Relationship Problems Have Warning Signs

Families are made up of individuals; men, women, and children. All members are interconnected. Imagine a family represented by a hanging mobile. Each member is a hanging object. When you tug on one object, it shakes the rest. The same is true in families. Each person's moods, attitudes and behaviours influences those around him or her.

Depressed, angry or emotionally injured individuals are not islands unto themselves. They impact on everyone around them. Typically, individuals are the way they are because of what is happening (or has happened) between them and other people. For example:

A woman is depressed because her husband is critical and doesn't show her love. A man is angry because his boss doesn't recognize his achievements. A child is rebellious because she feels her teacher is unfair.

Relationships are the most powerful influences on individuals. When this is not fully understood inappropriate solutions may be tried to solve relationship problems. Using the above examples, the depressed woman may take anti-depressant medication, the angry man might gamble and the rebellious girl could deliberately try to be different and unconventional. These attempted solutions don't get to the core of the problem and can even make the problem worse.

Relationships don't just break-down. They follow predictable stages. For example, there are four stages that contribute to the demise of a marital relationship. They occur in a sequence with the last stage indicating the final step before break-up. The four stages are:

1) Criticism. In this stage an individual is severely critical and judgmental of what his or her partner does. For example, a wife is constantly criticizing her husband for coming home late from work, or a husband is continually challenging his wife about how she spends money. Typically the criticisms span a broad range of topics and activities.

2) Contempt. In this stage both attack each other personally. Instead of bad behaviours as in the first stage, it has now regressed to flawed personalities. For example, "you are just a loser, your just like your father" or "you are a lunatic and you should find yourself a good psychiatrist."

3) Defensiveness. In this stage the person take no responsibility for their actions or their part in the problem. It is always 100% the other persons fault.

4) Withdrawal. This final stage is characterized by stonewalling. The individual remains silent or walks out of the room when the partner speaks. In this stage the husband or wife feels so hopeless that they have given up all efforts to resolve issues by talking and negotiating with their partner.

These stages represent chronic conditions that last over time, not momentary anger or frustration. As well, they are only predictive of divorce when the couple does not find a way out of their destructive behaviours. If the couple goes for counselling with a mental health professional trained specifically in marriage counselling they can begin to work on some of their unresolved issues and learn the skills necessary for a healthy and satisfying relationship. The sooner these problems are addresses the more easily they are resolved. For example, it is more difficult to make improvements when the relationship is in the "withdrawal" stage than the "criticism" stage.

These stages can also apply to the relationship between adults and children, at home or in school.

1) Criticism. Whatever is done is not good enough. For example, "why did you get a B and not an A" or "your room is always such a mess." As a result of this the child feels like a failure.

2) Contempt. The child's personality and self-worth is attacked. For example, "you are stupid" or "you are lazy." The child begins to feel worthless.

3) Defensiveness. The child defends him or herself by making up inaccurate and unrealistic excuses. When this happens it becomes very difficult to find a co-operative solution to the problem. The relationship is now adversarial.

4) Withdrawal. The child gives up and becomes depressed. He or she feels that whatever they try or do it will not help. Rebelliousness and "wild" behaviour may be tried since the child or adolescent feels he or she has nothing to loose.

Successful relationships, like most other important things in life, require effort. If a relationship is or has been in serious trouble we must try do everything we can to change it and fix it.

Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., is the publisher of Wisdom Scientific self-help educational programs. Abe is also a registered Social Worker, registered Marriage and Family Therapist, certified hypnotherapist and award winning educator. He concluded, after many years of clinical practice and research, that practical solutions requiring a focussed effort of no more than a few minutes a day for very specific personal and relationship problem were critically needed. Wisdom Scientific publishing house has been created to fill this need. For more information or a free e-bulletin, visit http://www.WisdomScientific.com

---

Why He May Be Cheating On You

Why He May Be Cheating On YouThere could be all... Read More

How Do I Get Him or Her To Talk To Me?!!!

This is a common concern in our society for single... Read More

Conflicts Dont Have to Mean a Fight to the Death

Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.The secret... Read More

Relationship Conflict: The 3 Cs of Resolving Conflict

"And they lived happily ever after.........."Yeah right.Perhaps I'm a little... Read More

Forgiveness

"The important thing to remember when it comes to forgiving... Read More

The 100 Laws

In any group of abused women there's almost always at... Read More

Romantic Relationships: An Internal Process

If you grew up in the 80s like I did,... Read More

Interview with Tigress Luv: How To Get Over A Breakup

Recently I had the opportunity to interview my personal favorite... Read More

Learning to Trust Again

Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a... Read More

Do Men Just Want Mommy?

Accomplished women are losers in romance claims NY Times columnist... Read More

Mairi

Mairi came into my life about two years ago. She... Read More

Attention Guys: Impress Your Girls - Send Flowers!

Remember that big hug she gave you when you got... Read More

Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 2 The Not-the-Same Syndrome

How often do we complain that our man isn't romantic... Read More

10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship

1. Be predictable.When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one... Read More

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Dear Candace,My fiancé and I just broke up, and I... Read More

How To Open Up While Staying Safe

When you've had your heart broken in a relationship, it... Read More

3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More

My Broken Heart

I guess my soulmate wasn't all he was cracked up... Read More

Soul Mate Myths

But the cold truth is that most people have never... Read More

He Said, She Heard: Communication Meltdown within Relationship

It starts young, as babies. We learn communication from our... Read More

Parasitic Relationship

Something in my life is weighing heavily on my mind,... Read More

Relationship Quiz - Copasetic, Caution, or Conundrum?

This quiz is based on key areas of communication and... Read More

Love Problems

Often times when a couple gets married, things get pushed... Read More

Bedroom Treason

Just a note to ask if there are other married... Read More

Successful on the Outside, Lonely on the Inside: Our Hidden Epidemic

I say "Loneliness. Isolation. Invisibility."You ask "Eleanor Rigby?" I say... Read More

Does a Woman Want a Strong Christian Man?

Most women say they want a strong religious man who... Read More

Sound Seduction Advice for Dating and Romance Success

BackgroundSeduction is a subtle tool used with the ultimate goal... Read More

How to Use Your Brain to Seduce Women

CHESS-MATEIf you're one of those guys telling to yourself that... Read More

What You Should Know About Domestic Abuse

What is domestic abuse?There are many forms of domestic abuse,... Read More

Can We Still Be Friends?

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve... Read More

Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE

Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true... Read More

Relationship Your Way To A Successful and Fulfilling Life

What is a relationship? What does a relationship mean? There... Read More

Improve Your Love Luck with Feng Shui!

Are you tired of looking for love without success? If... Read More