Relationship Advice: Safety, Intimacy, and Fun

When people come in for marriage counseling, they bring their own expectations. Some people expect the therapist to say one spouse is wrong and the other right. Others expect to talk only about the problems in the marriage. Many come not knowing if they want to stay together or if they want to divorce. They do know they don't want the marriage to continue as it has been.

Playing off of that last expectation, one of the questions I usually ask is, ``If you could design your relationship any way you wanted it, what would it be like?''

Some common themes usually emerge. People often want a sense of connection, feelings of closeness and friendship and/or the passion they once felt for each other.

One of the most common themes I have noticed in recent years can be summed up by the words ``safety, intimacy and fun.'' Each of these ingredients brings a special and important quality to marriage. Let's take a closer look.

Safety

Even though this is a given, it's important to emphasize that safety from any kind of abuse is necessary for a marriage to thrive. If there is any kind of abuse, get help immediately.

Having said that, there are a few other key factors that promote the sense of safety:

Freedom to express emotions. Being able to talk about how you feel without being told you are wrong for feeling that way is crucial in creating an atmosphere of safety.

Hearing about the other person's emotions without interpreting them as a statement of your worth. Many couples get stuck on this one. Sometimes feelings just are; they are not necessarily a comment on the other person.

A growing sense of trust. Sometimes in marriage, trust can be damaged. It's important to make sure that trust is increasing rather than diminishing.

Intimacy

When we talk about intimacy, we often think of sex. While sex is an important (and fun) part of intimacy in marriage, there are many other factors that create intimacy.

Have you ever considered that intimacy is a skill? But it's just not one that most of us are taught while growing up.

Here are a few of the key skills involved in intimacy:

Self-disclosure. This is the ability to talk about how you feel and to let someone into your emotional world. In a sense, this is honoring the other person by saying ``you are important enough for me to share with you my deepest thoughts and feelings.''

Vulnerability. Somehow we get the notion that we have to be tough and strong all the time. In a healthy relationship, there is a trading back and forth of strength and vulnerability. It's a sign of trust in a relationship.

Empathy. The ability to step into others' emotional worlds and ``see through their eyes and feel through their hearts.''

Fun

Many couples complain that they no longer have fun together. They feel like roommates at best and strangers at worst.

Part of the glue that holds marriages together is sharing fun times together. The memories of fun together can keep you going in the rough times as well.

Here are two suggestions for increasing fun in your marriage:

Think back to some of the most fun times you have had as a couple. Choose some of the things you did in the past. Now do them again. I know that sounds too simple, but it really can be.

Each partner should make a list of things he or she likes to do for fun. Exchange lists. Then each person gets to pick two things to do off of the other person's list. Plan on when to do them. Then do them.

More safety, intimacy and fun strengthens your marriage. You might want to try working on each of these over the next few months.

Enjoy the changes.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

Relationship Advice: 3 Kinds of Love

There are three kinds of love:love as a feeling, love... Read More

How a Written Agreement Can Enhance Your Relationship

Marital contracts have an honorable history going back thousands of... Read More

The 7 Stages of a Romantic Relationship

There are seven stages in a romantic relationship: avoidance, meeting,... Read More

Communicate What You Feel: How to be Understood By Those You Love

Good communication is of fundamental importance in intimate relationships. The... Read More

Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1

IntroductionMany gay men in both short and long-term relationships report... Read More

Is Your Mate Cheating?

You've been together several months, but something doesn't feel quite... Read More

Walls Of Communication!

Matters of the heart are a true mystery to all... Read More

Did He Think of Me?

As a betrayed partner this was one of the first... Read More

Buying Underwear For The Woman In Your Life - The Golden Rules

There are two golden rules for choosing underwear for the... Read More

27 Characteristics of Loving Men

Every woman dreams of meeting that special man that knows... Read More

Set Your Relationship Up for Success

A quarter of thirtysomething couples are unhappy in their relationships,... Read More

Q & A: Reuniting With a Lost Love

>1. Who are the prime candidates to rekindle a romance?The... Read More

7 Steps To Creating A Healthy Relationship

Everything in life, in order to be a success, requires... Read More

Understanding Your Teen Relationship

Teen relationships are touchy things. Girls are often ready for... Read More

Rescue and Rebuild Your Relationship: 7 Tips to Make it Work

Create Time To Share And Time On Your Own.Establish time... Read More

Adultery as Sexual Addiction: Should You Stay Married?

I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break... Read More

Won Ton or Kreplach? How We Raise Children in Our Chinese-Jewish Family

I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all,... Read More

Players: How to Deal with Them

Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More

The Unfairly Judged Professor

An All Too Familiar TaleShe takes her teaching responsibilities seriously;... Read More

Power Struggle!

The greatest asset we have in human existence is our... Read More

Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?

How far can you afford to bend your values to... Read More

Do You Love Reading The Daily Horoscopes Part II

How many time have you felt an instant attraction to... Read More

How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 3

Liar, Liar! Pants On Fire!Today, you'll learn about 2 yellow-flag... Read More

American Women Really Don?t Like You

Any man who has dated Asian ladies who live in... Read More

Your Next Argument: 10 Thngs to Consider Before You Get There

1. It's addictive. Fighting, and the anger that comes with... Read More

How a Three Letter Word Kills Good Relationships

"You know, I really do love fish!" My friend... Read More

Ladies, Is Your Valentine The Cheating Kind?

According to statistics, 50% to 70% of men cheat on... Read More

Second Fiddle

I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More

Say, Whats On Your Mind, Partner?

Stan is an incurable romantic. Ever since he started courting... Read More

Your Next Relationship - Heaven or Hell?

We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More

It?s a Gut Feeling ? Finding love

Most single guys are settled in their life. Their mornings,... Read More

Save Your Relationships (5 Easy Steps To A Winning Relationship)

We all enter relationships hoping they will make us happy.... Read More

My Concept

From my own personal experiences with relationships I believe in... Read More