Are You A Hopium Addict?

Are You A 'Hopium Addict?'

If the question alone was enough to make you recoil in horror, it doesn't necessarily mean that the term couldn't possibly apply to you. You may not have heard the term before, but your reaction may be because you are a closet hopium addict.

What is the definition of a hopium addict? 'A hopium addict is someone who puts their own emotional needs on hold, while they wait for their partner to kick their addiction ? be it to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or emotionally and physically abusive behaviour ? despite all the evidence to the contrary'.

Addiction to drugs, alcohol and gambling are easy enough to identify. The addiction to emotionally and physically abusive behaviour is generally far less readily identifiable, at least to the woman who is on the receiving end of it.

You see, women don't intentionally fall in love with a bully. They'll fall in love with someone who's strong, masterful, in control, masculine, powerful, resourceful, confident; in short, someone who'll complete them, someone who appears to embody all the old fashioned stereotypes of what a man is. (Or, at least, what a man was before the feminists started to challenge the stereotype.)

Now, the man who appears to embody all these stereotypes, behaves in a particular way that allows his conquest to slip into: 'I'm-a-princess-and-I've-finally-been-rescued-by-my-prince' mode. Suddenly, all the burdens of coping on her own have been lifted from her shoulders. Suddenly, she'll never have to 'do' life alone again?

By rights, these couples should just walk off into the sunset happily together, the man chivalrously keeping his sword slung over his right hip to protect his lady from danger?. Except that it's not really like that.

Abusive men start out very charming and chivalrous and in control. They tend to be fast wooers ? because the veneer of confident masculinity is actually rather thin and brittle. Underpinning the veneer there is a profound sense of personal inadequacy and a fundamental dislike of women. (If you listen to them long enough they'll tell you that key female figures in their life have wronged them. At bottom, they mistrust all women.)

Once the fog of hormones, pheromones and straight lust starts to lift, things play out rather differently. Abusive men seek commitment yet loathe the demands it imposes on them. They encourage their partner to depend on them, then become acutely resentful of the dependency they see.

This resentment, increasingly, reveals itself in reproaches, fault finding, withdrawal of intimacy and escalating outbursts of anger. Whether or not physical violence is used, the nature of these outbursts is violent, inasmuch as it shatters trust and undermines the woman's feelings of self-worth.

The man may, or may not, threaten to leave. Almost certainly, he will point out to his partner how fundamentally flawed and unworthy she is. The woman is likely to have difficulty in reconciling this stranger, who is incandescent with self-righteous fury, with the prince who wooed her.

An attack of this kind is devastating and, at least in the early days, the woman is likely to reveal the depth of her distress. When she does so, the man's fury will subside and he will revert to being her loving cavalier? for a while at least.

The point is: an abusive man restores his own feelings of self-worth by cutting 'the little woman' down to size ? irrespective of whatever it is that occurred to make him feel small in the first place.

But there's also a calculation involved: whether or not he loves her, he desperately needs her, because he uses her to shore up his feelings about himself. So, he has to do his best not to drive her away; which is why he reverts back to loving mode? until the next time. And there always will be a next time - which will always be worse than before - because in order to get his payoff, he has to 'up the ante'.

Over time, as he keeps knocking her down (psychologically and perhaps physically also), he becomes more confident that she won't leave. With all the conflict she loses the energy and the sense of an independent self that she needs to leave. So the loving interludes become less necessary, for him, and less frequent.

And that's where the hopium addiction comes in. He may still 'mainline' her just enough love to keep her locked in; or else she may be so starved that she stays, when she should have left long ago, still trying to get the 'fix' she needs; the fix, that she misguidedly believes, only he can provide.

The hopium addict is the woman who thinks that her partner loves her really, he just has difficulty showing it because he's had a hard time. She believes that somehow it will all work out alright, they'll find a way to live happily together ever after, the kids won't be affected.

Unfortunately, hopium addiction is degenerative; like any other addiction, unless you get treatment, it will destroy you.

Annie Kaszina Specialist Women's Empowerment Coach and NLP Practitioner. Author of the ebook "The Woman You Want To Be"

e-mail me at annie@joyfulcoaching.com

Annie is passionate about helping women to attract the relationships they truly want.

You can subscribe to Annie's free ezine at http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

---

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number... Read More

Will They or Will They Not Cheat?

Have you ever told your partner or spouse how you... Read More

Relationship Problems: Whats Your Contribution?

As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More

Building the Bond in Your Relationship

A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a... Read More

Soul Mates - Do They Really Exist?

Throughout centuries, story tellers, and people from different background and... Read More

Prince Charles and Camilla - The Greatest Love Story Of Our Time

Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles have loved each other... Read More

How To Quickly Turn Platonic Friends into Lovers Using The New 5-Step Jealousy Technique

I'm going to get straight to the point. If you... Read More

What Planet Is Your Relationship On?

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: The Ability to Apologize and Forgive

I'm sorry can be words that are much too easy... Read More

Relationship Red Flags Do Appear Early On

So often in the bloom of a new romance we... Read More

Is Your Negative Thinking Scaring Off Your Soul Mates?

Francine Bonnecelli* swore off relationships the day her husband of... Read More

Valentines Day Gifts Can Expose a Cheating Husband

If you have the uneasy feeling that your husband is... Read More

Great Relationships: Checkbook Battles and How to Solve Them

"You can't hold on to a dime. Do you own... Read More

Are You Relationship Ready?

So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly... Read More

Coping with Your Abuser

How to cope with your abuser?Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers... Read More

The Top 10 Ways to Keep Passion in Your Relationship

All long-term relationships go through a variety of phases. There... Read More

Blondes Talking About Blondes!

What is it about blondes that both sexes find so... Read More

The Evolution of Love

Songs have been saying it for generations together. Ask anyone... Read More

Intent

Over the past few months, things in my life have... Read More

Are You Paralysed By The Fear Of Future Regrets?

Edith Piaf remains an icon and her best loved song,... Read More

For Soul Mates: Will you grow or stagnate? Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Some soul mate couples refuse to grow. They refuse to... Read More

Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1

IntroductionMany gay men in both short and long-term relationships report... Read More

Feel Like a (Romantic) Kid Again

If the start of the school year makes you a... Read More

The Sting of Infidelity Isnt that Bad! Right? Is it?

1. Sleepless nights are part of a victims' experience... Read More

Rediscovering Love and Intimacy

Wendy started counseling with me because Terence, her husband of... Read More

All About Soul Mates

1. How do I know when I've met my Soul... Read More

The Simple Facts About Falling In Love

We are meant to live a life of love. However,... Read More

What is Romance and How Can You be More Romantic?

Whether you've been in a relationship for a long time,... Read More

Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge

Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse... Read More

Shattered Visions

Sometimes it takes a girlfriend in order to have a... Read More

No More Lonely Weekends!

How do you react when you are faced with spending... Read More

Cheating Wives and Cheating Husbands Give Different Reasons for Having Extramarital Affairs

Infidelity studies indicate that the percentage of cheating wives is... Read More

Relationship Advice: How to Make a Genuine Apology

A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More