Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 5, 2004
I was married for 21 years to a man who enjoyed strip clubs, drinking, and his buddies. These things became important to him after we married, and part of his job as an undercover cop. He often brought home pictures of himself with strippers to show me.
Throughout our marriage I took care of our two children, the household, and worked full-time without a contribution from him beside his paycheck. I tried to talk to him because we never spent time together, he did not support me as a wife and mother, and I needed more from him as his wife.
Things did not improve. They continued to deteriorate . Our marriage relationship ceased to exist. Months before I left him, I tried to talk one more time and told him, "If this is all there is, I don't want any more." All he said was, "Stop crying and come to bed."
Seven years ago, when our children were 20 and 17, I left him. I felt they were old enough now. They would better understand that we did not love each other and I stayed because of them. I was also tired of being verbally abused on a regular basis by my son.
My children could not understand my feelings. I was and still am seen as the villain for destroying their "family." Even though I was on my own at the time, my ex-husband told my children he caught me in bed with someone, which was very destructive of my relationship with my children. He also told them that my best friend and I were lesbians.
Neither story was true. To this day my son thinks I was unfaithful to his father and keeps inferring that is why I left and that his father had no fault in the divorce.
I eventually met a wonderful man, and we have been happily married for two years. I love him more than anything, and he loves and respects me like I've never been.
Rachael
Rachael, Harry Chapin's song "Cat's in the Cradle" is about a son who follows his father's not-very-good example. One day, after the father talks on the phone with his son, the older man has a realization. He says, "As I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he'd grown up just like me. Yeah, my boy was just like me."
So you stayed for the children, and you wound up with a son like your husband. All blanket rules have exceptions, and the exception to "stay for the sake of the children" occurs when the other parent's example is a detriment to the child.
As a police officer, your former husband knows better than to destroy a mother's image in the eyes of her children. His lies reveal everything about who he is as a person. Unfortunately, staying bolstered your ex-husband's assertions. How bad a husband could he be if you stayed so long? That's his argument.
Your son's perceptions have been twisted by his father. He may be trying to win his dad's praise by torturing you, or he may be manipulating you into trying to win his love. Or perhaps he is simply acting out of defensiveness. He may think, if mom stayed with someone who abused her because of me, that makes me complicit. I'd rather believe dad's story.
When we do something we believe is wrong for the benefit of others, we cannot expect things to turn out well. A mother teaches a girl what kind of woman to be and what kind of wife to be. A father teaches a boy what kind of man to be and what kind of husband to be.
In Harry Chapin's tune, the son says, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad. You know I'm gonna be like you." That can have wonderful results or disastrous results depending on who we are as parents.
Wayne & Tamara
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|


It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent... Read More
It is hard to express all the emotions to somebody... Read More
There are three kinds of love:love as a feeling, love... Read More
The notion that there can be a technology of relationships... Read More
What would I do without my wife? Not much. What... Read More
Introduction"It just hit me out of the blue when Mike... Read More
To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More
Q: Could you help us settle a growing conflict in... Read More
Stan is an incurable romantic. Ever since he started courting... Read More
Men and women can't really be just friends, can they?... Read More
Here's the scenario: Julie, a hardworking secretary, lent money to... Read More
One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More
Have you ever wondered why you feel an instant attraction... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 5,... Read More
Do you want to find the "love of your life?"It's... Read More
While doing my search for this idea, I came across... Read More
It is possible for women to steer clear of an... Read More
SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to... Read More
Songs have been saying it for generations together. Ask anyone... Read More
Conflict in a relationship is both normal and painful. In... Read More
It's important for you to take care of yourself before... Read More
Remember that big hug she gave you when you got... Read More
Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's... Read More
One of the oldest character flaws in humans is their... Read More
I'd like to shed some light on something that women... Read More
"To love, honour and cherish", easy words to say during... Read More
Every now and then I hear a "relationship expert" say... Read More
Just about every night at our house, we read a... Read More
Among Dan Brown's many accomplishments is bringing the cilice belt... Read More
Every person that thinks something is amiss in their relationship... Read More
Most people do not understand the nature of cheating within... Read More
Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More
1. CommitmentTrue commitment means much more than simply committing to... Read More


There are several things you can do, especially when your... Read More
Who Is Some Who Loves You?1. Someone who sees the... Read More
I want to share with you information that the Russian... Read More
What is Love? This question has bothered me for a... Read More
Good communication is of fundamental importance in intimate relationships. The... Read More
Visit the dating sites.If finding love online is what you're... Read More
A man and woman were trying to move a couch... Read More
Do you know what the definition of love is? This... Read More
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard... Read More
Among Dan Brown's many accomplishments is bringing the cilice belt... Read More
Dear Lucia,I know I made a stupid mistake but what... Read More
It's been a few months since the riveting headlines: The... Read More
One day a telegram arrived at a man's door. When... Read More
Deep down, we haven't evolved as much as we would... Read More
BackgroundSeduction is a subtle tool used with the ultimate goal... Read More
Q. It's been over a year since the guy I... Read More
Eventually, we'll all either play or be played. I'd like... Read More
Very few people would argue with the fact that creating... Read More
Coping with a new culture has never been the easiest... Read More
It is every woman's dream to meet a "Good Guy"... Read More
Couples in love may often find themselves having to live... Read More
This is a question that comes up a lot. It's... Read More
Q: I can't believe I'm asking this question, because I... Read More
Many males complain that they don't understand females. Many females... Read More
Every person that thinks something is amiss in their relationship... Read More
Liar, Liar! Pants On Fire!Today, you'll learn about 2 yellow-flag... Read More
Advertising for St. Valentine's Day seemed more relentless than ever... Read More
We all enter relationships hoping they will make us happy.... Read More
Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More
If you're asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you... Read More
Something in my life is weighing heavily on my mind,... Read More
Have you ever felt that relationships are messy? These messes,... Read More
That lover's holiday we know as Valentine's Day is coming... Read More
Relationship |