The Grammar of Good Communication

No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor is it a discourse on the finer points of rhetoric!

There are some practical points which can make a powerful difference in the efficacy of your communication -- whether on the job, with your spouse or when you are among friends.

What is "good communication?" Much of what passes for conversation is a play with two performers, each impatiently waiting for the other to finish so they can declaim the lines they've been preparing as the other is talking.

Good communication is using words to express meaning -- clearly, efficiently and without ambiguity. This is most important in the communication which takes place between two people who want to make themselves understood in order to have a useful exchange of significant information about themselves or their relationship.

This information is likely to have an emotional component, and may be a complex mixture of fact and feeling. This is typically the language of relationship, though in reality many relationships are rather devoid of this level of communication.

I read a research study long ago which looked at the quantity and quality of communication between spouses with children. The overall amount of communication between spouses was surprisingly small (twenty minutes a day, or thereabouts); of that some eighty to ninety percent was spent talking about the children, the day's schedule, plans to be made, or tasks to be done. Only some ten to twenty percent (of the twenty minutes!) was "relationship talk" between the spouses, where they shared feelings or meaningful dialogue about the nature of their relationship.

The need for more quality communication within marriages is the subject of another piece. Here I wish to make some structural or grammatical suggestions which can greatly enhance the efficiency and accuracy of complex communication.

It is important to make "I statements" -- sentences which begin with the word "I". "I feel tired today;" I am upset about X;" "I would like to go out to dinner tonight,". A common colloquialism in America is to say something like "You feel mad when someone cuts you off in traffic," when the meaning intended is "I feel mad when someone cuts me off...".

Attention to this simple structural detail of communication will greatly add to clarity and increased understanding. Too much important communication is muddied with vague or imprecise language. Of course, sometimes it feels safer to hide behind ambiguities or vagueness than to say what is really felt.

The little word "but" is very important -- it subtly but firmly negates all that has gone before. "You look nice in that dress, but...". That word signals the listener to pay particular attention to what follows, because there is the real point of the message! "I like you a lot, but..." In emotional or relationship communication, "but" is a slippery character. It allows the speaker to say all the right things in the first part of the sentence, and then slip the verbal knife between the ribs with the "but."

"Never" and "always" are likewise tricky words -- and rarely accurate. Communication which includes statements like "You always..." or "I never..." are likely to generate more heat than light. Life is rarely so simple that something is always or never the case.

In everyday speech, we often confuse feeling and thought. "I feel that the world would be a better place if..." is not a statement of feeling (emotion), but a thought or cognition. Relationships between people are based upon emotion; we are constantly listening for the subtle cues in conversation to see where we stand, or how our friend/spouse/lover is feeling towards us at this moment. Clarity in labelling emotions and thoughts helps the listener know how to receive the message.

Precise communication which captures the richness and nuance of emotion as well as thought is learned behavior. None of us is born knowing how to communicate clearly. It is possible to improve relationships by improving communication. Simple, direct, clear and unambiguous communication with those persons who are most significant is a skill well worth learning.

David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-Help Books, http://www.Books4SelfHelp.com and co-author of Self-Help Central, an ezine to help you build a better life with self-help resources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. His professional website is http://www.DavidYarian.com.

---

He Said, She Heard: Communication Meltdown within Relationship

It starts young, as babies. We learn communication from our... Read More

Playful, Innocent Phone Sex

So you're sitting there on the phone, trying to talk... Read More

Got a Girlfriend? Heres How Not to Screw It Up

Having a girlfriend can be a dangerous thing. We become... Read More

Relationhip Advice: 10 Magic Words

Just about every night at our house, we read a... Read More

The Informal Normal In a Black-Tie-Affair World

Have you noticed the trend?You ever notice how on programs... Read More

To Love Forever

Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives... Read More

Did Casanova Really Need the Oysters?

Scientists are rubbing their hands together with glee. A recent... Read More

Get Lucky In Your Love Life

Whether you are single or married, we all need luck... Read More

Love and Life Lessons

Recent events in my life have taught me that the... Read More

What You Should Know About Domestic Abuse

What is domestic abuse?There are many forms of domestic abuse,... Read More

Victorias Secret Disclosed!

SHHHHHH, don't tell anybody, but, I know the secret.It all... Read More

Very Old Secret To Melt The Heart Of Your Beloved

My Dear Lover,Communication is one of the key ingredients for... Read More

The Freedom to Fall

So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily... Read More

The Sting of Infidelity Isnt that Bad! Right? Is it?

1. Sleepless nights are part of a victims' experience... Read More

The Male Rating System

While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed... Read More

Two Kinds of Love

Love is something we all need, and want. For love,... Read More

Relationship Advice: Words Can Hurt or Heal

"Stick and stones, may break my bones, but words will... Read More

Three Qualities of a Good Relationship

All relationships have some adjustment periods, but being hurt shouldn't... Read More

What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Romance

Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More

The Sponge Pattern

Relationships. They're complicated, right? At least that's what we've been... Read More

Ounce of Prevention

"To love, honour and cherish", easy words to say during... Read More

The Tablet of Venus

In the 17th century, divination devices called The Tablets of... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More

But Its Just the Guys -- The Importance of Sacrifice in Relationships

If it's a long-term relationship you want, you absolutely must... Read More

Fight, Flight, or Loving Action

Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When... Read More

Did He Think of Me?

As a betrayed partner this was one of the first... Read More

What Men Want From Women

Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every... Read More

Emotional Investments

It is a given truth that there are people out... Read More

How To Give Women What They Want and Need?The Forgotten Method of Wooing

Remember When?When you were in elementary school, high school, and... Read More

Everything I Know About Relationship Success I Learned At The Playground

It happened again!I was enjoying an evening with my little... Read More

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? - How to fine tune your relationship radar

I don't think a week goes by that I don't... Read More

Do You Love Reading The Daily Horoscopes Part II

How many time have you felt an instant attraction to... Read More

Boston Lawyers, DC Lawyers and Individual Rights

Looks like everyone wants to sue someone right? Well, I... Read More