Trust Starts with You

"I have a hard time trusting people."

"I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife)."

It is very common for me, in my work as a counselor, to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It's about you become a trustworthy person with yourself and learning to trust yourself.

BECOMING TRUSTWORTHY WITH YOURSELF

How often do you promise yourself you are going to do something and then don't do it? For example, we often promise ourselves to:

• Get the taxes done on time.

• Catch up on email, phone calls, and other correspondence.

• Eat better.

• Drink less alcohol.

• Stop reckless spending, gambling, or whatever puts us in financial distress.

• Stop getting angry.

• Stop giving ourselves up.

• Lose weight.

• Get more exercise.

• Get more sleep (or sleep less).

• Get together with friends.

• Clean up the house, or clean up the clutter.

• Be on time.

• Watch less TV or spend less time on the computer.

• Meditate or pray.

• Take time for ourselves.

• Finish a project.

• And so on?..

If you promise yourself you will do something and then you don't do it, you are not being trustworthy with yourself. This would be like promising a child something and then not doing it. Eventually the child would learn not to trust you. The same applies with your Child within. If you promise yourself ? your Inner Child ? that you will take care of yourself in some way and then you don't do it, the Inner Child learns that there is no inner adult to trust. Since many of us project onto others our own inner issues, it is likely that if you are not trustworthy with yourself, you will project untrustworthiness onto others. You will continue to distrust others as long as you are not behaving in a trustworthy way with yourself and with others.

TRUSTING YOURSELF

Many of us grew up with parents who did not trust our feelings and perceptions. We might have been told that what we felt and what we experienced was wrong.

Mother: Put on a sweater. It's cold outside.

Child: I'm not cold.

Mother: You're just a child. What do you know? Put on a sweater.

Mother: Go give your Uncle Sam a kiss.

Child: No, I don't like Uncle Sam. He's creepy.

Mother: Of course you like Uncle Sam. Now go give him a kiss.

Child: My teacher is really mean to me.

Father: I'm sure your teacher is very nice. If your teacher is mean to you, it must be your fault.

Child: Daddy, why are you angry at me?

Father: I'm not angry.

After a while, we learn to discount and mistrust our feelings and perceptions. We learn to give our authority away to our parents and other adults, deciding that others must know more about what we feel, want and perceive than we do. We abandon our inner knowing and stop trusting ourselves.

I have worked with many people who felt deeply betrayed by someone, only to discover in the course of our work together than they had betrayed themselves by not listening to themselves. I often hear statements such as:

"I knew when we first met that Frank was lying to me about his money situation, but I didn't listen to myself. I believed him instead of believing myself, and now I'm stuck with all this debt."

"I had a feeling that Katherine was having affairs even before we got married but I didn't listen to myself. The last thing I ever wanted was to be divorced with children."

We can often feel in our bodies what is true and what is untrue, yet many of us don't listen to these inner messages. Instead, we put our trust in others and then feel betrayed when others let us down. When we choose to listen to and trust our own inner voice rather than give our power away to others, we will no longer put ourselves in positions to be used and betrayed.

How often have you ignored yourself when something didn't feel right, only to later discover that you really did know that something wasn't right? How often have you heard the voice of your inner or Higher Self and discounted it, only to regret it later?

Your trust issues with others will be resolved when you become a trustworthy adult with yourself ? following through on what you say you will do, and when you learn to trust your inner knowing. It will be harder for others to get away with unloving acts toward you when you learn to trust yourself.

Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul

This article is offered for free use in your ezine, print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of a powerful healing process called Inner Bonding. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course (and other articles that are free to use): http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

If You Cannot Make Friends, Make Foes

There are few desires (if any) stronger than the deep... Read More

Top Ten List of What to Do and What Not to Do in Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone... Read More

ARC of Understanding

In relationship we all make mistakes and sometimes we are... Read More

Power Struggle!

The greatest asset we have in human existence is our... Read More

10 Clues of an Online Affair

1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line. Who... Read More

Are You Really Ready For a Relationship?

So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I'm married... Read More

Relationship Problems Have Warning Signs

Families are made up of individuals; men, women, and children.... Read More

Living in Fear!

As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed

To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More

Conflict In Faith

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 19,... Read More

Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You... Read More

Tips for Building Love Relationships - 1

Nearly everyone claims to want a great relationship with their... Read More

Holiday Fun for Singles

Are you dreading the holidays because you are single? For... Read More

When Someone You Love is Moving

Your best friend moves a thousand miles, your aunt retires... Read More

3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More

How To Change A Loved Ones Annoying Habits

Is there someone close to you who has an annoying... Read More

Calling All Single Parents! Why not Try Online Dating?

Forming a relationship when you're a single mother or father... Read More

Setting Up Boundaries in Relationships

Setting up personal boundaries is important in all types of... Read More

Unfaithfulness

AS I STARED at the sunset, I marveled at its... Read More

You Dont Have to Break Down, When You Break Up!

Very few people would argue with the fact that creating... Read More

7 Things You Must Know About Women

Most men find women mysterious and confusing. You find us... Read More

A Gift From the Heart of a Friend

She stares at me and then closes her eyes. A... Read More

Why Some Men Dont Want To Commit

If you are dating, engaged, or still trying to find... Read More

The Logic Of Females - Or Lack There Of

Many males complain that they don't understand females. Many females... Read More

The Fine Art of Flirting

Did you know that it is not necessarily your looks... Read More

After Retirement Separation - Life Just Gets Better!

Life after retirement separation can be a very lonely one... Read More

The Spiritual Connection of True Romance

In the springtime, with the flowers budding and the birds... Read More

The Economics of True Love

In the real world, can there be romance without finance?... Read More

Proper Flower Etiquette

Flowers are great gifts for practically any occasion, but there... Read More

Managing Miscommunication - Asking The Agreement Question?

A man and woman were trying to move a couch... Read More

How to Start a Conversation With a Woman

Last week I had the easiest pick up and seduction... Read More

Communication Is The Key To A Lasting Relationship

"If you are trying to find ways to lead a... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Tip from Monica and Chandler of Friends

If you are looking for it, you can find relationship... Read More