Relationship Advice: Who Are You and What Have You Done with My Spouse?

"When we marry, we don't marry one person, we marry three. The person we think they are, the person they really are and the person they will become as a result of marrying us."

This quote has much to say about the process of intimacy and marriage.

The person we think they are

When we're getting to know someone and becoming increasingly familiar, we tend to try to look and behave our best. Over time, especially after marriage, we seem to relax the rules a little more.

Many people in premarital counseling wonder, at some level, "Who is this person really? What will they be like later?"

As Bruce Springsteen put it in the song "Brilliant Disguise:"

"Now tell me what I see,
When I look in your eyes.
Is that you, baby,
Or just a brilliant disguise"

The person they really are

Things are different after marriage.

Even people who have lived together for years before marriage tend to report everything simply "feeling different" after marriage.

What happens?

Perhaps it has to do with the models for marriage, intimacy and closeness we had growing up.

We all bring our own issues, both resolved and unresolved, to all of our relationships, most particularly marriage.

When quarreling with your partner, do you catch yourself saying things you heard your parents say? Do you ever catch yourself saying things even you don't believe, just to win the argument? These are all signs that old and unresolved issues are popping up.

When we marry someone, we simply marry the unresolved issues as well. For better or for worse, it's a package deal.

The person they will become

This is the part of the quote that seems to impact most of the people in the seminars I do.

Most of us have thought only about the effect our partner is having on us.

But what about the influence we are having on our partner?

Many quarreling couples are very quick to place blame. ``If only you would do X, then I wouldn't have to do Y.''

In most cases, people tend to be caught in a loop or cycle that is damaging not only to each other, but to the relationship as well. In the cycle, it's often difficult to tell exactly where it got started, but not that it has taken on a life of its own and is damaging to all involved.

Such are the cycles of marital conflict. Each person makes their contributions, and each person responds emotionally to the other person's contributions, and we're off to the races.

If you find yourself caught up in one of these cycles, how do you get out? Here's a brief list of things to consider and actions to take:

What kind of person are you helping you spouse to become?

What are your contributions to the cycle?

One couple I worked with described their quarreling cycles as if each has a sword and shield with which to defend themselves and wound each other. So they went to the toy store, bought two sets of play sword and shields and stuck them in the closet. Whenever a disagreement would begin to escalate, one of them would run to the closet and get the sword and shield. They would then break into laughter, the cycle was changed, and they were able to work things out in a different manner.

If the previous ideas don't prove useful, seek professional assistance.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

---

Is Your Relationship Worth Fighting For

Sometimes when a relationship has gone sour, our efforts are... Read More

5 Surefire Ways to Arouse Your Woman

As there are different types of women, there are different... Read More

The Informal Normal In a Black-Tie-Affair World

Have you noticed the trend?You ever notice how on programs... Read More

Trust Starts with You

"I have a hard time trusting people.""I never feel like... Read More

A Dear Jon Letter

How do you let go of someone whom you have... Read More

Zodiac Love Match ? Can the Stars be Right?

As a somewhat older gentleman (but still fairly good looking... Read More

Are You Ready to Handle an Indigo Child?

So what's new in the world of spirituality and the... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Tips for a Blissful Relationship

1.Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is... Read More

Tips For Proper Kissing Etiquette!

Many cultures have customary kissing etiquettes. The French for instance... Read More

The Wrong Kind of Love

A lot of people have the wrong kind of love... Read More

Relationship Problems: Whats Your Contribution?

As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More

Revenge ? Serve It Cold!

Whether you caught him in bed with the local bimbo,... Read More

What Planet Is Your Relationship On?

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus,... Read More

Looking for a Lasting, Deeply Satisfying Relationship?

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in... Read More

Importance Of Background In A Relationship

Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More

American Women Really Don?t Like You

Any man who has dated Asian ladies who live in... Read More

Thick Slice, Or Thin?

Malcolm Gladwell's book "Blink" is a fascinating read. The subtitle... Read More

How To (Wo)man Your Boundaries

The first time I ever heard "boundaries" mentioned, it was... Read More

How to Have an Affair - Beware!

People decide to have an affair for many reasons. They... Read More

Spouse Improvement: Influence Your Partner to Change in Just 7 Steps

Everyone has something they'd like to change in their partner.... Read More

Calming the Storm In Your Relationship

IntroductionConflict in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with... Read More

Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are so painful that I often wonder why... Read More

Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?

How far can you afford to bend your values to... Read More

The Womans Guide to Younger Men

I often awake to find Beverly, my older wife, wrapped... Read More

Stop, Look, & Listen: The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner

IntroductionDo you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep... Read More

The Secret of Relationship Success

With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%,... Read More

Only You Can Decide If Your Interracial Love Will Stand the Test of Time

Interracial dating has really evolved over the past two decades... Read More

The Path of Relationship

Each month after completing and fine tuning Letters on Life... Read More

Relationship Problems: Solvable or Unsolvable

Every so often, I will hear a relationship speaker claim... Read More

I Want to Love Him... But Hes So Far Away

Okay, who are we kidding. Long-distance relationships are not supposed... Read More

You are Killing US with YOUR Jealousy

Hey all, I feel that need to reach out and... Read More

What Type of a Kisser Are You?

As we all know, there are many types of kiss.... Read More

Do You Enable?

We all have behaviors, tendencies, patterns, and the keen ability... Read More