In this article I'd like to share what the research shows as being very helpful for keeping relationships strong and connected. Since 1973 Dr. John Gottman has been studying what he calls the "masters and disasters" of relationships. From these studies he has been able to predict with 90% accuracy which relationships will last, and which will fail. Dr. Gottman (1999; 2005) suggests the following tips to keep your relationship strong:
? Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for relationship problems (and keep in mind, half of all relationships that end do so in the first seven years).
? Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every angry thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
? Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a partner sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone.
? Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them," this is a guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be persuaded by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is so crucial because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.
? Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other. The most successful couples are those who refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
? Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.?"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
? Focus on the bright side. In a happy relationship, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship ("We laugh a lot") as opposed to negative ones ("We never have fun"). A good relationship must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your "emotional bank account".
If you are in a relationship where there is a climate of negativity and/or you are not feeling as close to your partner as you'd like, don't avoid the signs. Seek help early if you need to, and start to build up the positivity that may currently be missing. The key seems to be having a healthy "emotional bank account", and following these seven tips can give you a head start.
If you would like to learn more about Dr. Gottman's research, please visit his website at: http://www.gottman.com
References:
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. NY: Three Rivers Press.
http://www.gottman.com (2005)
Dr. Tanja Haley is a psychologist in private practice in Calgary, Alberta. She specializes in working with couples, and with adults dealing with stress, depression, and trauma issues. Along with a full-time private practice, Tanja also teaches for the Campus Alberta program in counselling and is an Oral Examiner for the College of Alberta Psychologists. You can contact Tanja at dr.tanja@shaw.ca, or visit her website: http://www.drtanja.com
Jealousy, unfortunately it seems to pop up sometime in even... Read More
So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily... Read More
Most think that relationships exist to make them happy. When... Read More
What do women or men want out of a relationship?... Read More
What is domestic abuse?There are many forms of domestic abuse,... Read More
One of the most commonly asked questions, What is Love?... Read More
Romance can be experienced in numerous ways, but it is... Read More
Mairi came into my life about two years ago. She... Read More
There's something about America, our history, our values or maybe... Read More
THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into this Third day... Read More
The first time I ever heard "boundaries" mentioned, it was... Read More
Okay, so why would one person feel strongly about the... Read More
1. He Only Pretends Not to Listen.He heard what you... Read More
Relationships are really what makes the world go 'round, aren't... Read More
Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a hard... Read More
"I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of... Read More
What is Love? This question has bothered me for a... Read More
Without wasting much time, here are some of the personality... Read More
All of us occasionally receive social invitations that we don't... Read More
It's been said that love is blind. It may also... Read More
Do you consider yourself unlucky in love? Have your relationships... Read More
We all heard the report of a prisoner escaping after... Read More
Interracial dating has really evolved over the past two decades... Read More
Conflict in a relationship is both normal and painful. In... Read More
As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part... Read More
Are you getting the love you deserve? Are you being... Read More
Many relationship problems often begin with poor communication. Many couples... Read More
Ask any single adult what qualities he or she wants... Read More
Once, when asked about her life, former First Lady Barbara... Read More
One of the great obstacles to maintaining a healthy relationship... Read More
When people come in for marriage counseling, they bring their... Read More
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve... Read More
Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns... Read More
If you grew up in the 80s like I did,... Read More
It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent... Read More
You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary,... Read More
Love is something we all need, and want. For love,... Read More
If your Knight in shining armor still hasn't come galloping,... Read More
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse... Read More
Many people know that the zodiac is a circle in... Read More
Have you noticed that there's an ebb and flow to... Read More
To tell you the truth, I'm a little disillusioned with... Read More
Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last... Read More
* Be in a good mood when writing a love... Read More
I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all,... Read More
"Kiss: a secret told to the mouth instead of to... Read More
There are two golden rules for choosing underwear for the... Read More
Are you dreading the holidays because you are single? For... Read More
Why is it that even though I am not positive... Read More
So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily... Read More
I will in this article cover some of my own... Read More
There are several things you can do, especially when your... Read More
Ashleigh Brillant once said""Coping with difficult people is always a... Read More
How do we make friends? More importantly if dropped into... Read More
The Relationship TriangleMost people get involved in a relationship for... Read More
A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More
Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take... Read More
>1. Who are the prime candidates to rekindle a romance?The... Read More
Falling in love?aaahh what a wonderful experience the first flushes... Read More
"Hesh, where is your business plan?" It was a question... Read More
An All Too Familiar TaleShe takes her teaching responsibilities seriously;... Read More
In the last couple of weeks, the catholic war machine... Read More
If you have ever read teen magazines you will be... Read More
Whether you've been in a relationship for a long time,... Read More
Many cultures have customary kissing etiquettes. The French for instance... Read More
The essential problem in any bad relationship is a breakdown... Read More
Relationship |