"If he comes we welcome,
If he goes we do not pursue"
Zen saying
We all want love. We are all searching for some lasting relationship. Yet it always seems as if relationships are difficult, difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. Though many do all they can, problems, complications and disappointment arise.
But from the Zen point of view, struggling to find and keep love is the opposite of what is needed. First we must learn 'do nothing'. We must learn how to let go of control.
Rena started Zen practice after losing two important relationships. Devastated, she was convinced she could never hold onto love.
She told the Zen Master, "I can't bear losing even one more person."
"You will lose many," the Zen Master said.
Rena gasped.
"Inevitable."
"What can I do about it?" Rena shot back.
"Do nothing,: the Zen Master said.
This 'do nothing' is active and vital, the very opposite of passivity. In order to understand this, we must take a step back.
We are born wanting to control our world and the people in it. We scream to get food from mother, smile to receive the attention we crave and, when our needs aren't met kick up a great fuss. As infants we feel that others are here simply to care for us and keep us content. This kind of attitude can be very hard to outgrow. In fact, it can be said that 99% of our precious life energy goes into controlling others so that our desires can be fulfilled.
What we call love in relationships is often no more than having someone who makes us feel good.
The Zen way is the opposite. We do not try to use others, control events, or demand that life fulfill our dreams. Instead, we grow aware of and accepting of all that is given, and learn to take care of the world we live in. As we do this, an odd thing happens, we become more and more fulfilled. As we grow in compassion and simplicity, all we truly need then comes naturally.
Doing Nothing
The only real miracle is to stand still. -Henry Miller
Unfortunately, the idea of 'doing nothing' has been greatly misunderstood. It does not mean be passive. Just the opposite. Do nothing is the most challenging, demanding, revolutionary instruction that can be given. It means, when faced with life's challenges - let go of control.
In order to learn how to do this in Zen meditation we are given this instruction - "Don't Move." Usually we move (and react) all the time. When something bothers us, we shift, change our position, do anything we can to fix it. Although our behavior alters the condition for a little while, it usually comes back again, sometimes more intensely, sometimes in another form. Likewise, no matter what action we take in relationships, often there is nothing that will cause the trouble to go away.
As we surrender control over the condition, we allow things to be as they are. We allow the entire world to play itself out in front of our eyes. This profound action implies an immense respect for the intrinsic nature of people and events, for a larger design in the universe, which brings our good to us, and removes that which no longer belongs.
How often we try to grasp and hold onto that which is no longer suitable, or to desperately maneuver to obtain that which may be entirely wrong. When we do not control, but rather appreciate what is happening, (or who is coming our way) we are yielding to a higher wisdom, permitting life to take its own course.
True Action
When we're in a difficult situation, most of our actions create more upset and complications. These are not truly actions, but reactions. True action is something different. It is clear, spontaneous, purposeful, direct.
In order to arrive at true action we must, first, do nothing. This means we must stop doing what we used to do, cease our knee jerk reactions, stop living like Sisyphus, rolling the same rock up the same mountain. We must be able to bear the temporary discomfort of stopping our usual ways.
As we do this, many upsets dissolve naturally. We do not fan the flames. We do not turn a summer rain into a violent thunderstorm, which can tear an entire relationship apart.
When you are faced with a difficult knot in a relationship, or when you are trying to find someone new to love - don't squirm and wrestle, don't enter into a struggle. "Do nothing" give up control. Stay centered and immovable in the middle of the storm and see what the life is truly bringing to you. Keep clear and compassionate. Let the situation unfold as it will. Don't get picked up and whirled around like a leaf in the wind.
Relax Your Grip
Zen teaches us how to relax our grip. As this happens we begin to see each person as they truly are, not as we wish or demand. We also realize that it is not an act of love, to try to change and control another. It is an act of love to discover and appreciate who they truly are.
When we let each moment, each person be exactly as they are this is the great work of doing nothing. It is the work of non-interference with the primal wisdom of the universe, which runs through all things and beings, including ourselves.
When we step back and allow this harmony to take over, our entire lives are healed and enhanced. That which is right for us comes naturally, and difficult situations find their own healing as well. When we honor and uphold life as it is given, then inevitably, life honors and upholds us.
Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist,workshop leader and author is a long term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life. This article is based upon her most recent book, Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life) http://www.livingbyzen.com. Take a minute to go to the site to find out more about the book. Dr. Shoshanna, the relationship expert on i.village is also the author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other books. She can be reached at topspeaker@yahoo.com Her personal website is http://www.brendashoshanna.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|


Couples that are together for a while sometimes suffer from... Read More
WhenWe all need to consider our ways. So many times... Read More
Stan is an incurable romantic. Ever since he started courting... Read More
Star Women are visionary leaders, and focused on the future.... Read More
It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant... Read More
Have you ever wondered why you feel an instant attraction... Read More
Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More
Everything was great.We had been dating for 6 months. We... Read More
When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many... Read More
When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make... Read More
Many of us have heard about the power of positive... Read More
Without wasting much time, here are some of the personality... Read More
Groucho Marx was, I believe, a comic genius; a linguistic... Read More
Your dream is so beautiful and it is never to... Read More
Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone... Read More
My Dear Lover,Soon or later, you and your beloved will... Read More
Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every... Read More
It is no secret that African culture is known for... Read More
What do you do when a long term relationship goes... Read More
We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More
A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a... Read More
The word "deceive" is derived from Latin, de- away +... Read More
* Be in a good mood when writing a love... Read More
Think back to when you were a child. Pick a... Read More
"Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he... Read More
The question I am asked most often is: I think... Read More
Consider a person very important to you. He or she... Read More
You've been together several months, but something doesn't feel quite... Read More
For Better or WorseI was in the middle of a... Read More
Within the next two to three minutes, you will uncover... Read More
Open your mouth. What do I mean? Talk ? say... Read More
A man walking through the woods near a river hears... Read More
I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More


A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More
If you have looked high and low, left and right... Read More
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More
Why is it that depending on others to fulfill our... Read More
RELATIONAL SUCCESS...Loving in the good times -- and the not-so-good... Read More
To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More
About a year ago, I was talking to a friend... Read More
Question: What % of your bad moods at work are... Read More
All I wanted was to fall in love and live... Read More
The Relationship TriangleMost people get involved in a relationship for... Read More
Are you getting the love you deserve? Are you being... Read More
Life after retirement separation can be a very lonely one... Read More
Harville Hendrix, in his book ``Getting the Love You Want''... Read More
Guys, I know the struggle, you want to give her... Read More
There are approximately 2 million men in the prison system... Read More
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably... Read More
If you don't have the time, money or energy to... Read More
Do you ever disagree with your spouse? Or your boyfriend... Read More
What drives a woman to cheat may look a lot... Read More
There are several things you can do, especially when your... Read More
A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More
How often do you think about what you are going... Read More
With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%,... Read More
Mark Twain once said that he believed it was "God's... Read More
One of the keys to obtaining a better life or... Read More
In my e-book, How to Build Relationships That Stick, I... Read More
There is an old expression, which may sound trite, but... Read More
Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a... Read More
That lover's holiday we know as Valentine's Day is coming... Read More
"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous... Read More
The word "deceive" is derived from Latin, de- away +... Read More
The focus of this article is to explore what it... Read More
I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all,... Read More
Relationship |