How Compatible Are You and Your Partner?

What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements? The small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?

Do you argue over money? Are you fighting over sex? Do you have different ideas about how much time you should spend together and apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one of you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things safe? Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of you want to always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun activities in your life?

Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there is a simple explanation for the conflict? When looking for a life partner, it is a good idea to take a close look at your "Need Strength Profile", based on Dr. William Glasser's work in the area of Choice Theory. This simple assessment will determine where you and your partner are in terms of the five basic needs and help you determine what areas are compatible and what areas should generate discussion and possible compromise and negotiation.

There is a free assessment at www.therelationshipcenter.biz on the "Free Stuff" page that will provide a rudimentary understanding of where you are with regard to the five basic human needs of Choice Theory---love & belong, survival, power, freedom and fun. If you are seeking compatibility in a relationship, you and your partner can both take this assessment and then discuss your results based on the rest of this article.

The first need is called love & belonging. It is the need that determines how much connection you require with others. Generally speaking, relationships work best when you have equivalent strengths of the love & belonging need. This is the need that will help you determine as a couple how much time you spend together and how much time is needed apart. Loving sex and romance is another aspect of this need, as are extended family and friends.

The second of the five basic needs is survival. This is so much more than just the need to physically survive, although that is part of it. It is also the psychological need to feel safe and secure. Areas of potential conflict around this need involve the ability to adapt to change, how you spend and save money, preparations one makes for safety, spontaneity, among other things.

The third of the human needs is power, which can be a difficult need to understand because power generally has a negative connotation associated with it. When people hear "power" they often think of one person exerting their power over another person. While this is one way, albeit not the best way, to meet one's power need, there are two other ways which are more responsible and palatable.

There are three ways to meet one's need for power---power over others, power with others and power within ourselves. Power over others is not a responsible way to meet one's power need because it interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. There are plenty of people who use power over others but I am advocating for the other two ways when seeking compatibility in relationships.

When people have a high need for power, they are born driven to get this need met. They don't know how to get it met; they just know they must find power. Often, you can observe in small children the tendency to power over others. Then, hopefully, life teaches children the other two ways to seek power.

When you look for "power with" others, it means that you are able to work cohesively with a group of people to advance toward a common goal. Many winning sports teams display this "power with" concept, as well as effective work teams and even fully functioning families. "Power with" others can be a very satisfying way of meeting one's power needs.

The final way to meet one's need for power is "power within" oneself. This is generally seen as a need for pride or competence. Those with a high power need who meet it through power within methods like to always do their best. They may seem to be perfectionistic but producing their best is very need satisfying to them.

In relationships, this power need accounts for workaholism, people who always need to control everything around them and a low degree of tolerance for imperfection in others. The power need has a big influence in interpersonal relationships.

The fourth need to discuss is the need for freedom. People with a high need for freedom are independent and like to do things their own way. High freedom need people generally don't like rules---particularly ones that don't make sense. They also value their time alone. They like to do what they want, when they want.

There is usually an inverse relationship between the love & belonging and the freedom needs. When a person has a high need for love & belonging, he or she typically has a lower need for freedom and vice versa. Of course, there are exceptions but typically there is an opposite relationship between the two.

The last of Choice Theory's basic human needs is fun. Fun seems pretty straightforward but there are some subtleties to it that are necessary to understand. There are basically three kinds of fun. There is the loud, energetic kind of fun that people might get from physical activity and parties, for example. There is the quiet, relaxing kind of fun that might be enjoyed by fishing, lying in a hammock on a warm summer's day or reading for pleasure. Then there is learning as fun.

Now, I'm not talking about when you learned algebra! For most of us that wasn't fun but I am talking about learning something you are interested in that has useful application for you. For me, the best example is when I learned how to downhill ski and made it the first time down the slope without falling and getting snow down my jacket, up my pant legs and various other places! It is the sheer joy of learning something that interests you. Everyone has various ways of meeting their fun needs and it is these differences that can drastically affect your satisfaction in your relationship.

It is not always true that in order for your relationship to succeed, you must have equal or almost equal need strengths in all five needs. For some needs, it is best when one of you is high and one of you is low in that need.

Go to www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and take the free assessment today. It's on the "Free Stuff" page, with a link provided on the home page. See what the assessment has to say. If you have some questions, join me in my chat room during one of my scheduled chats to discuss it, leave me a message on my blog (click on the "View our Web Journal" link on the home page) or check the events calendar for upcoming workshops.

There is so much to learn about improving the significant relationships in our lives. This provides you with one more piece to the puzzle. Our workshop and weekend conferences give you many more of the puzzle pieces to help you make sense of and work to improve your relationships. Don't wait until it's too late. Invest in your relationships today.

Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor and a life/relationship coach. She helps people unleash their personal power by living from the inside out, focusing their time and energy on only those things they can control. She also helps people improve the quality of their relationships with the important people in their lives.

For further information about Kim visit her website at http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz or contact her at(708) 957-6047.

In The News:


pen paper and inkwell


cat break through


Set Your Relationship Up for Success

A quarter of thirtysomething couples are unhappy in their relationships,... Read More

How To Support Friends and Loved Ones Through an Abusive Relationship

This is a question that comes up a lot. It's... Read More

No More Lonely Weekends!

How do you react when you are faced with spending... Read More

Why Some Women Are Desperate

I asked Dave how he was doing since it was... Read More

Top Ten List of What to Do and What Not to Do in Relationships

Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone... Read More

For Soul Mates: Will you grow or stagnate? Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Some soul mate couples refuse to grow. They refuse to... Read More

Reading Body Language in Depth

Body Language can tell you a lot about what is... Read More

Is Your Relationship Worth Fighting For

Sometimes when a relationship has gone sour, our efforts are... Read More

My Concept

From my own personal experiences with relationships I believe in... Read More

Finding Your Feng Shui Power Spots for Love and Romance

The first step in using feng shui to attract a... Read More

Ending Relationships Gracefully

In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, "How... Read More

The Big Secret of Age

Think back to when you were a child. Pick a... Read More

Why Some Men Dont Want To Commit

If you are dating, engaged, or still trying to find... Read More

Coping with Your Difficulties in Yourself

Ashleigh Brillant once said""Coping with difficult people is always a... Read More

The Unfairly Judged Professor

An All Too Familiar TaleShe takes her teaching responsibilities seriously;... Read More

Very Old Secret To Melt The Heart Of Your Beloved

My Dear Lover,Communication is one of the key ingredients for... Read More

Importance Of Background In A Relationship

Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More

Calling Forth a Soulmate

How do I draw a soulmate into my life? You... Read More

Your Next Relationship - Heaven or Hell?

We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More

How to Use Your Brain to Seduce Women

CHESS-MATEIf you're one of those guys telling to yourself that... Read More

Feel Like a (Romantic) Kid Again

If the start of the school year makes you a... Read More

A Recipe For Romance

So, tonight's the night. You want to have a Romantic... Read More

Hunter and Gatherer

Deep down, we haven't evolved as much as we would... Read More

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 4

Finally, after all of the hard work you have done... Read More

The Lies That Saved a Judges Life

What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but... Read More

Womens Cosmic Personality Quiz: Are You a Star Woman or an Earth Mother?

Star Women are visionary leaders, and focused on the future.... Read More

Fear of a Broken Heart

Dear Candace,I am in the process of getting divorced and... Read More

Reading Each Others Mind

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard... Read More

Why Anger is Essential to Healthy Relationships

Many of us have some very definite ideas about anger.... Read More

A Kiss is Never Just a Kiss!

"Kiss: a secret told to the mouth instead of to... Read More

Is Love Ever In Vain?

All too often you fall in love with someone out... Read More

Celebrate Friendship Day with Fresh Flowers!

Send flowers this Friendship Day, Sunday, August 7th! Across the... Read More

A Diamond Anniversary Ring ? The Perfect Way To Seal Your Love

Some time ago you both made a promise. A promise... Read More