having said that, there are a few other key factors that promote the sense of safety:

Freedom to express emotions. Being able to talk about how you feel without being told you are wrong for feeling that way is crucial in creating an atmosphere of safety.

Hearing about the other person's emotions without interpreting them as a statement of your worth. Many couples get stuck on this one. Sometimes feelings just are; they are not necessarily a comment on the other person.

A growing sense of trust. Sometimes in marriage, trust can be damaged. It's important to make sure that trust is increasing rather than diminishing.

Intimacy

When we talk about intimacy, we often think of sex. While sex is an important (and fun) part of intimacy in marriage, there are many other factors that create intimacy.

Have you ever considered that intimacy is a skill? But it's just not one that most of us are taught while growing up.

Here are a few of the key skills involved in intimacy:

Self-disclosure. This is the ability to talk about how you feel and to let someone into your emotional world. In a sense, this is honoring the other person by saying ``you are important enough for me to share with you my deepest thoughts and feelings.''

Vulnerability. Somehow we get the notion that we have to be tough and strong all the time. In a healthy relationship, there is a trading back and forth of strength and vulnerability. It's a sign of trust in a relationship.

Empathy. The ability to step into others' emotional worlds and ``see through their eyes and feel through their hearts.''

Fun

Many couples complain that they no longer have fun together. They feel like roommates at best and strangers at worst.

Part of the glue that holds marriages together is sharing fun times together. The memories of fun together can keep you going in the rough times as well.

Here are two suggestions for increasing fun in your marriage:

Think back to some of the most fun times you have had as a couple. Choose some of the things you did in the past. Now do them again. I know that sounds too simple, but it really can be.

Each partner should make a list of things he or she likes to do for fun. Exchange lists. Then each person gets to pick two things to do off of the other person's list. Plan on when to do them. Then do them.

More safety, intimacy and fun strengthens your marriage. You might want to try working on each of these over the next few months.

Enjoy the changes.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

Adultery as Sexual Addiction: Should You Stay Married?

I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break... Read More

Romantic Tips - Keeping Romance Alive

You've been in a relationship for quite some time and... Read More

Victorias Secret Disclosed!

SHHHHHH, don't tell anybody, but, I know the secret.It all... Read More

Are You Codependent or Independent?

Why is it that depending on others to fulfill our... Read More

Fight, Flight, or Loving Action

Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When... Read More

Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Meet Emotional Needs

Harville Hendrix, in his book ``Getting the Love You Want''... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

Why You Should Be Happy You Caught Your Partner Cheating

The dictionary defines infidelity as "unfaithfulness to a sexual partner".... Read More

How To Support Friends and Loved Ones Through an Abusive Relationship

This is a question that comes up a lot. It's... Read More

Thinking Lingerie on Super Sunday?

February will bring with it one of the most important... Read More

Jinxed Relationships -- Are Yours?

Do you consider yourself unlucky in love? Have your relationships... Read More

Lingerie Buying Advice For Guys

Buying lingerie for your lover can be one of the... Read More

Why Some Men Dont Want To Commit

If you are dating, engaged, or still trying to find... Read More

Bring Back the Cilice Belt

Among Dan Brown's many accomplishments is bringing the cilice belt... Read More

How Not to Compromise With Your Partner

Do you ever disagree with your spouse? Or your boyfriend... Read More

What Till Death Do Us Part REALLY Means - Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Let me address this issue of eternity, this promise many... Read More

Power Struggle!

The greatest asset we have in human existence is our... Read More

Relationship Reality: Are Your Relationships Based In Reality or Fantasy?

Within the next two to three minutes, you will uncover... Read More

Does a Woman Want a Strong Christian Man?

Most women say they want a strong religious man who... Read More

Relationship Advice - 10 Ways to Put Sizzle Back in Your Relationship

It seems that no matter how much we love someone,... Read More

Top Ten List of What to Do and What Not to Do in Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone... Read More

The Simple Facts About Falling In Love

We are meant to live a life of love. However,... Read More

Buying A Diamond For Your Special Person?

The first thing you want to consider when buying a... Read More

How Compatible Are You and Your Partner?

What are the things you argue about? Where are the... Read More

Soulmates, Are They Pre-ordained?

One day a telegram arrived at a man's door. When... Read More

How to Increase Romance with Humor

Ask any single adult what qualities he or she wants... Read More

Is Your Soulmate an Idiot?

Lately, I think people are investing too much energy in... Read More

The Breakdown of Relationships and Why They Fail

All females need sexual tension from a prospective or existing... Read More

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

People who experience bad health often have major league forgiveness... Read More

Pen Pal Romance

We have all heard the wonderfully romantic stories of pen... Read More

Getting More From Dating, Romantic Relationships, and Marriage

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a... Read More

Romancing The Senses

Romance can be experienced in numerous ways, but it is... Read More

How to Handle Problem People: Life Lessons from a Balky Bovine

Do you have people in your life that p? (make... Read More