Great Relationship Advice: How to Get ?All A?s? in Couples Communication

Mark Twain once said that he believed it was "God's great cosmic joke on humanity when He required men and women to live together in marriage."

When it comes to couples trying to communicate with each other, I believe old Mr. Clements was right on target.

Every day in my office, I watch men and women trying to talk with each other. While from my chair I can understand what each person is trying to say, often times the couple will look like "2 ships passing in the night" in their attempts to understand each other. And then I go home and do the same thing in my own little at-home laboratory.

So let's look at how to go from flunking to getting all A's in couples communication. The four courses (or A's) are: Assumption-Asking-Assimilation-Action.

Assumption

We have all heard the saying that to assume means to make an "ass out of u and me." Did you also know that "assumption is the lowest form of knowledge?"

And still we do it every day with our partners. It happens in at least two ways:

1."Since I know what I like and need, I'll give the same thing to my partner"

. "If my partner really loved me, they would 'just know' what I want and need"

It's one of the main ways we flunk couple communication.

Asking

Let's blow a popular couples myth out of the water right now. You know, the one that goes "it doesn't count if I have to ask." If that's true, then just how are we going to find out? I work with the minds of people all day long, but I still can't read them. Instead, I just ask lots of questions.

Here's a few that I recommend to discover how your partner sees and experiences the world:

"here's what I think you mean. Do I have it right?" "in order to feel the most loved, do you need to see it, feel it, or hear it?" "what does love look like to you" "what do you think is romantic?"

If you don't know, ask. You have to A-S-K to G-E-T.

Assimilation

For our purposes, assimilation means to take the information you asked for and received and make it a part of your "working knowledge" of your partner. Using a computer metaphor, you need to install the information you have learned in your own brain.

Many folks get in trouble when they ask their partner for information, forget to install it, and then have to ask again and again. Whether intended or not, this sends the message that you were not really listening or interested, and/or that you don't really care. Yet another popular method of flunking couples communication.

Action!

I realize this may sound too simple, but once you install this stuff you have got to use it. Knowing what to do and doing it are not the same, they are very different.

Understanding is a good thing. We all like to be understood. But if it stops there, it stops too short of what's needed.

To get an A in this last part of couples communication, you have to put your understanding into action, what I call putting "hands and feet" on what you know.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

The Top 10 Ways to Keep Passion in Your Relationship

All long-term relationships go through a variety of phases. There... Read More

Warning Signs He / She May Not Be The One

We've all looked back on past relationships and said, "What... Read More

Great Relationships: 4 Big Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

Relationship Mistake No. 1 - Partner BashingBashing the one you... Read More

8 Reasons Why Your Man Isn?t More Romantic On Valentine?s Day

What is supposed to be the most romantic day of... Read More

Aromatherapy : A Scent Away for Great Relationships

Is it possible that a scent can make you more... Read More

Long Distance Relationships - How to Make it Work

Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: Dont Be a Darren Stevens

Q: I can't believe I'm asking this question, because I... Read More

Say, Whats On Your Mind, Partner?

Stan is an incurable romantic. Ever since he started courting... Read More

Passion or Purpose?

I hate moderation. I hate doing things moderately. I hate... Read More

7 Things You Must Know About Women

Most men find women mysterious and confusing. You find us... Read More

Men and Relationships

Ever since the women's movement began, women have empowered themselves... Read More

Trust Starts with You

"I have a hard time trusting people.""I never feel like... Read More

True Love - Part 1

True Love! We all dream of being in love with... Read More

Communicate through Body-language!

Consider a person very important to you. He or she... Read More

The Three Rings of Relationships

Glenna Trout is an international authority on face reading whose... Read More

Relationship Problems: Whats Your Contribution?

As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More

Is Your Mate Cheating?

You've been together several months, but something doesn't feel quite... Read More

Lobster - The Food Of Romantics

Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes... Read More

Rediscovering Love and Intimacy

Wendy started counseling with me because Terence, her husband of... Read More

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes--Celebrity Romance

Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a hard... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Few Observations on Marriage and Relationships

Here are a few observations on marriage and relationships.Information ExplosionJust... Read More

7 Unfailing Laws of Happy Relationships

Most think that relationships exist to make them happy. When... Read More

Tune Up Your Relationship

Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart?... Read More

Jewish Dating: It Pays to Date Other Like-Minded People

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's... Read More

Importance Of Background In A Relationship

Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More

Love is Not Supposed to Hurt

Questions and Answers:I often feel sad in my relationship, what... Read More

Do You Love Reading The Daily Horoscopes Part II

How many time have you felt an instant attraction to... Read More

Learning to Trust Again

Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a... Read More

Noon (A Love Story)

Noon (A Short Love story, dedicated to my wife Rosa)Marina,... Read More

How to Choose Your Life Partner?

You have reached the age where you can start thinking... Read More

Ulterior Motive

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7,... Read More

Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 3 - The Jealousy Syndrome

Jealousy, unfortunately it seems to pop up sometime in even... Read More

Soul Mate Myths

But the cold truth is that most people have never... Read More