"The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions."
Q: My wife and I are both on our second marriage. We feel like we are both losing some of our excitement and love for each other, just like is our first marriages. We feel like we are stuck in a rut. What can we do to get out of this rut?
A: You've not only asked an excellent question, it's even been asked in song.
In "Make Love Stay" Dan Fogelberg asks,
"Now that we've loved,
Now that the lonely nights are over
How do we make love stay?"
New relationships
New relationships are exciting. The thrill of falling in love and discovering new things about each other is simply a lot of fun.
After the honeymoon stage of a relationship has passed, we move into the "making it work" stage of the relationship. Sometimes the making it work stage is just not as much fun as the honeymoon stage. This is where the work part of making it work comes in.
One of the dangers of the making it work stage is to fall into what I call relationship ruts. A relationship rut is when as a couple you begin to feel as if you are stuck, sort of going through the motions and not getting anywhere.
This is the point that some relationships die, because the only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.
Let's take a look at some of the signs of relationship ruts and what not to do, and then what to do to get out of the rut and keep the spark alive.
Signs of Relationship Ruts
One sure sign and conclusive evidence of a relationship rut is if the following conversation sounds familiar -
"What do want to do tonight?" "I don't know, whatever you want to do." "I don't know what I want to do, whatever you want to do is fine." "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't know, where do you want to eat?" ETC - ETC - ETC - yuck!
Other signs of relationship ruts include;
- Doing the same thing over over again and it not being enjoyable
- Having the same conversation over and over again
- Having that strange sense of "relationship deja vu" - we've been here before.
- Arguing and bickering just for something to do
What Not To Do
We all try to solve the problem of relationship ruts in our own way. Here are some solutions that I've seen couples try that are worth avoiding;
- Keep doing the same things over and over and expect different results
- Blame your partner or accuse them of being boring
- Convince yourself that life would be much more fun with someone else
- Make major changes just for the sake of change. For example, move (just a geographical cure) or have a child.
What To Do
Having said all that, here are a few suggestions for breaking out of relationship ruts;
- Begin by remembering what is was that first attracted you to this person in the first place. You may have forgotten some things and may be surprised by what you remember
- Do something "safely out of character." In the song "Dirt Gets Under The Fingernails" by Harry Chapin, the prim, proper and neat wife goes out and buys art supplies and makes a mess while the always dirty mechanic husband gets a shave, hair cut, manicure and new clothes. Surprise each other.
- Do some of the things you may have enjoyed as a child: buy a coloring book, some play dough, put on some roller skates, etc.
- Use your creativity! One way to do this would be to brainstorm all the crazy, absurd, and ridiculous ideas you can think of, that you would never do. Then go back over your list and see if there are the seeds for some useful creative solutions.
- Make a list of all the things you like to do for fun. Then pick one you that you may not have in a very long time.
As the songwriter says, making love stay can be one of the more difficult tasks in relationships. Avoiding and/or getting out of relationships ruts can go a long way to keeping the spark alive.
For f'ree weekly tips and tools for growing your relationship and keeping it strong, subscribe to Jeff Herring's online newsletter "Great Relationships Tips of the Week" at http://www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com AND receive a special report on "10 Things to Consider Before Your Next Relationship Argument.
We hear about it all the time - in magazines,... Read More
I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More
BackgroundSeduction is a subtle tool used with the ultimate goal... Read More
Guys, I know the struggle, you want to give her... Read More
Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You... Read More
One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More
We can fall into the habit of complaining about our... Read More
"I just let him handle things his way." "We're not... Read More
Striking a perfect balance between work and home today can... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 19,... Read More
Subtitle ? A Troll? What the **** is that and... Read More
Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis... Read More
In the 17th century, divination devices called The Tablets of... Read More
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard... Read More
When you are dating you try to keep from a... Read More
It's very easy to look, from the outside, at another... Read More
I'm going to get straight to the point. If you... Read More
Remember the Tom Cruise movie "Jerry Maguire?"From my seat in... Read More
Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More
Questions and Answers from Divine Source Through Barbara Rose1. What... Read More
Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More
According to new studies 5 out of 10 marriages will... Read More
You know the scenario. You start dating a woman. After... Read More
It's not working. Your relationship with your partner is not... Read More
Online infidelity is more prevalent than you think. This includes... Read More
What is the basic difference between loving someone and being... Read More
Sometimes the people who are the closest to us, our... Read More
Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families says... Read More
Now you may ask why we would write an article... Read More
So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily... Read More
Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take... Read More
While this may not apply to everyone, you may find... Read More
Remember that big hug she gave you when you got... Read More
Let me address this issue of eternity, this promise many... Read More
Picture, if you will, the following scene:A man and woman,... Read More
I will in this article cover some of my own... Read More
History doesn't belong in a relationship that is presentMy friend,... Read More
One of the oldest character flaws in humans is their... Read More
Dear Lucia,I know I made a stupid mistake but what... Read More
Joke from a Woman to another Woman "Some husbands are... Read More
Where on earth is my "play on words" taking me... Read More
The notion that there can be a technology of relationships... Read More
Mark Twain once saidGod's great cosmic joke on the human... Read More
There are no better rings to seal your engagement than... Read More
One thing to keep in mind when seeking relationship advice... Read More
RELATIONAL SUCCESS...Loving in the good times -- and the not-so-good... Read More
1. He Only Pretends Not to Listen.He heard what you... Read More
There are several things you can do, especially when your... Read More
Do you remember when, as a small child at a... Read More
Having a penpal can be fun; bringing diversity into your... Read More
In the springtime, with the flowers budding and the birds... Read More
A husband and wife were doing a little redecorating and... Read More
Whether you've been in a relationship for a long time,... Read More
Are single black women too independent? Too sure of themselves,... Read More
There are few desires (if any) stronger than the deep... Read More
Whether you caught him in bed with the local bimbo,... Read More
What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but... Read More
We have all heard the wonderfully romantic stories of pen... Read More
Q. There has to be some way around the continuing... Read More
Body Language can tell you a lot about what is... Read More
So often when we think of our ideal mate we... Read More
It is surprising how many writers, psychologists, or scientists have... Read More
"You can't hold on to a dime. Do you own... Read More
When starting a new relationship, we usually adopt a subconscious... Read More
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,... Read More
Is your man the cheating type? Here are some clues... Read More
Relationship |