Discerning The Loving Heart

How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone ? a friend or a potential partner ? who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time?

I have discovered in my 35 years of counseling that people seem to decide very early in their lives whether or not they want to care about and have compassion for others' feelings. As a result, people have different levels of the willingness to feel others' feelings. Some of us deeply feel others' pain and joy, while other people don't. Some people can recall caring about others' pain and joy from a very young age, while other people remember being concerned mostly with their own feelings and needs.

The people who have chosen the deeper level of compassion are often the ones that become the caretakers, while the less compassionate people become the takers. Caretakers are people who have learned to take responsibility for others' feelings and well-being, while takers are people who expect others to take responsibility for their feelings and well-being and often blame others when they don't take on this responsibility.

If you are a compassionate person who easily feels others' feelings, you might find yourself drawn to people who are in pain. Your compassionate heart naturally wants to help those people who are in pain, not only out of caring, but also because their pain is painful to you. The problem is that this person might not care about your feelings as much as you care about his or hers.

So, how do you become discerning of who has a loving, caring and compassionate heart? The first step is to focus on developing as much compassion for your own feelings as you have for others. Often, very caring people leave themselves out, caring about others far more than they care about themselves. This leaves them vulnerable to becoming the caretaker for someone who just wants someone else to take care of them, and then gets angry when you don't do it "right." If you develop compassion for yourself, you will start to feel much more quickly when someone is not really caring about you. If you are just focused on another's feelings, you won't notice what you feel, and it is your own feelings that allow you to discern caring from a lack of caring.

The next step is to understand and accept that, no matter how caring you are to others, you have no control over how caring others are with you. You can't make someone be caring, and the more you take care of another's feelings and well-being while ignoring your own, the less caring the other will be. The other person becomes a mirror for your lack of caring about yourself.

The more you learn to take full, 100% responsibility for your own feelings, the more another's lack of caring will be intolerable to you. The more you are able to stay tuned into yourself and trust your own perceptions, the quicker you will discern a lack of caring in others. The more you accept your lack of control over getting others to be caring, the quicker you will let go of people who are intent on getting caring but not much concerned with giving it.

It really doesn't take long to discern the loving heart once you have compassion for yourself, trust your perceptions, and accept your lack of control over others. People betray their intention to either give love or to get it, or to give to get, with everything they say and do. With practice, you can learn to discern the loving heart very early in a relationship. If you want to stop recreating the same relationships over and over, then develop your power of discernment.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Relationship Conflict: The 3 Cs of Resolving Conflict

"And they lived happily ever after.........."Yeah right.Perhaps I'm a little... Read More

Women Are Not Aliens

One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More

He Still Hasnt Popped the Question - Should You Give Him an Ultimatum?

You've been dating the man forever, and he has yet... Read More

Romantic Tips - Keeping Romance Alive

You've been in a relationship for quite some time and... Read More

What Does It Really Mean When You Pass or Fail A Relationship Quiz?

Q. It seems that no matter what magazine I am... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: Dont Be a Darren Stevens

Q: I can't believe I'm asking this question, because I... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Prevent a Break Up

The question I am asked most often is: I think... Read More

Passion or Purpose?

I hate moderation. I hate doing things moderately. I hate... Read More

Do Men Just Want Mommy?

Accomplished women are losers in romance claims NY Times columnist... Read More

Relationship Advice: How to Ignore Your Spouse or Partner

Marriage can be one of the quickest and most effective... Read More

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Dear Candace,My fiancé and I just broke up, and I... Read More

Playful, Innocent Phone Sex

So you're sitting there on the phone, trying to talk... Read More

Are Men and Women Really from Different Planets?

Are men really from Mars, and women from Venus?'what women... Read More

How to Get Over a Breakup

This is one of the most difficult parts of a... Read More

Name That Tune

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 26,... Read More

How to Spot a Cheater

Is your man the cheating type? Here are some clues... Read More

Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge

Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Tips for a Blissful Relationship

1.Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is... Read More

Relationship Advice: Who Are You and What Have You Done with My Spouse?

"When we marry, we don't marry one person, we marry... Read More

Dinner Scooped Off the Floor - Why Men Wont Commit

"We strengthen a muscle by using it, and that is... Read More

Has The Magic Gone From Your Relationship?

Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now.... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Few Observations on Marriage and Relationships

Here are a few observations on marriage and relationships.Information ExplosionJust... Read More

Catch A Cheating Husband the Easy Affordable Way

Many women mistakenly believe they need to hire a private... Read More

Relationship Advice: 2 Beliefs for a Successful Relationship

Mark Twain once saidGod's great cosmic joke on the human... Read More

10 Free Romantic Gifts

Being in love does not mean that you should turn... Read More

The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking & Loving Y.O.U.

"Know Thyself" PlatoIsn't it curious how just about everything in... Read More

Everything I Know About Relationship Success I Learned At The Playground

It happened again!I was enjoying an evening with my little... Read More

Parasitic Relationship

Something in my life is weighing heavily on my mind,... Read More

When Someone You Love is Moving

Your best friend moves a thousand miles, your aunt retires... Read More

Russian Brides - Who Are They?

In recent years, thousands of young Russian and Ukrainian women... Read More

Building the Bond in Your Relationship

A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a... Read More

What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Romance

Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More

Do You Love Reading The Daily Horoscopes, Part I

Have you ever wondered why you feel an instant attraction... Read More