A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment, forgiveness and repentance.
Let's take a closer look at each of these four elements.
Apology
I've come to dislike the words "I'm sorry" because they're so easily said that they've lost their meaning. The word "apologize" better captures the sense that you have done something wrong and are willing to make it right.
There's a scene from "Happy Days" that captures well the difference. Fonzie is getting on his cousin Spike about stealing from a store. After Spike says, "OK, so I made a mistake!" Fonzie answers, "No! Two plus two equals five is a mistake. What you did was wrong."
Acknowledge the damage done
My dictionary tells me that acknowledge means to "admit the fact or truth of." When you acknowledge the damage done by a wrong, you demonstrate an awareness of the consequences of your offense.
In our no-fault culture, the words "I know I hurt you" are rarely heard. I think one of the reasons they're rarely heard is that it can be humbling to own up to the damage done.
Examples:
"I realize that my coming home late makes you feel suspicious,"
or
"I get that it scares you when I yell."
Ask for forgiveness
Now here comes the really humbling part.
Asking for forgiveness is so much more powerful than just saying I'm sorry.
In relationships, asking someone to forgive you acknowledges that damage has been done to the relationship and that some healing needs to take place. It can also begin to bridge the gap between two people that the damage has caused.
Commit to not doing it again
A complete and genuine apology requires a commitment to not let it happen again. Saying I'm sorry is easy. What would you think if your best friend stood you up for lunch, was sorry and then did it again and then again? Would you believe your friend was genuinely sorry? Of course not. You might even consider finding new friends.
Committing to not repeating the behavior, or repentance, looks something like this:
"What I did is unacceptable to me and unacceptable to you, and I will do everything in my power to not let it happen again."
If you have ever been on the giving end of this kind of genuine apology, you know how humbling it can be. You also know what a relief it can be to get it off your chest.
If you have ever been on the receiving end of this kind of genuine apology, you know how a genuine apology can melt away hurt, anger and resentment and begin to reconnect you with the other person.
Jeff Herring is a Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Syndicated Relationship Columnist. Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for more relationship tips and tools, a free internet newsletter and free e-programs to enrich your relationship.
Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7,... Read More
Emotional infidelity can start with a simple hi or a... Read More
So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly... Read More
Ever since the women's movement began, women have empowered themselves... Read More
Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now.... Read More
To manifest love through creative visualization, you first need to... Read More
Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families says... Read More
She stares at me and then closes her eyes. A... Read More
When it comes to giving a romantic gift, it's not... Read More
I believe that we have all heard of the standard... Read More
Sometimes it takes a girlfriend in order to have a... Read More
Violence in the family often follows other forms of more... Read More
One day a telegram arrived at a man's door. When... Read More
You've been together several months, but something doesn't feel quite... Read More
There are few desires (if any) stronger than the deep... Read More
Okay, who are we kidding. Long-distance relationships are not supposed... Read More
Love is something we all need, and want. For love,... Read More
If you are looking for it, you can find relationship... Read More
The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free... Read More
Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More
Recent events in my life have taught me that the... Read More
When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many... Read More
Romance can be experienced in numerous ways, but it is... Read More
I asked Dave how he was doing since it was... Read More
Dr. Nancy Kalish, a psychology professor at California State University,... Read More
Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More
What does real love look like? The way we act... Read More
The swinging lifestyle does not discriminate against race, body type,... Read More
Relationship Tip 1I've been blessed with working with thousands of... Read More
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve... Read More
Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When... Read More
"My feelings have changed," my boyfriend of five years told... Read More
Love is exciting, and when a relationship is new, almost... Read More
Coping with a new culture has never been the easiest... Read More
Now you may ask why we would write an article... Read More
Questions and Answers from Divine Source Through Barbara Rose1. What... Read More
Flowers are great gifts for practically any occasion, but there... Read More
Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm... Read More
During my personal experiences with some of my relationships, I... Read More
Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More
According to new studies 5 out of 10 marriages will... Read More
Why is it that even though I am not positive... Read More
I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all,... Read More
True Love! We all dream of being in love with... Read More
Extreme Breakup Recovery Maximum Healing ? Minimum TimeIf you are... Read More
Out of the blue, slap bang in the middle of... Read More
Do you ever disagree with your spouse? Or your boyfriend... Read More
Now I really have seen everything.The other day, I saw... Read More
I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More
How often do we complain that our man isn't romantic... Read More
We don't like to say it and we don't always... Read More
"The truth that makes men free is for the most... Read More
Imagine this; you have the opportunity to go away for... Read More
"To love, honour and cherish", easy words to say during... Read More
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have loved each other... Read More
The next week was a whirl. The first quarter of... Read More
Most think that relationships exist to make them happy. When... Read More
All females need sexual tension from a prospective or existing... Read More
Q: My wife and I have a good marriage that... Read More
How much energy do you spend trying to get what... Read More
Liar, Liar! Pants On Fire!Today, you'll learn about 2 yellow-flag... Read More
The word infidelity brings with it fear to every woman... Read More
What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but... Read More
From my own personal experience of being involved in certain... Read More
I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often... Read More
When we first meet someone, regardless of the way or... Read More
Relationship |