How a Three Letter Word Kills Good Relationships

"You know, I really do love fish!"

My friend Steve came up with this profound comment as we were about to tuck into the gastronomic offerings before us in a crowded downtown restaurant. I raised my eyebrows.

Well, on the face of it, Steve sure wasn't kidding. He lost no time in matching words with action as he attacked the luscious fried sole with cream sauce with unbelievable gusto.

But I know my friend is a philosopher at heart, and I wasn't going to let him get away with it so easily.

"Steve," I said. "You're doing a great job with that fish. I envy your efficiency. But..."

"But what?"

"What do you mean that you LOVE it?"

"I sure do," Steve assured me. "Could eat it for breakfast lunch and supper. I believe I could almost live on it."

"Yeah," I retorted. "And for the sake of your unquenchable love, the lives of how many fish are sniffed out every day? Steve, you don't love FISH. You love YOURSELF."

And my friend was forced to admit I was right.

Now, let's switch focus a bit. Let's talk a little about Pete, another good friend of mine.

(OK, OK, I'll come clean. In real life, I don't have a friend called Steve nor one called Pete. If I did, I wouldn't be gossiping about them like this, would I? I hate gossip. Fortunately, though, I've a reasonably good imagination, and I'm trying to put across some pretty important concepts here...

Forgive me? Good...)

Couple who are always squabbling

Pete has been married for ten years or more, and he and his good wife, Jane are almost always squabbling.

To tell the truth, I've never known anything like it. It's either he insulting her, or she insulting him. In private or public, it seems to make little difference; each trying to find a juicier epithet still to hurl at the other.

And yet...

Ever since I've known him, Pete has been protesting that he loves Jane dearly. And you know something? He does. I should know. He's MY friend.

True, at one time, I was skeptical. If Pete said he loved his wife, I could hardly doubt it, but I thought it was like Steve and his beloved fish. Now I know better.

Good - so how do I know? Alright, I'll tell you.

A few years ago, something of a medical nature was apparently bothering Jane a bit, so off she went to her doctor for a check-up. She wasn't expecting anything particularly dramatic, but what she heard from the physician that day was a bombshell, to put it very mildly.

"Jane, I don't like to frighten you, but this is life threatening. Very , very serious. However, time is still on our side. The next two months will be critical. You must follow the treatment program to the letter, and get plenty of rest. And keep praying..."

Do you think there was any bickering in Steve and Jane's household during the following two months? Not on your life!

Blissful feeling of intimacy

Pete's single-minded concern for his wife's health and comfort, if predictable, was complete. And if a pain wracked Jane did allow an occasional hurtful remark to pass her lips, he found it pretty easy to ignore it.

Ironically, this was, in some ways, the happiest period of the marriage. A blissful feeling of intimacy, such as neither partner had ever dreamed possible, enveloped the unsuspecting couple. Pete's obsession with Jane's welfare left him with no time for extraneous thoughts, and Jane's appreciation and admiration grew stronger day by day.

Two month's later, they were back at the doctor's. Can you imagine the overwhelming relief when he pronounced: "The danger's over!"?

Business as usual...

And the next day - business as usual! Petty bickering, name-calling, all kinds of verbal barbs and arrows. Well, if that brings them a little contentment in life...everyone to their own taste!

But seriously, what makes them do it? Can they really be contented that way? More pointedly, how could a couple that had reached such great heights slip back overnight?

It all boils down to a critical three-letter word.

We call it the EGO.

Is the Ego really so bad? Not always. If by "ego" we mean "self-esteem", it's indispensable. Many people say that we can't start to love others until we love ourselves first. That's perfectly true - IF we're talking about the right kind of self-love.

But if my Ego means my needs, my honor, my sensitivities, always come first (and probably middle and last), boy, we're playing with dynamite!

Sure, Pete loves Jane, and Jane loves Pete. Always did, always will. If one would disappear from the other's life, he or she would know all about it!

So what's the problem?

Then what's the problem? Why does it take a medical crisis to create a little bit of peace and harmony in their home? What prevents this at other times?

And what about US? What blocks the harmony that we seek in our homes, the peaceful cooperation we want in our workplaces?

The Ego that insists that I'm right, that will not yield on the most trivial issue. The Ego that demands the honor that's due to me. The Ego that pursues justice at all costs, irrespective of everything it knocks down on the way!

And for the sake of that pompous ass of an Ego, we're prepared to sacrifice everything!

Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.

---

Relationship Failing? Consider Your Ways

WhenWe all need to consider our ways. So many times... Read More

Being Romantic for a Change

Honestly, I do not know anyone who is romantic nowadays... Read More

The Egoistic Friend

What are friends for and how can a friendship be... Read More

Are You Fit To Love?

is the most important question you'll ever ask yourself. Let's... Read More

The Sound of His Laughter

When you're searching for your Mr. Right, I want you... Read More

Women Are Not Aliens

One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More

Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."That's how the sticker in... Read More

When Attracting Sexy Women, Remember... Time And Circumstance Change Everything

Many guys are just too intimidated and full of anxiety... Read More

Successful on the Outside, Lonely on the Inside: Our Hidden Epidemic

I say "Loneliness. Isolation. Invisibility."You ask "Eleanor Rigby?" I say... Read More

The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer

"I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of... Read More

Never Ever Show Youre Jealous

O.k., you're standing there all alone at a party and... Read More

One of The Main Reasons Why Relationships Fall Apart

I had the priviledge to try out a BMW M5... Read More

Men and Relationships

Ever since the women's movement began, women have empowered themselves... Read More

Relationship Advice: Words Can Hurt or Heal

"Stick and stones, may break my bones, but words will... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

Friends and Friendship - Who are Friends, What is Friendship

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is... Read More

The Sting

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28,... Read More

To Love Or To Be In Love

What is the basic difference between loving someone and being... Read More

Feel Like a (Romantic) Kid Again

If the start of the school year makes you a... Read More

7 Unfailing Laws of Happy Relationships

Most think that relationships exist to make them happy. When... Read More

Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 2 The Not-the-Same Syndrome

How often do we complain that our man isn't romantic... Read More

Ladies, Is Your Valentine The Cheating Kind?

According to statistics, 50% to 70% of men cheat on... Read More

Is It Love or Money?

What do women or men want out of a relationship?... Read More

Seduction Secrets For Men Part 3 - A Wonderful Idea To Spice Up Your Existing Relationships

There is a cool little game for spicing up your... Read More

Telling the Hard Truth

Watching television's "sitcom's", I can't help but notice that most... Read More

How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 2

Troll Detection Made EasyDue to their overwhelming lack of social... Read More

Romantic Tips ? Gift Giving

I believe that we have all heard of the standard... Read More

The 4 Stages of a Relationship

1. The Perfect Phase is the first three months. If... Read More

Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1

IntroductionMany gay men in both short and long-term relationships report... Read More

Why You Should Be Happy You Caught Your Partner Cheating

The dictionary defines infidelity as "unfaithfulness to a sexual partner".... Read More

Why Doesnt She Leave Him?

It's very easy to look, from the outside, at another... Read More

Relationship Your Way To A Successful and Fulfilling Life

What is a relationship? What does a relationship mean? There... Read More

To Apologize or Not to Apologize...That is the Question

We don't like to say it and we don't always... Read More