Are You Paralysed By The Fear Of Future Regrets?

Edith Piaf remains an icon and her best loved song, "Non, je ne regrette rien", remains an anthem in part because of the issues that so many of us have with regret. If the emotionally vulnerable Parisian sparrow could live free from regrets then maybe the rest us can also.

Women who are just starting out on their journey of recovery from abuse are often stymied by the spectre of future regret.

Curiously, that regret isn't generally about wasting their time, love and energy on an emotional Neanderthal. Instead it's about their own perceived failures in the relationship and the fear that they might yet realise that they have given up on a good thing.

(Quite why a 'good thing' would masquerade so resolutely as a bad thing defies explanation. But any woman who is prepared to believe in the fundamental goodness of her partner, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, should never accuse herself of a lack of optimism. Sure, it may be misplaced, but it proves that she has a capacity for unlimited optimism that she can begin to turn to her own advantage.)

Future regret is a worst-case scenario in which a woman views her unhappy relationship through rose coloured blinkers and sees a yet more distorted and selective reworking of reality.

Future regret is actually an expression of present fear: fear that she will never again encounter such a wonderful human being (truly); fear that life has nothing more to offer her, nor she to offer life; fear of the void that awaits her.

Abuse breeds fear, and fear breeds paralysis.

It's powerful stuff. But where does it come from?

Abusive partners endlessly ? and in all seriousness ? tell women just how wonderful they, the abusers, are. They brainwash women into accepting a questionable worldview in which abused women have been blessed with the incredible, unrepeatable good fortune of being tolerated by a prince-among-men?

Now, suppose these women have already been subjected to a schematic vision of the world in which their alleged unworthiness is tolerated (just), by their (wonderful) parents or family members. Then, much of the groundwork has already been done, even before a prince-among-men (P-A-M) appears, croaking his endearing frog-like croak.

Given their lack of self-assurance, abused women assume that a P-A-M-free future is likely to be worse than reality à deux. They don't think that this is actually an incredibly tall order. Abusive men are, after all, past masters at ensuring that things are as bad as they can get. (Some will continue to do so, even after the woman ends the relationship.)

Nevertheless, it is possible for abused women to create the future they want for themselves. All the more so once they realise that present fears cannot accurately predict future reality.

In "The Sedona Method", Hale Dwoskin makes the telling observation: "Feelings only lie. They tell us we are going to get from letting go of them what we already have from holding on to them." So it is with our fears and regrets. What we fear we will regret by letting go of a situation, is simply what we have by holding on to it.

As a general principle, people who instil in you a fear of what you might live to regret are precisely those who feel they stand to lose by what you might decide. Their (unspoken) fear is that you might spread your wings and fly, leaving them behind, earth-bound. In other words, in an undeniably neat manoeuvre, they have managed to dump their fear onto you, in the guise of your alleged future regret.

Once you can see how regret is designed to hamstring you, you can start to move forward into the unknown and the future free of your old fear.

C) 2005 Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women heal the trauma of the past, so they can enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

---

Pay Attention! Mastering Communication Skills with Women

One of the biggest complaints women have about men is... Read More

How Can I Get My Partner To Change?

How much energy do you spend trying to get what... Read More

What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Romance

Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More

Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying

Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You... Read More

7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships

A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners... Read More

All About Soul Mates

1. How do I know when I've met my Soul... Read More

Can You Become A Better Friend After Taking A Friendship Quiz?

Q. Does a friendship quiz really work?A. That depends upon... Read More

Coping with Your Difficulties in Yourself

Ashleigh Brillant once said""Coping with difficult people is always a... Read More

Lists, Lists, and More Lists

Every person that thinks something is amiss in their relationship... Read More

Did Casanova Really Need the Oysters?

Scientists are rubbing their hands together with glee. A recent... Read More

Women Are Not Aliens

One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More

Global Conflict and Inter-Religious Dialogue: The Importance of Understanding Others

As is learned in the study of Comparative Religion, the... Read More

Honesty Accepted - Deception Denied

We've all done it at one time or another, or... Read More

The Sound of His Laughter

When you're searching for your Mr. Right, I want you... Read More

Whats The Attraction?

Why do people have affairs? Why not do the 'right'... Read More

Being Dumped, Just Plain Sucks!

Today I received a question from a guy. Here is... Read More

How To Change A Loved Ones Annoying Habits

Is there someone close to you who has an annoying... Read More

Office Nomance

Are Office Romance's really that bad? The answer is ?..it... Read More

Friendship Advice for a Shrinking Planet

Ahh, friends. The people we pick up along the proverbial... Read More

A Gift From the Heart of a Friend

She stares at me and then closes her eyes. A... Read More

How to Ease the Pain of a Breakup

Whether you do the dumping or you are the one... Read More

Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."That's how the sticker in... Read More

Stop Making Relationship Mistakes! Avoid Another Unhappy Relationship!

It is possible for women to steer clear of an... Read More

Relationship Advice: 9 More Must-Know Tips for Couples

The Law of Two QuestionsThere are two questions that couples... Read More

Relationship Advice - 5 Sure Fire Ways to Mess Things Up

1) Stay committed to your "right to be right."Argue for... Read More

Tips for Building Love Relationships - 1

Nearly everyone claims to want a great relationship with their... Read More

Love Relationships: Focusing on What went Right

What's all the Hype about Love Relationships, Anyway?Love relationships are... Read More

Why You Should Be Happy You Caught Your Partner Cheating

The dictionary defines infidelity as "unfaithfulness to a sexual partner".... Read More

Why Doesnt She Leave Him?

It's very easy to look, from the outside, at another... Read More

Yellow and Orange Flags in Relationships

It's been said that love is blind. It may also... Read More

Be Glad That There?s Quarrel in Your Relationship

Is your love relationship smooth? Have the both of you... Read More

What Does a Dangerous Man Look Like?

When you are dating you try to keep from a... Read More

Boston Lawyers, DC Lawyers and Individual Rights

Looks like everyone wants to sue someone right? Well, I... Read More