Most think that relationships exist to make them happy. When they find that special person, they believe that love will naturally grow. But in relationships we encounter everything, challenges, joy, fulfillment, loss. Yet, despite all training in life, we seldom learn about the knitty gritty of relationships, how to build the relationship in a way that brings out the best in all.
To start this process, there are 7 simple laws we can learn and use. These laws will act as guideposts, helping us to choose wisely and to avoid costly mistakes.
Law #1 - There is never a lack of relationships. Relationships are abundantly available wherever you are.
Many live with the idea that love is scarce -there's not enough to go around and that they must cling to whatever comes their way. This idea can cause them to get involved with the wrong person, or stay in a relationship that is toxic for them. It is crucial to realize that relationships are plentiful. (If you don't have one, it is because you are keeping it away). It is never necessary to cling to someone out of fear of being alone.
Law # 2 Know Who You Are And What You Really Want
Many enter relationships hoping that it will give them a life, or make them feel better about themselves. They may want their partner to take care of them, or give them the approval they've been denied. But it is of the utmost importance to know and respect who you are, to enjoy your own company and be aware of your own values and goals. Otherwise, you can lost in a relationship, become a pawn in someone else's world.. A healthy relationship is an expression of two people, both equally valuable. In this kind of relationship you discover all you have to offer and how to offer it.
Law #3 Don't Keep Choosing The Wrong Person For You
Some find, to their amazement, that they choose the same partner, over and over again. Relationships patterns repeat as well. This is called the repetition compulsion. It is the unconscious need to repeat a situation over and over until we master it or it turns out the way we want it to. This compulsion keeps some people stuck in a bind.
If you are caught in this, see what this pattern is doing for you. Actively choose different places to go and individuals who are different from those you usually meet. Become stronger than the pattern. Turn you life around.
Law #4 - Enjoy Honest Communication Without the ability to say No, we cannot say Yes. Don't pretend to be someone you're not to make another happy. Don't give up that which is meaningful to you for the sake of a friendship. The bedrock of all happy relationships is mutual respect and acceptance and open, honest, communication. Ask for what is important to you. Find out what is really going on for your partner. When a person really feels listened to and accepted they feel loved.
Law #5 Don't Try To Change Or Fix Other Person
Let everyone be who they are, including yourself. So many of us are obsessed with changing or fixing everyone. This is not friendship, but manipulation. . Many believe that if the person cared enough, they would certainly change for them. This is not so. Changing another is not your job. Find out who the person you are with really is. If someone feels accepted, they can change themselves, if they want to.
Law # 6- Know Difference Between Real and Counterfeit Love.
Feeling happy, high, excited or attached to a person, feeling possessive or dependent is not love. It's infatuation, ego thrills or dependency, usually based upon fantasy. Inevitably, fantasies fade. People then feel that the love is over. It is not over, it's just been a form of counterfeit love. We must learn the difference between real and counterfeit love, between love and fantasy. Counterfeit love always involves struggle and pain. Real love never does. Real love is a verb. It is not based simply upon feelings, which come and go, but actions. It is important to learn "to"do love". Do love and you will be loved. in return.
Law #7 - See the Best In Others - And In Yourself.
What we see in others, we bring out in them. If we focus upon their negative points (and let them know about them), you can be certain the negativity will increase. When we focus upon what is good in that person and let them know, this brings out the best. The better a person then feels about themselves, the less need they have for negativity. Often it can just fall away on its own.
Law #7 1/2- The Master Law
When They Come We Welcome, When They Go We Do Not Pursue
Understand that each relationship lasts for a certain time. You've come together to learn from one another, to share, enjoy and often move along. This is not rejection, but growth and change. Change is natural and inevitable. Don't see it as failure. Don't see it as loss. Don't try to control when time comes to go. Realize that if the person is supposed to be with you longer, they will return on their own. The greatest art of relationships is to know how to let go. When someone new comes welcome them, when it's time to let go, thank the person for all you've received from them and let go.
Discover more about the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna's new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com
Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops on all aspects of relationships and fulfilling your potential. She is the author of many books, including Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), What He Can't Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam) and many others. You can contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. Her personal website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/
Recently I had the opportunity to interview my personal favorite... Read More
Dear Lucia,I know I made a stupid mistake but what... Read More
As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More
Stepping into a new position brought along a few surprises.... Read More
How do I draw a soulmate into my life? You... Read More
Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue... Read More
Once, when asked about her life, former First Lady Barbara... Read More
Are You A 'Hopium Addict?'If the question alone was enough... Read More
Romance can be experienced in numerous ways, but it is... Read More
Have you ever been called a flirt?Good for you!You see,... Read More
We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More
Ask any single adult what qualities he or she wants... Read More
Your dream is so beautiful and it is never to... Read More
Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You... Read More
IntroductionHave you ever heard or have you ever seen, father-son;... Read More
You are hurt, you are angry, you are simply devastated.Things... Read More
Many people, maybe even you, think there is only one... Read More
Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last... Read More
Everything was great.We had been dating for 6 months. We... Read More
One day a telegram arrived at a man's door. When... Read More
Some soul mate couples refuse to grow. They refuse to... Read More
In my e-book, How to Build Relationships That Stick, I... Read More
Have you been blindsided by an unhappy spouse who suddenly... Read More
Groucho Marx was, I believe, a comic genius; a linguistic... Read More
Gag gifts can be very funny. They can also cause... Read More
If you have looked high and low, left and right... Read More
As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself... Read More
Every relationship needs relief from the same old bedroom routine... Read More
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More
In the real world, can there be romance without finance?... Read More
To tell you the truth, I'm a little disillusioned with... Read More
Advertising for St. Valentine's Day seemed more relentless than ever... Read More
How many time have you felt an instant attraction to... Read More
Most men find women mysterious and confusing. You find us... Read More
Very few people would argue with the fact that creating... Read More
Dear Candace,I am in the process of getting divorced and... Read More
Being a good friend is a skill we can learn... Read More
Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say... Read More
Have you been blindsided by an unhappy spouse who suddenly... Read More
How does one talk his/her spouse into living the Swinging... Read More
Have you ever wondered why we flirt? I mean, we've... Read More
I will in this article cover some of my own... Read More
Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More
Have you noticed that there's an ebb and flow to... Read More
It's been a few months since the riveting headlines: The... Read More
Having a penpal can be fun; bringing diversity into your... Read More
How much energy do you spend trying to get what... Read More
Being in love does not mean that you should turn... Read More
It's strange how often abused women tell you how loving... Read More
Any man who has dated Asian ladies who live in... Read More
This is a question that comes up a lot. It's... Read More
It is possible for women to steer clear of an... Read More
As there are different types of women, there are different... Read More
My sister is 45 and having an affair with an... Read More
You have reached the age where you can start thinking... Read More
The word "deceive" is derived from Latin, de- away +... Read More
Questions and Answers:I often feel sad in my relationship, what... Read More
All too often you fall in love with someone out... Read More
If you are looking for it, you can find relationship... Read More
Knowing her day can be dreadfully tiresome when she mounts... Read More
You've been in a relationship for quite some time and... Read More
All I wanted was to fall in love and live... Read More
Love is something we all need, and want. For love,... Read More
Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past ten years.... Read More
All females need sexual tension from a prospective or existing... Read More
Sometimes, after a relationship has ended, many of us have... Read More
Relationship |