Before writing this article, I stopped and thought hard. By writing this, would I be putting potentially harmful information in the hands of abusive men? Would I be putting more women at risk? The answer kept coming back 'no' ? although the question did bring to mind another characteristic of abused women that I'll come back to.
The thing is, although abused women aren't usually aware of what's special about them, abusive men are. In fact,it would be hard to teach an abusive man anything he doesn't already know about choosing a victim.
Abusive men often come across, initially, as the unusually sensitive ones. This they undoubtedly are - to their own real and perceived hurts; and also to their partner's vulnerability.
Whether you choose to explain it as a sixth sense, a powerful conditioned response, or something akin to pheromones, doesn't really matter. Abusive men are exquisitely attuned to pick out vulnerable, susceptible women, however these women may present themselves.
It's unlikely these men could put the process into words. But they evaluate the responses of their prey very carefully. Whatever appears to be happening at the verbal level, at a deep level they are watching for the woman's readiness to abdicate her own personal power.
The particular type of woman they're looking for is characterised by a fundamental defencelessness. She may not present that way. On the surface she may be attractive, competent, able to take care of herself. At bottom, to a predatory man, she's a soft touch.
So what are the characteristics that set an abused woman apart?
· She's a naive romantic. She believes that love, her love will conquer all. It takes her the longest time to learn that love doesn't excuse her partner from being accountable for his actions.
· She doesn't know when to give up and walk away.
· She is a natural at guilt, apologies and shouldering the blame for whatever goes wrong.
· She takes responsibility for anything and everything. Hence my concern that writing an article aimed at revealing the specific characteristics of abused women might benefit predatory men.
· She doesn't believe that she is good enough. Her low self-worth, progressively lowered in an abusive relationship, means that however imperfect her man is, she still feels inferior to him. She sees him as compensating for her own inadequacies.
· Her 'no' lacks authority. In other words, she is easily bullied and put upon. She may sound strong-minded, but her wants, needs and reasons never carry the same weight for her as those of her partner.
· She has little or no idea of boundaries. She has little instinct for self-protection or self-preservation. Her best 'strategy' is often to hope that others will do right by her. (This strategy causes frequent, painful disappointment.)
· She believes in gender stereotypes. Men are the strong, powerful ones. Women can't manage on their own. Women need a man to complete them and to manage the challenging areas of life.
· She's really into rescue. A generous soul, she may well yearn for a rescuer, but she can't resist running to the rescue of anyone in distress. (This is often part of what attracts her to an abusive partner.) She's slow to learn that the people she rescues are more likely to turn aggressive than to show gratitude and loyalty in the long term.
· She believes that she is entitled to far less from life than other people. Other people have rights, she only has wishes that she believes are probably unreasonable.
· She's a generous, long-suffering person.
Does she sound familiar? It wouldn't be surprising. Abused women make up a significant proportion of any community. And it tends to be their gentler, more feminine qualities that put them at risk. By acquiring self-awareness and learning to ring-fence their frailties with strong boundaries, they can safeguard their specialness. At the same time they can protect themselves from further abuse.
Annie Kaszina
Joyful Coaching
An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in teaching women boundaries and helping them heal relationship pain, so they can reach their full emotional and personal stature. Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com Websites: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com, http://www.anniekaszina.com To order Annie's eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be', or subscribe to Annie's free, twice monthly ezine, go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com
Last week I had the easiest pick up and seduction... Read More
This quiz is based on key areas of communication and... Read More
I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More
Just a note to ask if there are other married... Read More
But the cold truth is that most people have never... Read More
Looks like everyone wants to sue someone right? Well, I... Read More
Just about every night at our house, we read a... Read More
Caution is a word with a fine old-fashioned ring. The... Read More
Most people do not understand the nature of cheating within... Read More
One of the most underrated concepts that most people overlook... Read More
Men wanted desperately, it's official. The increasing surplus of high... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28,... Read More
Hope you all are doing well and enjoying great health.... Read More
Parents and loved ones always seem to put a damper... Read More
"I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of... Read More
Over the past few months, things in my life have... Read More
Striking a perfect balance between work and home today can... Read More
I often awake to find Beverly, my older wife, wrapped... Read More
IntroductionDo you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep... Read More
Couples in love may often find themselves having to live... Read More
Flowers are great gifts for practically any occasion, but there... Read More
Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past ten years.... Read More
Spring is in the air. It is a time of... Read More
What do you do when a long term relationship goes... Read More
Questions and AnswersHow can I learn how to be true... Read More
Have you been plagued by the nagging feeling that your... Read More
What is Chemical Romance? It's a scientific approach to seduction... Read More
Before the advent of the internet, long-distance relationships were rare.... Read More
In the Asian online dating world it is not uncommon... Read More
How much energy do you spend trying to get what... Read More
Do you have people in your life that p? (make... Read More
Relationship Mistake No. 1 - Partner BashingBashing the one you... Read More
"Kiss: a secret told to the mouth instead of to... Read More
Ashleigh Brillant once said""Coping with difficult people is always a... Read More
This quiz is based on key areas of communication and... Read More
What do you do when a long term relationship goes... Read More
If you are going through the emotional rollercoaster of a... Read More
How often have you had the experience of connecting with... Read More
If your Knight in shining armor still hasn't come galloping,... Read More
Honestly, I do not know anyone who is romantic nowadays... Read More
Have you ever been at a loss to think of... Read More
In order to improve relationships, many people have increasingly turned... Read More
You are hurt, you are angry, you are simply devastated.Things... Read More
The article What Turns Them On explained about how men... Read More
As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More
Are you looking for the Ideal Man? While my book... Read More
"Dear Happy Guy,"I just don't understand men. Last night I... Read More
Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take... Read More
CHESS-MATEIf you're one of those guys telling to yourself that... Read More
The Law of ContentYou can get into trouble in a... Read More
Most people do not understand the nature of cheating within... Read More
Just think of being in front of a warm cracking... Read More
You are in love and it feels wonderful. This love... Read More
If you're asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you... Read More
Chas and Dave wrote a song about it and how... Read More
What is supposed to be the most romantic day of... Read More
I have written this article by request but want to... Read More
Have you ever wondered why we flirt? I mean, we've... Read More
I say "Loneliness. Isolation. Invisibility."You ask "Eleanor Rigby?" I say... Read More
How do you show someone you love them? Do you... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 5,... Read More
One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More
When we first meet someone, regardless of the way or... Read More
The word infidelity brings with it fear to every woman... Read More
Did you know that it is not necessarily your looks... Read More
In many instances, we all are "gun shy" after a... Read More
Relationship |