Conflict in a relationship is both normal and painful. In working with couples I have found that it's the successful resolution of the conflict that strengthens the couple's bond and brings them closer together. The resolution comes only by walking through the conflict and not around it.
There is so much that can cause conflict, everything from the big five:
1. money
2. sex
3. children
4. in-laws
5. religion
all the way to the proper way to wash and dry dishes.
While conflict can be incredibly painful, a crucial point to keep in mind is that much of conflict springs from unmet emotional needs.
Let's illustrate this point with a couple I have worked with on this particular issue. One of her primary emotional needs is to feel secure. When she feels insecure, she act aggressively and angrily. One of her partner's primary emotional needs is to feel appreciated. When he feels unappreciated, he behaves irresponsibly, usually spending too much money. In the past, this set up quite a vicious cycle for the couple.
This time the issue was money. Next time it could be about something else. The real conflict is about unmet emotional needs.
What this couple has learned to do to break this cycle is simply ask some questions early on in the pattern. He has learned to ask 'What are you feeling scared about?' She has learned to ask, 'In what ways are you feeling unappreciated?'
By asking questions about unmet emotional needs, many conflicts can be resolved, and even better, avoided altogether.
Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.
To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More
It's important for you to take care of yourself before... Read More
We all feel angry from time to time, but feeling... Read More
Do you remember when, as a small child at a... Read More
You have reached the age where you can start thinking... Read More
Whether you caught him in bed with the local bimbo,... Read More
In any group of abused women there's almost always at... Read More
It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent... Read More
Just a note to ask if there are other married... Read More
I say "Loneliness. Isolation. Invisibility."You ask "Eleanor Rigby?" I say... Read More
What are the things you argue about? Where are the... Read More
Introduction Have you ever heard or have you ever seen,... Read More
America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of... Read More
Advertising for St. Valentine's Day seemed more relentless than ever... Read More
Are you getting the love you deserve? Are you being... Read More
If you love me, you will keep my commandments?In the... Read More
With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%,... Read More
This is an amazing story. It's about my friend Robert.... Read More
So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I'm married... Read More
Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past ten years.... Read More
Modern technology hasn't solved any of the problems of creating... Read More
It seems as if creating successful relationships with our significant... Read More
The next week was a whirl. The first quarter of... Read More
Every woman dreams of meeting that special man that knows... Read More
Lately, I think people are investing too much energy in... Read More
Ever since the women's movement began, women have empowered themselves... Read More
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,... Read More
The Common Scenario:Your partner is hardly ever home to give... Read More
Enhance Romance today.When Men and Women enter into a relationship,... Read More
Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a... Read More
Do you want to put to rest the people and... Read More
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number... Read More
Caution is a word with a fine old-fashioned ring. The... Read More
Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past ten years.... Read More
Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes... Read More
What is it about blondes that both sexes find so... Read More
Men wanted desperately, it's official. The increasing surplus of high... Read More
Weve all been there. Weve fallen in love with somebody... Read More
Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their... Read More
Stan is an incurable romantic. Ever since he started courting... Read More
This is a sizzling hot topic for a lot of... Read More
You are never too old and it is never too... Read More
Sometime in the 1950's, women's magazines started publishing relationship quizzes... Read More
Before the advent of the internet, long-distance relationships were rare.... Read More
In my relationship work, this question is probably the one... Read More
Are you dreading the holidays because you are single? For... Read More
"You know, I really do love fish!" My friend... Read More
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard... Read More
"If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do... Read More
All females need sexual tension from a prospective or existing... Read More
If true love has been eluding you, you could increase... Read More
If you're asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you... Read More
In any group of abused women there's almost always at... Read More
SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to... Read More
"We don't have to wait till Valentine's Day to think... Read More
Striking a perfect balance between work and home today can... Read More
If the start of the school year makes you a... Read More
Conflict in a relationship is both normal and painful. In... Read More
How far can you afford to bend your values to... Read More
Here are a few observations on marriage and relationships.Information ExplosionJust... Read More
A husband and wife were doing a little redecorating and... Read More
It has taken me 40 years to learn exactly how... Read More
"I just let him handle things his way." "We're not... Read More
We've all heard the stories. The princess finds her prince... Read More
Sometimes it takes a girlfriend in order to have a... Read More
We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More
Relationship |