Like Father

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 5, 2004

I was married for 21 years to a man who enjoyed strip clubs, drinking, and his buddies. These things became important to him after we married, and part of his job as an undercover cop. He often brought home pictures of himself with strippers to show me.

Throughout our marriage I took care of our two children, the household, and worked full-time without a contribution from him beside his paycheck. I tried to talk to him because we never spent time together, he did not support me as a wife and mother, and I needed more from him as his wife.

Things did not improve. They continued to deteriorate . Our marriage relationship ceased to exist. Months before I left him, I tried to talk one more time and told him, "If this is all there is, I don't want any more." All he said was, "Stop crying and come to bed."

Seven years ago, when our children were 20 and 17, I left him. I felt they were old enough now. They would better understand that we did not love each other and I stayed because of them. I was also tired of being verbally abused on a regular basis by my son.

My children could not understand my feelings. I was and still am seen as the villain for destroying their "family." Even though I was on my own at the time, my ex-husband told my children he caught me in bed with someone, which was very destructive of my relationship with my children. He also told them that my best friend and I were lesbians.

Neither story was true. To this day my son thinks I was unfaithful to his father and keeps inferring that is why I left and that his father had no fault in the divorce.

I eventually met a wonderful man, and we have been happily married for two years. I love him more than anything, and he loves and respects me like I've never been.

Rachael

Rachael, Harry Chapin's song "Cat's in the Cradle" is about a son who follows his father's not-very-good example. One day, after the father talks on the phone with his son, the older man has a realization. He says, "As I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he'd grown up just like me. Yeah, my boy was just like me."

So you stayed for the children, and you wound up with a son like your husband. All blanket rules have exceptions, and the exception to "stay for the sake of the children" occurs when the other parent's example is a detriment to the child.

As a police officer, your former husband knows better than to destroy a mother's image in the eyes of her children. His lies reveal everything about who he is as a person. Unfortunately, staying bolstered your ex-husband's assertions. How bad a husband could he be if you stayed so long? That's his argument.

Your son's perceptions have been twisted by his father. He may be trying to win his dad's praise by torturing you, or he may be manipulating you into trying to win his love. Or perhaps he is simply acting out of defensiveness. He may think, if mom stayed with someone who abused her because of me, that makes me complicit. I'd rather believe dad's story.

When we do something we believe is wrong for the benefit of others, we cannot expect things to turn out well. A mother teaches a girl what kind of woman to be and what kind of wife to be. A father teaches a boy what kind of man to be and what kind of husband to be.

In Harry Chapin's tune, the son says, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad. You know I'm gonna be like you." That can have wonderful results or disastrous results depending on who we are as parents.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

---

Men and Relationships

Ever since the women's movement began, women have empowered themselves... Read More

The Battle of the Sexes!

During my personal experiences with some of my relationships, I... Read More

To Hold or to Set One Free!

Hope you all are doing well and enjoying great health.... Read More

Creative Visualizations for Love

To manifest love through creative visualization, you first need to... Read More

What You Should Know About Domestic Abuse

What is domestic abuse?There are many forms of domestic abuse,... Read More

How to Increase Romance with Humor

Ask any single adult what qualities he or she wants... Read More

Easy Ways to Turn Any Evening Romantic

If you don't have the time, money or energy to... Read More

Are You A Hopium Addict?

Are You A 'Hopium Addict?'If the question alone was enough... Read More

Gay Breakups: When the Rainbow Ends

Introduction"It just hit me out of the blue when Mike... Read More

Is Your Negative Thinking Scaring Off Your Soul Mates?

Francine Bonnecelli* swore off relationships the day her husband of... Read More

The Male Rating System

While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed... Read More

Relationship Advice - How to Get Out and Stay Out of Relationships Ruts

"The only difference between a rut and a grave are... Read More

Your Beloved Soldier Is Coming Home ? Now What?

Your Beloved Soldier Is Coming Home ? Now What?Laura anxiously... Read More

Your Next Argument: 10 Thngs to Consider Before You Get There

1. It's addictive. Fighting, and the anger that comes with... Read More

Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1

IntroductionMany gay men in both short and long-term relationships report... Read More

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 2

The first step toward being able to attract and create... Read More

How to Find Relationship Advice

One thing to keep in mind when seeking relationship advice... Read More

When Someone You Love is Moving

Your best friend moves a thousand miles, your aunt retires... Read More

Finding a Life Partner

Dear Candace,I'm 35 years old and ready to open my... Read More

Never Ever Show Youre Jealous

O.k., you're standing there all alone at a party and... Read More

How To (Wo)man Your Boundaries

The first time I ever heard "boundaries" mentioned, it was... Read More

I Want to Love Him... But Hes So Far Away

Okay, who are we kidding. Long-distance relationships are not supposed... Read More

What Is A Boundary In A Relationship?

You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary,... Read More

Washroom Break

Picture yourself at a bar with some of your buddies.... Read More

Anniversary Blues

Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their... Read More

A Kernel of Truth about Relationships: 4 Steps to Improvement

It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent... Read More

Relationship Advice: Powerful Tips for Staying Close and Connected

Staying close in your relationship does not just happen.Staying close... Read More

Second Fiddle

I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More

Great Relationships: 3 Really Dumb Mistakes and 3 Smarter Moves to Make

1) Think short term.Many people enter marriage with the same... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the Couple

Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take... Read More

The Real Way for Men to WOW the Woman They Love

Guys, I know the struggle, you want to give her... Read More

How to Choose Your Life Partner?

You have reached the age where you can start thinking... Read More

Gay and Lesbian Relationships

America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of... Read More