Relationship Problems: Whats Your Contribution?

As the story goes, there was once a farmer and his family. They lived in and farmed a huge and gorgeous valley, right next to an equally huge and gorgeous mountain range.

Each year as the seasons turned into late summer and early fall, the farmer and his sons would begin to store their barns with hay for the winter. Some years they stored just a little for the winter, some years they stored much more.

One year, they began to store hay earlier than ever before. The farmer told his sons that it was going to be a very long and cold winter. As each week began, the farmer would instruct his sons to store more and more, and even more hay.

And then as they got further and further into the fall, the farmer and his sons doubled the amount of hay they stored in the barn.

The father said "Sons ,we've got to store more hay than ever before. It's going to be a winter like we have never seen."

One son, being just a bit tired of storing more and more hay, asked the father how he could know that it was going to be a more difficult winter than ever before. The father replied, "Son, you are now old enough for me to tell you the secret of how I know how difficult a winter it will be. Each year, I look up on the great mountain where the Indians live. On the mountain, the Indians store wood for the winter. Some years, in mild winters, they store just a little. Other years, in particularly harsh winters, they store much more.

So I know how cold the winter is going to be by watching how much wood the Indians store away. Now that you know my secret, let's get to work, because the Indians just put away more wood yesterday."

Another son, being fed up with storing so much hay, took one of his younger brothers on a journey up to the mountains to speak with the Indians.

When they arrived, they approached the chief of the tribe and asked him why he was putting away so much wood this year. To which the chief replied,

"This is an ancient Indian custom. We always know how cold the winter will be by watching the farmer in the valley. The colder the winter will be, the more hay the farmer puts away!"

What is Your Contribution?

Both the Indian and the farmer were simply reacting to each other, believing that each one was the source of the need to prepare the winter.

And so it goes in many of our relationships. Whether it is in friendship, marriage, family, or the work environment, we are prone to blame others for the way we behave in the relationship.

The line goes something like this,

"If only they would do (blank), then I would stop (or start) doing (blank)."

So the question then becomes, as in the farmer-Indian story, what is your contribution?

Do you do any of the following:

=>Expect too much.

=>Expect too little.

=>Have a preconceived bias against the other person.

=>Misinterpret something they have said or done and then fail to check out your perception.

=>Expect/demand the other person to change first.

=>Expect/demand your own way.

=>Do the silent treatment or some other way of shutting the other person out.

So what to do? Three steps:

1) Identify your contribution.

2) Take responsibility for it, whether you like it or not.

3) Change your contribution.

Ready for the bottom line folks? Change your contribution, and you can not only solve the problem, you can change and improve the relationship.

Jeff Herring is a Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Syndicated Relationship Columnist. Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for more relationship tips and tools, a f'ree e-zine and f'ree e-programs to enrich your relationship.

In The News:


pen paper and inkwell


cat break through


Love is not Something you Say, Its Something you Do

Many have problems with communication and using that "love" word.... Read More

Dinner Scooped Off the Floor - Why Men Wont Commit

"We strengthen a muscle by using it, and that is... Read More

Ounce of Prevention

"To love, honour and cherish", easy words to say during... Read More

Easy Ways to Turn Any Evening Romantic

If you don't have the time, money or energy to... Read More

Relationship Problems Have Warning Signs

Families are made up of individuals; men, women, and children.... Read More

Affairs: What an Affair Really Is and What an Affair Really Does

We hear about it all the time - in magazines,... Read More

Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are so painful that I often wonder why... Read More

Things Every Couple Should Know

In my family law practice, one of the most common... Read More

Ten Tips to Play Together, and Stay Together: Lessons from the Teepee Turn-around

There is an old expression, which may sound trite, but... Read More

Sometimes You Got to Spy ? Dealing with Online Infidelity

Online infidelity is more prevalent than you think. This includes... Read More

Successful on the Outside, Lonely on the Inside: Our Hidden Epidemic

I say "Loneliness. Isolation. Invisibility."You ask "Eleanor Rigby?" I say... Read More

Pen Pal Romance

We have all heard the wonderfully romantic stories of pen... Read More

Get Lucky In Your Love Life

Whether you are single or married, we all need luck... Read More

Creative Visualizations for Love

To manifest love through creative visualization, you first need to... Read More

Why Its Important to Stay in Contact with Your Friends when Youre in a Relationship

So often when we begin to enter into a new... Read More

What Does a Dangerous Man Look Like?

When you are dating you try to keep from a... Read More

The Sponge Pattern

Relationships. They're complicated, right? At least that's what we've been... Read More

True Friendships - How to Get True Friends and Friendships

True Friendship - RecognitionHow can we find true friendships in... Read More

Lab Created Diamonds Are Now Exceedingly Good

When we think of precious gems, we usually spare little... Read More

The Relativity of Your Life

We live in the world of the relative. What and... Read More

Revenge ? Serve It Cold!

Whether you caught him in bed with the local bimbo,... Read More

How to Find Out If Your Wife or Girlfriend Is Cheating On You

What drives a woman to cheat may look a lot... Read More

How to Have an Affair - Beware!

People decide to have an affair for many reasons. They... Read More

The Three Rings of Relationships

Glenna Trout is an international authority on face reading whose... Read More

Lovers Quarrel

One minute you seem like lovesick turtledoves teasing, laughing and... Read More

How a Written Agreement Can Enhance Your Relationship

Marital contracts have an honorable history going back thousands of... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number... Read More

Finding a Life Partner

Dear Candace,I'm 35 years old and ready to open my... Read More

I Want to Love Him... But Hes So Far Away

Okay, who are we kidding. Long-distance relationships are not supposed... Read More

Swinging! Will My Spouse Be Interested?

How does one talk his/her spouse into living the Swinging... Read More

Rediscovering Love and Intimacy

Wendy started counseling with me because Terence, her husband of... Read More

Improve Your Love Luck with Feng Shui!

Are you tired of looking for love without success? If... Read More

Happily Ever After/Real Love

I was 43 years old and still looking for love.... Read More