Relationship Problems Have Warning Signs

Families are made up of individuals; men, women, and children. All members are interconnected. Imagine a family represented by a hanging mobile. Each member is a hanging object. When you tug on one object, it shakes the rest. The same is true in families. Each person's moods, attitudes and behaviours influences those around him or her.

Depressed, angry or emotionally injured individuals are not islands unto themselves. They impact on everyone around them. Typically, individuals are the way they are because of what is happening (or has happened) between them and other people. For example:

A woman is depressed because her husband is critical and doesn't show her love. A man is angry because his boss doesn't recognize his achievements. A child is rebellious because she feels her teacher is unfair.

Relationships are the most powerful influences on individuals. When this is not fully understood inappropriate solutions may be tried to solve relationship problems. Using the above examples, the depressed woman may take anti-depressant medication, the angry man might gamble and the rebellious girl could deliberately try to be different and unconventional. These attempted solutions don't get to the core of the problem and can even make the problem worse.

Relationships don't just break-down. They follow predictable stages. For example, there are four stages that contribute to the demise of a marital relationship. They occur in a sequence with the last stage indicating the final step before break-up. The four stages are:

1) Criticism. In this stage an individual is severely critical and judgmental of what his or her partner does. For example, a wife is constantly criticizing her husband for coming home late from work, or a husband is continually challenging his wife about how she spends money. Typically the criticisms span a broad range of topics and activities.

2) Contempt. In this stage both attack each other personally. Instead of bad behaviours as in the first stage, it has now regressed to flawed personalities. For example, "you are just a loser, your just like your father" or "you are a lunatic and you should find yourself a good psychiatrist."

3) Defensiveness. In this stage the person take no responsibility for their actions or their part in the problem. It is always 100% the other persons fault.

4) Withdrawal. This final stage is characterized by stonewalling. The individual remains silent or walks out of the room when the partner speaks. In this stage the husband or wife feels so hopeless that they have given up all efforts to resolve issues by talking and negotiating with their partner.

These stages represent chronic conditions that last over time, not momentary anger or frustration. As well, they are only predictive of divorce when the couple does not find a way out of their destructive behaviours. If the couple goes for counselling with a mental health professional trained specifically in marriage counselling they can begin to work on some of their unresolved issues and learn the skills necessary for a healthy and satisfying relationship. The sooner these problems are addresses the more easily they are resolved. For example, it is more difficult to make improvements when the relationship is in the "withdrawal" stage than the "criticism" stage.

These stages can also apply to the relationship between adults and children, at home or in school.

1) Criticism. Whatever is done is not good enough. For example, "why did you get a B and not an A" or "your room is always such a mess." As a result of this the child feels like a failure.

2) Contempt. The child's personality and self-worth is attacked. For example, "you are stupid" or "you are lazy." The child begins to feel worthless.

3) Defensiveness. The child defends him or herself by making up inaccurate and unrealistic excuses. When this happens it becomes very difficult to find a co-operative solution to the problem. The relationship is now adversarial.

4) Withdrawal. The child gives up and becomes depressed. He or she feels that whatever they try or do it will not help. Rebelliousness and "wild" behaviour may be tried since the child or adolescent feels he or she has nothing to loose.

Successful relationships, like most other important things in life, require effort. If a relationship is or has been in serious trouble we must try do everything we can to change it and fix it.

Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. Abe is also a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He concluded, after many years of clinical practice and research, that practical solutions requiring a focussed effort of no more than a few minutes a day for very specific personal and relationship problem were critically needed. Wisdom Scientific publishing house has been created to fill this need. For more information or a free e-bulletin, visit http://www.WisdomScientific.com

---

Five Telltale Signs That A Role Reversal Relationship Could Be Right For You

Powerful, accomplished women intimidate some men, but fascinate others. If... Read More

Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE

Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true... Read More

Are Single Black Women Too Independent?

Are single black women too independent? Too sure of themselves,... Read More

True Friendships - How to Get True Friends and Friendships

True Friendship - RecognitionHow can we find true friendships in... Read More

Jinxed Relationships -- Are Yours?

Do you consider yourself unlucky in love? Have your relationships... Read More

Reading Body Language in Depth

Body Language can tell you a lot about what is... Read More

What Makes The Ideal Man?

Are you looking for the Ideal Man? While my book... Read More

Yellow and Orange Flags in Relationships

It's been said that love is blind. It may also... Read More

Romance Matters

You are never too old and it is never too... Read More

The First Ninety Days

A friend of mine recently commented on the amazing number... Read More

Relationship Conflict: The 3 Cs of Resolving Conflict

"And they lived happily ever after.........."Yeah right.Perhaps I'm a little... Read More

Did Casanova Really Need the Oysters?

Scientists are rubbing their hands together with glee. A recent... Read More

Common Relationship Problems

The essential problem in any bad relationship is a breakdown... Read More

Importance Of Background In A Relationship

Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More

Dont Be A Doormat in Your Relationship

There comes a point in every relationship when the person... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: Dont Be a Darren Stevens

Q: I can't believe I'm asking this question, because I... Read More

How A Phony Persona Always Hurts You

'Be yourself', isn't that what you've always heard? It certainly... Read More

My Life

My sister is 45 and having an affair with an... Read More

The Grammar of Good Communication

No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor... Read More

When Your Relationships Turn Abusive - What You Can Do

Sometimes the people who are the closest to us, our... Read More

Its Your Fault I Had An Affair!

When you read it like that, out of context, you'd... Read More

Ending Relationships Gracefully

In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, "How... Read More

Great Relationships: How to Create a Nag-Free Zone

Q: My wife and I have a good marriage that... Read More

Soul Mates ? Finding True Love and Commitment

Finding your true Soul Mate is something that many people... Read More

The Informal Normal In a Black-Tie-Affair World

Have you noticed the trend?You ever notice how on programs... Read More

When Someone You Love is Moving

Your best friend moves a thousand miles, your aunt retires... Read More

How to Build Solid Relationships Using the Power of Words

We may not be aware of it; but the words... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed

To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More

Is The Internet A Miracle Cure For Loneliness?

A few years ago a surprising survey discovered that people... Read More

The Counsel of Caution

Caution is a word with a fine old-fashioned ring. The... Read More

Second Time Around the Block

Divorce happens. I'm not going to debate the causes or... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Prevent a Break Up

The question I am asked most often is: I think... Read More

Love and Life Lessons

Recent events in my life have taught me that the... Read More