Relationship Advice: After the Break Up - Creating an Exit Door in Your Heart

Q. It's been over a year since the guy I thought I would be married to broke up with me. He said he was just scared to make the commitment. I felt like I tried really hard and did the best I could in this one. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I can't seem to get over this no matter how hard I try. I'm afraid that there will never be anyone else that I can get that close to or who will understand me. I keep trying to figure out where I went wrong.

A. A year is a long time to feel bad, and usually much longer than is necessary.

I'm going to guess about a few things that might be going on here.

Reliving the relationship

Many times when a person is still feeling as bad as you do more than a year later, it's because you've spent the last year reliving the relationship. This comes in the form of trying to figure out exactly what went wrong, fueled by the inaccurate belief that if you could just figure out exactly what went wrong, then you could let go.

The reality is that spending so much time trying to figure out what went wrong keeps you attached to the relationship and prevents you from moving on.

Relationships are messy things, and many times we can never really know exactly what went wrong.

Our brains are very obedient at times. If you keep asking your brain to figure out what you did wrong, it's going to search for all kinds of reasons, and you are going to wind up feeling like a failure.

My guess is while the relationship failed, you did not.

If you are with someone who is just not ready to commit, you cannot fail.

This is because when there is no possibility of success, you simply cannot fail.

Differences between men and women

I'm about to speak in general about the differences between men and women, which is always a dangerous thing. But here goes: In general, men have two doors to their hearts, one marked enter and one marked exit. Women don't have an exit door to their hearts, which makes getting over someone much more difficult.

Creating an exit door

You need to create an exit door in your heart and then show this guy, and the pain and hurt, right out the door.

Relationships end.

If the desired outcome and measure of success is a committed marriage, then all the other relationships before marriage are failed relationships.

But if you handled yourself well, feel good about your behavior and choices, and even used what you learned in other relationships in this one, then you were successful.

Consider what you learned in this relationship that you can use to make the next one(s) better.

If you learned what a commitment-challenged guy looks like and that these relationships don't work out, then it was time well spent.

Make a list of all the things you learned from this one that will help you in the future.

Since this guy was too scared to commit, then he did you a favor by breaking up with you. Marriage to a commitment-challenged person is a disaster and a divorce looking for a place to happen.

Here's a fun little trick to help show this guy out the exit door of your heart:

Imagine a picture of the relationship in your mind. It feels like it's right out in front of you, a few inches from your face, and difficult to see past. Take that picture and imagine moving it off to the side of you, out of view. Feels better, doesn't it?

Practice this and you will be able to show him the exit door to your heart, and soon, you will picture it behind you altogether.

And then you will be ready to move on.

Leading relationship expert Jeff Herring is a Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Nationally Syndicated Relationship columnist.

You can read more practical tips, common sense relationship advice and occasional humor at his website SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

---

Relationship Quiz - Copasetic, Caution, or Conundrum?

This quiz is based on key areas of communication and... Read More

Russian Brides - Who Are They?

In recent years, thousands of young Russian and Ukrainian women... Read More

Is This The One?

Isn't that the million dollar question? How can I tell... Read More

Proper Flower Etiquette

Flowers are great gifts for practically any occasion, but there... Read More

Men Love Women Who Initiate Sex ? 4 Fun Ways to Do It

This is a sizzling hot topic for a lot of... Read More

Are Women From Utopia And Men From Wal-Mart?

It is surprising how many writers, psychologists, or scientists have... Read More

Did He Think of Me?

As a betrayed partner this was one of the first... Read More

Learning to Trust Again

Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a... Read More

Five Telltale Signs That A Role Reversal Relationship Could Be Right For You

Powerful, accomplished women intimidate some men, but fascinate others. If... Read More

Relationship Advice: 3 Kinds of Love

There are three kinds of love:love as a feeling, love... Read More

Relationship Problems: Solvable or Unsolvable

Every so often, I will hear a relationship speaker claim... Read More

Healing The Mid-Life Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live... Read More

Coping with Your Abuser

How to cope with your abuser?Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers... Read More

Secrets To Get To The Heart Of Your Loved One

The other day, I was home with my sweet love... Read More

Your Relationships Begin With You

As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself... Read More

Moving On to Much Better Things After Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult, but being alone can... Read More

Build your Social Support Network

A social support network is a group of people who... Read More

Find Love The Zen Way

"If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do... Read More

How to Find Relationship Advice

One thing to keep in mind when seeking relationship advice... Read More

Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 3 - The Jealousy Syndrome

Jealousy, unfortunately it seems to pop up sometime in even... Read More

Are You Fit To Love?

is the most important question you'll ever ask yourself. Let's... Read More

One of The Main Reasons Why Relationships Fall Apart

I had the priviledge to try out a BMW M5... Read More

Why Its Good To Be Alone

Have you noticed that there's an ebb and flow to... Read More

Approval - You Dont Need It

Yesterday, after receiving a massage to help ease my computer-aided... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

Dating Women From Russia: Important Tips The Marriage Agencies Never Tell You

I want to share with you information that the Russian... Read More

Relationhip Advice: How to Have Fun Together

Work. Bills. Kids. Chores.Etc.All these things get in the way... Read More

Only You Can Decide If Your Interracial Love Will Stand the Test of Time

Interracial dating has really evolved over the past two decades... Read More

Sad Scientific Facts About Love

Disaster results when we see women trying to change a... Read More

Pros and Cons of Online Relationships

Modern technology hasn't solved any of the problems of creating... Read More

My Fairy Tale Is Gone

Dear Candace,My girlfriend and I recently split up. I called... Read More

Diamond Promise Rings ? For When You Mean It

Diamond promise rings are quite common, but many are not... Read More

What Type of a Kisser Are You?

As we all know, there are many types of kiss.... Read More