We all enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. Each person has a shopping list of hopes and expectations, secret demands he/she makes on their partners. When those hopes are fulfilled, they consider that they've won ? the relationship is successful. However, this approach to relationships usually brings disappointment in the long run. Not only do our hopes, needs and expectations change, but constantly making demands upon our partner can only lead to relationship burnout. A truly winning relationship is built upon a different basis.
The Basis of Winning Relationships
When we think that our happiness is dependent upon what we are receiving, we are bound to be let down. When we know that happiness always grows from what we are giving, we are on the right track. Happiness that depends upon having our needs met, is fleeting. It comes and goes. It has to. When things go well, we are happy. When we get what we want, when the sun is shining, when our boyfriend finally pops the question, these are moments of happiness. The only thing wrong with this kind of happiness is that it revolves around us and our needs.
We become addicted to feeling good or having our needs met. We become addicted to people and circumstances that bring this about. Not only does this addiction become a problem, but as what makes us happy keeps changing, we stay on a merry go round.
Winning relationships are based upon joy. When things are difficult, or our hopes are not fulfilled, it is still possible to feel joyful. Joy, is not a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances. Joy arises from within. It is an attitude of mind that can be developed, a positive choice we make about ourselves and the world we live in.
In a sense joy is a practice. It is an orientation towards life and towards the people in our relationships. Joy is built upon actions. There are steps we can take which allow joy to be present each day. These steps are the foundations of a winning relationship. No matter what happens, when you live in this manner, you feel good about yourself and your partner.
l) Give Up Blaming The Other Person.
It is very easy to find many things wrong with the person you are in a relationship with. When we are upset, we attribute it to something they've said or done. This puts our well being in another's hands. It is one of the most significant ways we destroy our peace of mind. It is also one of the most significant ways we undermine the other person.
. Each person has the right to be who they are at this moment. Realize that no one made you their judge and jury Also realize that if you are upset or unhappy at their behavior, that is your response, it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with them. By blaming another for your unhappiness, you are disempowering yourself.
Give it up. Just observe their behavior. Get to know them. Say to yourself, they have a right to be who they are, and I have a right also. In fact, it is your own expectations which are upsetting you. When you do not put your expectations on the other, but are willing to get to know who they are, blame dissolves easily.
2) Learn The Art Of True Giving
There is a huge difference between really giving to another, and giving so you can get something back in return. When we give in order to get something back, (and secretly demand it), this is nothing more than manipulation, and quickly kills our joy.
A winning relationship is based upon true giving. This means giving with no strings attached. Giving something to the person that they need or would like, (not something that pleases you). Some fear to give, feeling that they will be drained. The opposite is true. The more we give, the more we have.
There are many things that can be given - many people need time, attention, acknowledgment, the chance to be right about something. Make a list of all the things you can give another.
Practice giving freely. Do it in little steps at first. The more you do it, the more your joy will grow.
3) Learn How To Really Listen
There is no better way of building a wining relationship than by learning to really listen to your partner. Real listening means stopping the little voice inside that always comments, criticizes or is thinking about what it is going to say next. When you really listen to and hear another, you are giving them an enormous gift. When a person is really listened to and understood, they feel loved.
When you develop this ability, you will be amazed at how the people around you will start opening up, and you'll also be amazed at how joyful your own life will become.
4)Stop Wanting To Change The Other Person
One of the biggest thieves of our joy is our constant desire to fix or change the other person. One person feels they cannot love the other unless that person changes. The other feels hurt, inadequate and as though something is wrong with them. Everybody becomes hurt and frustrated. So often we hear the phrase, if you loved me enough you would change for me.
But winning relationships is built upon our ability to love the person as they are, (including the parts of them that may not please you). A person has not been put on earth to make you happy. They have been put here to grow, develop and discover who they are.
The odd thing about change is that the more we let go of wanting to change the other, the sooner they are able to change because they don't have to stay as they are as a matter of pride.
5)Develop Patience
Patience is an old fashioned word in today's worlds of instant technology. However, the more patient you are with yourselves and others, the less you will feel frustration and the more easily you will develop joy. When you learn to be fully in the moment, and to allow each relationship to grow and develop in its own rhythm, this is a sure fire way to allow both of you to win.
It's necessary to realize that right at this moment, we are lovable and acceptable, just as we are. The more love and acceptance we can offer, the more everyone experiences joy and the easier it is for us to build our relationships upon a foundation that cannot falter.
Cc/author/2005
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna's new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com
Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops on all aspects of relationships and fulfilling your potential. She is the author of many books, including Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam) and many others. You can contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy.... Read More
A quarter of thirtysomething couples are unhappy in their relationships,... Read More
True Love! We all dream of being in love with... Read More
It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant... Read More
"Hesh, where is your business plan?" It was a question... Read More
Conflict in a relationship is both normal and painful. In... Read More
Spring is in the air. It is a time of... Read More
Relationship Mistake No. 1 - Partner BashingBashing the one you... Read More
As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More
Most women say they want a strong religious man who... Read More
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse... Read More
Q. Does a friendship quiz really work?A. That depends upon... Read More
Even preteens have relationships that are important to them. In... Read More
For Better or WorseI was in the middle of a... Read More
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,... Read More
Question: What % of your bad moods at work are... Read More
We hear about it all the time - in magazines,... Read More
It's strange how often abused women tell you how loving... Read More
O.k., you're standing there all alone at a party and... Read More
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More
Francine Bonnecelli* swore off relationships the day her husband of... Read More
A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners... Read More
Here are some very simple rituals, some old, and some... Read More
As a betrayed partner this was one of the first... Read More
Do you want to put to rest the people and... Read More
"The truth that makes men free is for the most... Read More
One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More
Trust is something that is important to every single relationship... Read More
It is a commonly held belief, mainly amongst men, that... Read More
Have you been plagued by the nagging feeling that your... Read More
In relationship we all make mistakes and sometimes we are... Read More
As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part... Read More
When you read it like that, out of context, you'd... Read More
Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More
There's something about America, our history, our values or maybe... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 26,... Read More
I have written this article by request but want to... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28,... Read More
We live in the world of the relative. What and... Read More
There are some men who will never understand the importance... Read More
Some time ago you both made a promise. A promise... Read More
Q: I can't believe I'm asking this question, because I... Read More
Are you starting to feel that your man has changed... Read More
Stuck on a guy who cheats on you? Lies? Claims... Read More
Every so often, I will hear a relationship speaker claim... Read More
It's very easy to look, from the outside, at another... Read More
There are seven stages in a romantic relationship: avoidance, meeting,... Read More
One of the keys to obtaining a better life or... Read More
We can fall into the habit of complaining about our... Read More
Have you noticed that there's an ebb and flow to... Read More
Here are some very simple rituals, some old, and some... Read More
About a year ago, I was talking to a friend... Read More
If you have the uneasy feeling that your husband is... Read More
This is one of the most difficult parts of a... Read More
"If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do... Read More
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve... Read More
That lover's holiday we know as Valentine's Day is coming... Read More
Harville Hendrix, in his book ``Getting the Love You Want''... Read More
In my e-book, How to Build Relationships That Stick, I... Read More
Discovering an affair in your relationship is indispensable, but that's... Read More
Parents and loved ones always seem to put a damper... Read More
Why is it that depending on others to fulfill our... Read More
It is surprising how many writers, psychologists, or scientists have... Read More
Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When... Read More
"I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of... Read More
If the start of the school year makes you a... Read More
Relationship |