Ulterior Motive

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7, 2004

Life was not this complicated a year ago--said laughing while banging head on keyboard. I can make this short, but there is so much and I want to be fair.

Stage one: friends. A friend decides our relationship needs to be advanced to a sexual/dating level. This was probably his objective when we first started hanging out, however, I could not picture us together. He was not my type, the age difference was huge (15 years), and I just couldn't see an "us."

Stage two: friends plus. Imagine my surprise when I fell head over heels in love. He quickly and effortlessly became my favorite person in the whole world. Once we started sleeping together, well, he's the best I ever had, and he's said the same about me. Regardless, it's been a huge headache.

He's got this nice little routine that works for him, and I never once worried about losing my independence because he was so dead set against losing his. It didn't take long to realize I adore this man, and we fit great together. The beginning of the end was saying this aloud to him.

I know the rules: always hang up first, leave them wanting more, never give details, blah, blah, blah. But I made the decision to love him and that negated the Barbie and Ken mating ritual in my mind. Not in his. The chase was the most exciting part to him.

Stage three: stage fright. He "loves me but is not in love with me." (What does that mean, anyway?) We started the cycle of break up, just friends, get together, have sex, break up, etc. We finally stopped dating, again, two months ago. I've been heartbroken since.

Valerie

Valerie, in one of P.G. Wodehouse's novels, Bertie Wooster says, "It's like Shakespeare. It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything." That is what we think of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything good. What does it mean? It means "I don't love you."

One line of your note jumped out at us. "He's got this nice little routine that works for him." That's the situation in a nutshell. He's got this nice little routine that works for him. Not for both of you, but for him. And he doesn't want to change. You believed his objective from the start was to advance your friendship to a sexual level. Friendship was never his objective.

It might help you to think of this man as a confirmed bachelor who keeps women on a shelf until he needs them. Or think of him as a married man, married to himself. It is futile to pursue a confirmed bachelor or a married man.

What is in your heart? That there is a purpose to dating. There is a goal. You want someone you love, who loves you, in a mutually exclusive relationship leading to marriage. Once you realize you cannot go there with this man, you can move on.

Wayne & Tamara

Science Fiction

I recently had sex with a girl from work. It was only a bit of fun, and it only happened once, but now she says she is pregnant. I made it quite clear I do not want this baby, but she has not even considered what I have to say. She is keeping the baby.

Now, it's like I have been used in some way. My head is in bits. Is there some way of dealing with this so she cannot come to me in the future asking for money?

Earl

Earl, if H.G Wells' time machine actually existed, you could go back in time and wear a condom while you are having your "bit of fun." That is no less a fantasy than believing you are not financially responsible for your child.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

If You Love Me

If you love me, you will keep my commandments?In the... Read More

Holy Mantrimony

In the last couple of weeks, the catholic war machine... Read More

Save Your Relationships (5 Easy Steps To A Winning Relationship)

We all enter relationships hoping they will make us happy.... Read More

The Egoistic Friend

What are friends for and how can a friendship be... Read More

Finding Love With Feng Shui

If true love has been eluding you, you could increase... Read More

Apologizing When We Hurt Our Friends or Partners

In every relationship there will be occasional misunderstandings and hurt... Read More

Honesty Accepted - Deception Denied

We've all done it at one time or another, or... Read More

Has The Magic Gone From Your Relationship?

Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now.... Read More

The Relativity of Your Life

We live in the world of the relative. What and... Read More

Playful, Innocent Phone Sex

So you're sitting there on the phone, trying to talk... Read More

Relationship Advice: 5 Tips to Make a Strong Marriage Even Better

1. Time together is time during which the complete focus... Read More

Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?

How far can you afford to bend your values to... Read More

Lifelong Partners, Lifelong Growth

Many people, maybe even you, think there is only one... Read More

Ending a Relationship Gracefully

Ending a relationship is never easy. When you feel you... Read More

Great Relationships: How to Create a Nag-Free Zone

Q: My wife and I have a good marriage that... Read More

What Is A Boundary In A Relationship?

You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary,... Read More

The 4 Deadly Mistakes of Wife Seduction

When a guy gets turned down over and over again... Read More

Diamond Alternatives ? There Are Some Great Options

There is little doubt that diamonds are one of the... Read More

Dinner Scooped Off the Floor - Why Men Wont Commit

"We strengthen a muscle by using it, and that is... Read More

Being Dumped, Just Plain Sucks!

Today I received a question from a guy. Here is... Read More

Relationship Advice: After the Break Up - Creating an Exit Door in Your Heart

Q. It's been over a year since the guy I... Read More

Two Kinds of Love

Love is something we all need, and want. For love,... Read More

3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More

Mindfulness and Flirting: Seizing The Moment

Have you ever been called a flirt?Good for you!You see,... Read More

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part I)

When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many... Read More

Extra-marital Affairs...Yes or No!!!

Extra-marital Affairs?Yes or No!!! (Think and Tell)"Human Relations", a complex... Read More

Victorias Secret Disclosed!

SHHHHHH, don't tell anybody, but, I know the secret.It all... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed

To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More

Relationship Advice: How to Ignore Your Spouse or Partner

Marriage can be one of the quickest and most effective... Read More

Universal Laws for Couples

The Law of Connection: Spouses are either growing closer or... Read More

Only You Can Decide If Your Interracial Love Will Stand the Test of Time

Interracial dating has really evolved over the past two decades... Read More

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes--Celebrity Romance

Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a hard... Read More

Is Love Ever In Vain?

All too often you fall in love with someone out... Read More