Why Do Men Cheat?

In my relationship work, this question is probably the one I hear most often. It is not an easy question to answer. The usual glib answer; "because they can", is really not good enough. People, particularly women, want to know the reason why men cheat, or more particularly, why their man cheated.

Different women have a different view as to what constitutes 'cheating'. For some women, for the man simply to look at another woman may be regarded as cheating, for other women it is being intimate with another person that constitutes 'cheating, and there are some women who appear able to accept flirting and even intimacy with another person but it is an emotional involvement that constitutes 'cheating'.

So let us try first to establish what is 'cheating' and what might be considered 'normal' behaviour in a man. First of all, there needs to be some degree of commitment and exclusivity between the two partners, furthermore, this commitment needs to be understood and agreed by both people. Without this there can be little question of 'cheating' on behalf of either party.

Obviously, marriage, engagement, living together would constitute a degree of commitment. Regularly dating for a period, may also be seen as constituting a commitment. It is here that the confusion starts to arise for a man may not feel he is committed to another person until he has said so to her, for the woman the simple fact that he dates her regularly may be seen as a sign of commitment.

It is where there is a disagreement as to the level of commitment involved, that most problems occur. The man may feel he is free to see another person without it being considered 'cheating' but the woman (his first partner) would be more likely to consider it cheating.

Also, there is a degree to which a man separates the physical act of lovemaking from the emotional attachment to another person. A man is able to perform the physical act without becoming emotionally attached to the woman. A man may often cite that a fling or an affair was 'purely physical' and that it does not mean that he is not now physically and emotionally attracted to his first partner. For a man, this is often true and is not simply an excuse. However, the woman is likely to view the situation differently.

Very often, a woman who suspects her man of cheating wants some evidence or proof of it. This is often to satisfy and corroborate her belief. However, the woman often has not thought through what she would do if the evidence became proof of her man's infidelity.

For the woman, proof of her man's cheating brings emotional hurt and anger. It will often also bring about feelings of distress, loss of self esteem and a feeling that she was to blame. This creates a dilemma for the woman; should she try to repair the relationship out of belief that somehow she has been to blame for his infidelity or should she end the relationship acting out of anger or emotional distress?

The emotional consequences of a man's cheating are not usually apparent to the man, certainly not prior to his act of cheating. It is only afterwards that a man may have some feelings of guilt. However, if he is not found out, then these may subside and the man comes to believe that he can get away with the cheating. Even so, if he tries to continue and to get away with his cheating, he still knows that at some point he is likely to be found out. At this point, it can become a contest, how far can he go without being found out?

To some men, having many partners is seen as a symbol of their status. Even when in a committed relationship, they may think they have a need to boost their status, esteem or ego by cheating. The loss of love, affection and support as a result of a simple thrill, does not occur to them until too late.

In their hearts and minds, men know that cheating is wrong, yet often their egos, their physical needs and, quite simply, the temptations overrule their hearts and minds.

So has this article answered the thorny question of why men cheat? Probably not. This is a complex issue and the causes or reasons will vary from instance to instance. No one can tell you unequivocally why your man may have cheated, not even your man himself.

In such circumstances what you, the two of you, have to decide is whether you want to repair the relationship or end it.

Douglas Woods is a qualified life coach, teacher and counsellor. You can read more about his work at http://www.dougwoods.com. He is also a contributor to Singlescene.net a website for single people.

In The News:


pen paper and inkwell


cat break through


Lab Created Diamonds Are Now Exceedingly Good

When we think of precious gems, we usually spare little... Read More

The Five Minute Relationship Miracle

"They may forget what you said, but they will never... Read More

Ridding Yourself Of Being A Manipulator To Better Your Relationships

One of the oldest character flaws in humans is their... Read More

Great Relationships: What to Do When You Have Drifted Apart

Picture, if you will, the following scene:A man and woman,... Read More

Passion or Purpose?

I hate moderation. I hate doing things moderately. I hate... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

Clues to Help You Bust the Undercover Married Man, Before You Fall in Love

If your Knight in shining armor still hasn't come galloping,... Read More

Dont Be A Doormat in Your Relationship

There comes a point in every relationship when the person... Read More

Why Do Men Cheat?

In my relationship work, this question is probably the one... Read More

Can You Become A Better Friend After Taking A Friendship Quiz?

Q. Does a friendship quiz really work?A. That depends upon... Read More

Attraction vs. Love

When we first meet someone, regardless of the way or... Read More

Ten Tips to Play Together, and Stay Together: Lessons from the Teepee Turn-around

There is an old expression, which may sound trite, but... Read More

What Is A Boundary In A Relationship?

You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary,... Read More

When Are You Ready to Move onto a New Relationship?

Breakups can be painful and difficult on so many difficult... Read More

Relationship Advice: 2 Beliefs for a Successful Relationship

Mark Twain once saidGod's great cosmic joke on the human... Read More

Hey There, Whats Your Money Personality?

Guys who come up to women in bars and ask:... Read More

Romantic Relationships: An Internal Process

If you grew up in the 80s like I did,... Read More

Why Didnt He Call?

Dear Lucia,I know I made a stupid mistake but what... Read More

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes--Celebrity Romance

Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a hard... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: How to Balance Your Hear at Work with Your Heart at Home

Remember the Tom Cruise movie "Jerry Maguire?"From my seat in... Read More

Commonsense Approach to Domestic Violence

Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past ten years.... Read More

Reaching the Ultimate Level in Human Relationships

I want to tell you a little story. Not about... Read More

Eight Ways to be a Better Friend

Being a good friend is a skill we can learn... Read More

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!When Lena, 52, began dating, her son,... Read More

Shattered Visions

Sometimes it takes a girlfriend in order to have a... Read More

Why Its Important to Stay in Contact with Your Friends when Youre in a Relationship

So often when we begin to enter into a new... Read More

How to Improve Relationships with Feng Shui Remedies

In order to improve relationships, many people have increasingly turned... Read More

The Evolution of Love

Songs have been saying it for generations together. Ask anyone... Read More

The Flames of Love

Suppose you have everything; a good job, good health, good... Read More

Being A Friend Through A Divorce

We used to joke amongst the couples we are close... Read More

Conflicts Dont Have to Mean a Fight to the Death

Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.The secret... Read More

The Simple Facts About Falling In Love

We are meant to live a life of love. However,... Read More

Making Passion More Passionate

Somewhere between the first kiss and growing old together, many... Read More