Calming the Storm In Your Relationship

Introduction

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with their own sets of needs, values, personality traits, and life histories/experiences and you have a fertile ground for potential differences to cause clashes. This is normal and a necessary precursor for growth in your relationship with your boyfriend or partner. Anger is a common emotion that emerges during conflict. While conflict and anger are normal aspects of building and maintaining a relationship with someone, there are right and wrong ways to manage them. This article will address some ways to defuse anger in your disagreements with your lover to ensure a more positive environment to go about negotiating your differences.

Anger Management 101

It's important to realize that when two people are angry with each other, very little of productive significance will come from these interactions because emotions are high and listening skills tend to be overshadowed by defensiveness. Though cliché, the statement "Anger is ok, it's what you do with it that counts" is very pertinent here. During conflicts with your partner, you are ultimately responsible for your own feelings and anger. Your partner does not make you angry; you choose how you are going to react, regardless of the contributing factors. The goal is to create an atmosphere where you and your boyfriend can have a constructive communication session free of volatile emotions and where you each can feel heard equally.

No More Drama

One of the most effective ways to defuse an angry situation is to call a Time-Out. In much the same way that children are disciplined with Time-Outs to calm down and regain behavioral control, we adults also benefit from this type of cool-down period as well. The strategy issimple, but only works if you and your partner agree to its execution beforehand and follow through with it to completion.

Whenever you feel your anger flare-up to the point where you are unable to be attentive to your partner or be fully present, announce your need for a Time-Out. Before leaving, schedule a time that you and he can reconvene to address your issues then. Reactivity can damage relationships, and by postponing your response until after you've had a chance to regroup and center yourself, you're increasing your chances for being able to communicate more effectively. You're also not avoiding the problem, just delaying it until both of you can more readily attend to the issue at hand. It's also important not to follow each other once a Time-Out has been called because this defeats the purpose; respect your partner's need for space and feel reassured in the knowledge that you will discuss your issues at a later time. In essence, when you call a Time-Out, you are really saying to your lover, "I care enough about you and our relationship to discuss this issue at a later time when I'm able to really listen to you and hear your needs and concerns. My anger right now interferes with that ability." This communication technique, which is commonly taught in couple's therapy, works best when applied consistently.

More Anger Coping Tips

1. Identify your personal triggers to anger.Pay close attention to the body signals you receive that alert you to anger arousal, the situations that upset you to help highlight patterns, and the thoughts you have that fuel anger and emotional upset.

2. Practice relaxation techniques (deep breathing, visualization, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, etc.) and don't forget the importance of regular exercise in managing stress.

3. Distraction techniques can be helpful during your Time-Out, such asjournaling, reading a book, listening to music, playing video games, talking to a friend, taking a hot bath, going for a walk, etc. Do something self-soothing.

4. Develop affirmations and positive self-talk to help coach yourself through difficult anger-producing situations.

5. Try writing your partner a letter before you have your talk to discharge negative emotion and perhaps develop a better perspective on the situation that upset you. Destroy the letter when finished.

6. Get in the habit of expressing your needs and feelings directly and assertively in as close to the moment as you can. Stuffing feelings only leads to a stockpiling effect of "unfinished business"; this, in turn, creates hidden resentments and can take a toll on your health and relationship.

Conclusion

Anger and conflict are a natural part of any relationship and must be handled carefully to protect the trust and intimacy of your partnership. The important thing to remember is to avoid reactivity and to stop and think before acting to help cultivate a more responsible and focused dialogue with your partner. Anger is commonlythe result of an unmet need, a perceived threat, or a symptom of depression, among other things. Trying to uncover its origins first, avoiding placing blame, and viewing your disagreement as an opportunity to work together as a team in creating a win/win solution to your challenges will go a long way in helping you to accomplish your relationship goals.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!

Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private relationship coaching practice in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, toward developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources, and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the 2005 self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion."

---

Hey There, Whats Your Money Personality?

Guys who come up to women in bars and ask:... Read More

When Attracting Sexy Women, Remember... Time And Circumstance Change Everything

Many guys are just too intimidated and full of anxiety... Read More

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 4

Finally, after all of the hard work you have done... Read More

Players: How to Deal with Them

Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More

The First Ninety Days

A friend of mine recently commented on the amazing number... Read More

What Men Want From Women

Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every... Read More

To Love Forever

Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives... Read More

Great Relationships: 4 Big Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

Relationship Mistake No. 1 - Partner BashingBashing the one you... Read More

Romance Matters

You are never too old and it is never too... Read More

When Are You Ready to Move onto a New Relationship?

Breakups can be painful and difficult on so many difficult... Read More

Honesty Accepted - Deception Denied

We've all done it at one time or another, or... Read More

He Said, She Said

The Relationship TriangleMost people get involved in a relationship for... Read More

Hold Em or Fold Em?

Like a great game of poker, knowing when to "Hold... Read More

Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge

Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse... Read More

Cheating Wives and Cheating Husbands Give Different Reasons for Having Extramarital Affairs

Infidelity studies indicate that the percentage of cheating wives is... Read More

7 Myths About Good Guys

It is every woman's dream to meet a "Good Guy"... Read More

How to Increase Romance with Humor

Ask any single adult what qualities he or she wants... Read More

How We Define Our Relationships?

We can fall into the habit of complaining about our... Read More

A Womans World

Women are simply wonderful don't you think? This question is... Read More

Friendship - A Relation of Choice!

IntroductionHave you ever heard or have you ever seen, father-son;... Read More

Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know

1. Sticks and stones won't break my bones" ? and... Read More

3 Principals That Will Keep a Long Lasting Relationship

Many of us have had a broken heart and hurt... Read More

Setting Up Boundaries in Relationships

Setting up personal boundaries is important in all types of... Read More

The 7 Stages of a Romantic Relationship

There are seven stages in a romantic relationship: avoidance, meeting,... Read More

Learning to Trust Again

Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a... Read More

Top Ten List of What to Do and What Not to Do in Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone... Read More

The Key to Ending Pain With Others

It has taken me 40 years to learn exactly how... Read More

Long Distance Relationships - How to Make it Work

Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm... Read More

Are You My Soul Mate?

I'm always dumbfounded when someone walks up to me and... Read More

Relationship Your Way To A Successful and Fulfilling Life

What is a relationship? What does a relationship mean? There... Read More

For Soul Mates: Will you grow or stagnate? Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Some soul mate couples refuse to grow. They refuse to... Read More

Beware of Becoming a Professional Online Dater

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people find their "perfect... Read More

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part I)

When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many... Read More