Picture, if you will, the following scene:
A man and woman, somewhere in the great expanse of middle age, walk into a sandwich shop and sit down. They don't speak to each other. They do speak to the waiter when he comes to take their order. And this is the last time they speak, to each other or anyone else, the entire hour they are there. They each have a book, and they proceed to get lost in reading and eating.
Now maybe they had just heard some bad news, or were the parents of 12 kids, hired a sitter and needed some peace and quiet. Maybe. But the feeling you get is that they really have nothing to say to each other. They just look bored.
It's a sad scene.
How does something like this happen? You know there must have been a time when there were not enough words for all they wanted to say to each other.
I bet there was a time when they could talk all night.
How does a couple get from those early days of falling in love to falling into the rut of boredom?
I have found that people slowly drift out of love. If it happened all at once, they would be able to react and change. Because it happens slowly, over time, the process just sneaks up on couples.
It's like the story of the frog in hot water: If you put a frog into a pan of boiling water, he'll do his very best to hop right out. But if you put a frog in a pan of water at room temperature and slowly increase the temperature to a boil, he'll stay put until it's too late.
According to Florida State University psychology professor Dan Boroto, ``The process of falling out of love is the direct result of undisclosed communication.''
What that means is that couples no longer talk about feelings, hopes and dreams.
The things left unsaid can vary from not really liking carrots, even though your spouse thinks it's your favorite food, to not talking about how lonely you are.
If you recognize your relationship here, it doesn't mean that it's necessarily over.
Here are things you can do to begin to restore communication:
Talk. I know that sounds too simple, and I guess I could make it harder, but that really is where it begins.
Take a risk and begin to talk about issues that may have been difficult in the past.
Recall the times you were able to talk with each other and simply repeat what you did then.
Ask questions. Become curious about your partner's world.
Begin with, ``Can we talk about ...?''
Schedule times to be together and talk. Many couples I know who do this say it gives them something to look forward to when life gets stressful.
If you find you can't break the logjam yourself, it might be time to sit down with a counselor or attend a seminar to give you a jump start.
While couples seem to drift apart without knowing it, to grow back together again takes conscious attention and intention. Take some time in the next week to re-establish communication in your relationship.
It might make all the difference in the world.
For more tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
"The only difference between a rut and a grave are... Read More
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More
Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a... Read More
I want to share with you information that the Russian... Read More
This is a common concern in our society for single... Read More
How To "Slay The Dragon" In Your Life In Five... Read More
What do you do when a long term relationship goes... Read More
The notion that there can be a technology of relationships... Read More
What are the things you argue about? Where are the... Read More
In the 17th century, divination devices called The Tablets of... Read More
One thing that women in abusive relationships and their family... Read More
Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say... Read More
One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More
Recent events in my life have taught me that the... Read More
Original it ain't, but it still merits repetition: "Denial is... Read More
Guys, I know the struggle, you want to give her... Read More
Abusive relationships are so painful that I often wonder why... Read More
Well, here I am very much in love and starting... Read More
Being a good friend is a skill we can learn... Read More
There are some men who will never understand the importance... Read More
Somewhere between the first kiss and growing old together, many... Read More
Gag gifts can be very funny. They can also cause... Read More
AS I STARED at the sunset, I marveled at its... Read More
In every relationship there will be occasional misunderstandings and hurt... Read More
In my relationship work, this question is probably the one... Read More
Are single black women too independent? Too sure of themselves,... Read More
CHESS-MATEIf you're one of those guys telling to yourself that... Read More
We have all heard the wonderfully romantic stories of pen... Read More
Are You A 'Hopium Addict?'If the question alone was enough... Read More
1. The Perfect Phase is the first three months. If... Read More
While doing my search for this idea, I came across... Read More
"My feelings have changed," my boyfriend of five years told... Read More
I'm always dumbfounded when someone walks up to me and... Read More
Stuck on a guy who cheats on you? Lies? Claims... Read More
There are seven stages in a romantic relationship: avoidance, meeting,... Read More
Original it ain't, but it still merits repetition: "Denial is... Read More
The swinging lifestyle does not discriminate against race, body type,... Read More
Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives... Read More
Ahh, friends. The people we pick up along the proverbial... Read More
We've all done it at one time or another, or... Read More
Are you getting the love you deserve? Are you being... Read More
IntroductionDo you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 14,... Read More
There is a cool little game for spicing up your... Read More
If the start of the school year makes you a... Read More
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse... Read More
Dear Candace,My girlfriend and I recently split up. I called... Read More
Society's current conception of the term "soul mate" is completely... Read More
"You can't hold on to a dime. Do you own... Read More
Are You A 'Hopium Addict?'If the question alone was enough... Read More
I'm experiencing some challenges in my relationship with Candice Bergen.I... Read More
For many of us, love has become a distant ideal.... Read More
I had the priviledge to try out a BMW M5... Read More
You are hurt, you are angry, you are simply devastated.Things... Read More
Setting up personal boundaries is important in all types of... Read More
When starting a new relationship, we usually adopt a subconscious... Read More
Extreme Breakup Recovery Maximum Healing ? Minimum TimeIf you are... Read More
Did you know that it is not necessarily your looks... Read More
Stan is an incurable romantic. Ever since he started courting... Read More
Relationships are really what makes the world go 'round, aren't... Read More
Couples in love may often find themselves having to live... Read More
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More
It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent... Read More
Many of us stumble into marriage and then continue to... Read More
Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a... Read More
Being in love does not mean that you should turn... Read More
Relationship |