Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known As Jealousy

Introduction

You might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover "the look-over." You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man. Or you might experience it if you have an "open relationship" and you know your partner is out "tricking." Whatever its form, jealousy can take on many different faces and it can kill your relationship if it's not managed appropriately. If you're the one who's afflicted with jealousy, it can torment and consume you, zapping you of all security and contentment. If you're the partner of a jealous lover, your frustration at having to "walk on eggshells" and constantly reassure your guy of your commitment to him can be maddening.

Jealousy is not bad in and of itself. It is a feeling and all our feelings are ok; it's what we do with them that can mean the difference between relationship calm and relationship storm. Jealousy can actually benefit your partnership in its mildest form. But if it is a recurrent, pervasive theme that seems to dominate the climate of your relationship, it can sabotage your future together and lead to a lot of hurt and grief. This article will address some of the dynamics involved in jealousy and offer some tips for you and your partner in overcoming and defeating it.

Jealousy & Its Causes

Jealousy can be defined as a feeling that arises from a perceived threat to your relationship. It almost always involves fear-fear of loss of abandonment or losing your partner, fear of being replaced with someone else, fear of not being important enough anymore and being excluded, etc. This significantly impacts one's self-esteem and leads to insecurity and using self-defeating behaviors to ward off these painful feelings and gain a sense of control (although it never really accomplishes that and creates vicious cycles of the same dysfunctional behavior over and over again). Self-defeating behaviors might include spying on your partner, excessive clinginess toward him, constant questioning of his whereabouts and activities, among others.

What are the causes of jealousy? There are "inner" and "outer" causes. Inner causes might include low self-esteem and confidence (believing one is unattractive or unworthy of being in a healthy relationship), a past history of experiences that created distrust, and beliefs that one will be single forever if he loses his partner. External causes might include how one's partner acts (expressing interest or flirting with someone else) or the actual involvement of a third person in the relationship. "Factors that seem to affect the susceptibility to jealousy include the length and stability of the relationship, maturity, dependence, and level of self-esteem of the individuals, their expectations for emotional gratification, and the perceived availability of alternatives to the primary relationship (Neidig & Friedman, 1984).

Low levels of jealousy can actually be positive for your relationship. It can be a signal that something's "off" between the two of you. It can help partners feel cared for and be an indication to not take each other for granted. It can also increase communication, commitment, and sexual intensity. "Jealousy becomes problematic when it is expressed indirectly, is experienced compulsively, becomes irrational, or leads to extreme levels of vigilance and control" (Neidig & Friedman, 1984). The major consequence is that it also leads to a severe break-down in the level of trust and intimacy between the two men, core ingredients that are necessary for a healthy relationship to last. And the other paradoxical effect of jealousy is that it can create the very outcome that is feared and dreaded the most---the ending of the relationship.

Tips For Conquering the Jealousy Beast

If you are the one suffering from jealousy? *Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousy-it is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it.

*Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions.

*Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as:
·Do I trust my partner and believe what he says?
·Am I projecting my own issues and feelings onto him and blaming him? What is my jealousy really about?
·What hurts? What's missing in my life?
·What are the consequences of my jealousy? What do I get out of it that may be perpetuating it?
·Are my jealous feelings rational or irrational? Are they based more on real threats or insecurities?

*Identify your triggers to jealousy and either avoid them or find ways to confront them head-on in a healthy way.

*Live in the present. Your partner is not your ex-boyfriend. Learn how to control your anger and grieve past losses and hurts.

*Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner's behavior. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality.

*Realize that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You create your own interpretations and perceptions of events and situations. Learn to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs and develop affirmations or coaching, coping statements to write on index cards for reference to help you through difficult times.

*Practice relaxation techniques to help you cope with your anxiety.

*Make sure to have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose.

*Build your self-esteem by taking safe risks that boost your confidence and allow you to see the strengths you possess.

If you are the partner of a jealous lover? *Be patient and endure through this difficult period. Understand how painful and difficult it is for your partner and empathize and validate his feelings. Provide reassurances of your love, but don't enable his behavior.

*Take care of yourself. Practice good stress management for emotional wellness.

*Identify ways you might be able to support your partner and show how you value him. Explore your own behavior to determine if you're reinforcing your lover's jealousies in any way.

And finally, together as a couple? *Identify if the jealousy has its roots in an underlying problem in your relationship. What's missing? Are there any unmet needs that require your attention?

*Don't make assumptions! Avoid mind-reading and always check feelings or thoughts that you may have with each other.

*This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or "relationship rules" need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped.

*Make your relationship a #1 priority! Spend lots of quality time together and engage in activities that will re-vitalize your bond and restore some of that damaged trust and intimacy.

Conclusion
Jealousy doesn't have to rule your life. Make a commitment to aggressively minimize its influence so that there will be more energy available for your own self-care and for enriching your relationship. These are the things that really matter. So squash that bugger before it has the chance to contaminate what the two of you have worked so hard to build. Convert that jealousy into passion for yourself and for your partner and before long you'll no longer heed Jealousy's evil whispers. You can do it!

*Reference: Neidig, Peter H. & Friedman, Dale H. (1984). Spouse Abuse: A Treatment Program for Couples. Champaign, IL: Research Press Company.

©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples,as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs,and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach (http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com), in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, on developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the new self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion" published in May 2005.

---

A Man Drought In Australasia - Bugger! Age is Against Me

Men wanted desperately, it's official. The increasing surplus of high... Read More

Relationship Advice: Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair

"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous... Read More

Setting Up Boundaries in Relationships

Setting up personal boundaries is important in all types of... Read More

The Big Secret of Age

Think back to when you were a child. Pick a... Read More

How Compatible Are You and Your Partner?

What are the things you argue about? Where are the... Read More

Two Kinds of Love

Love is something we all need, and want. For love,... Read More

The Three Rings of Relationships

Glenna Trout is an international authority on face reading whose... Read More

What Planet Is Your Relationship On?

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,... Read More

9 Myths About Being Single

More than 48% of US households are headed by unmarried... Read More

True Friendships - How to Get True Friends and Friendships

True Friendship - RecognitionHow can we find true friendships in... Read More

Confession of the Egoists!

Hamlet has given this generation an awfully amazing and defensive... Read More

Denial Is Not A River In Egypt

Original it ain't, but it still merits repetition: "Denial is... Read More

He Still Hasnt Popped the Question - Should You Give Him an Ultimatum?

You've been dating the man forever, and he has yet... Read More

Make Time for Your Relationship

"We don't have to wait till Valentine's Day to think... Read More

No More Lonely Weekends!

How do you react when you are faced with spending... Read More

Cutting the Cord

Sometimes, after a relationship has ended, many of us have... Read More

Women and Men: Never The Twain Shall Meet

"Dear Happy Guy,"I just don't understand men. Last night I... Read More

Blondes Talking About Blondes!

What is it about blondes that both sexes find so... Read More

The Friend Who Taught Me

Knowing her day can be dreadfully tiresome when she mounts... Read More

Finding a Life Partner

Dear Candace,I'm 35 years old and ready to open my... Read More

To Cheat or Not To Cheat

You know I am getting fed up with people who... Read More

For Soul Mates: Will you grow or stagnate? Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Some soul mate couples refuse to grow. They refuse to... Read More

Very Old Secret To Melt The Heart Of Your Beloved

My Dear Lover,Communication is one of the key ingredients for... Read More

The Male Rating System

While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed... Read More

Find Love The Zen Way

"If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do... Read More

When Groucho Marx Got It Right

Groucho Marx was, I believe, a comic genius; a linguistic... Read More

Celebrate Friendship Day with Fresh Flowers!

Send flowers this Friendship Day, Sunday, August 7th! Across the... Read More

Engaged, In Love, and In Limbo

Well, here I am very much in love and starting... Read More

Emotional Investments

It is a given truth that there are people out... Read More

Don?t Snuff Out Expressions of Liking

It is hard to express all the emotions to somebody... Read More

True Love - Part 2

Okay, so why would one person feel strongly about the... Read More

A Friend in Need

Here's the scenario: Julie, a hardworking secretary, lent money to... Read More

Like Father

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 5,... Read More