In order to free ourselves from the pain of anger and resentment we need to be able to forgive our self and others. The longer we dwell on hurtful situations from the past, the longer we keep our self from living fully in the present. Forgiveness is an act of kindness. An act of kindness to your self, as it leads to a sense of personal freedom.
Recently I had a client who had a lot of resentment towards her mother for many things that she had done to her in the past. "I don't want to forgive my mother for what she did in the past." my client said. "What she did is wrong, and she has never apologized." I hear this very same statement from many clients who are living with resentment, whether it be towards their parents, their spouse, or their boss.
I asked my client if she felt that anyone other than herself, was responsible for, and capable of, making her happy. After a rather long and convoluted discussion, she said that when it was all said and done, she realized that she was indeed the only one that could make herself happy.
We sat there together for a while, and then I took a deep breath and suggested that my client do so as well. Here is an idea, I said. "What if as a totally selfish act, done simply for your own personal happiness, you decided to go ahead and let go of the resentment you had towards your mom, so that you would no longer need to have resentment clouding your life. What would that be like?" "You would not be saying that what was done to you was OK. You would simply be letting go of the resentment so that your own life would be happier. Would you want to let go of your resentment if it meant you would feel greater happiness?"
We sat there together for a while and my client's face softened. She said that if she was able to let go of her resentment, it would be like lifting a weight from her shoulders, and removing a dark cloud from her heart.
"With all you have been through," I said. "With all of the pain you have suffered, wouldn't it be a wonderful gift to yourself if you could lift this weight from your shoulders and remove the dark cloud from your heart? Would it not be wonderful to be freed from your hurt and resentment?"
She sat there for a while, as tears formed, and she said very softly "Yes, I want to feel good. I want to feel love. I want to feel free."
"So" I said, "In order to free yourself from pain and open your heart to love, you would be willing to go so far as to forgive your mother if this is what you felt was necessary for your own personal happiness?" She was somewhat hesitant, but said "Yes." "Remember" I said, "I am suggesting that you do this purely for selfish reasons. Not because you want to actually forgive your mom at this point in time, but because you want to free yourself to live a happier life." My client said "Yes, when it is said like this, I have the resolve to forgive my mother, in order to free myself to live a happier life." "Good I said. "Hold these thoughts and feelings in your heart for a while and then we can talk about how to actually accomplish your forgiving."
How about you? Are you holding onto any resentment? Are you ready to recapture your happiness? Would you be willing to undertake the radical act of forgiveness in order to free yourself? I certainly hope so.
And if not today, maybe tomorrow.
Charlie Badenhop is the originator of Seishindo, an Aikido instructor, NLP trainer, and Ericksonian Hypnotherapist. Benefit from his thought-provoking ideas and a new self-help Practice every two weeks, by subscribing to his free newsletter about the importance of Mindfulness in our lives. If you want to learn more about anger management or become involved in Practices that can help you to feel calm and centered, Seishindo is a great choice. Find out more about Seishindo Anger Management theories and practices by reading the Seishindo Newsletter issue entitled "Coming to terms with anger."
© Charlie Badenhop, 2005. You have permission to publish this article electronically free of charge, as long as the bylines with the active links are included and you don't sell the article to others.
When Army leaders fail to control battlefield stress, they lose... Read More
The moment I read the story I'm about to share... Read More
Everyone needs successful stress management techniques. Easy to learn and... Read More
Are you looking for stress relief? No drugs, no meditation?... Read More
Q. I wonder if you could help me with a... Read More
Rest.It's a good thing to do. As the story goes,... Read More
If you are an anxiety and panic sufferer, then you've... Read More
Are you a "worry wart?" Is that term familiar to... Read More
I came out of a nightmare 5-year period of anxiety... Read More
"The great lesson from the true mystics, from the Zen... Read More
Why Stress Management programmes don't work?It seems that every week... Read More
It is no secret that stress and related disorders are... Read More
There are two types of anxiety:*Situational *Existential.Most of us experience... Read More
Have you been feeling so stressful and almost losing your... Read More
A friend has this quotation on his office wall: "I... Read More
26 ways to minimize and manage the unhealthy effects of... Read More
Stress. The word brings to mind many different definitions doesn't... Read More
Breathing is the vital force of life. It is considered... Read More
Q. So many times in my life, I seem to... Read More
"Slow down, you move too fast, you've got to make... Read More
Statistics tell us that more people have migraine headaches on... Read More
Have you ever considered sewing a handbag as an act... Read More
Syndicated columnist Dale Dauten recently wrote, "One of life's great... Read More
Work stress has become a major problem today. The nature... Read More
What part of no don't you understand? - Bumper stickerThe... Read More
The National Center for health statistics reported that in 1997,... Read More
In our article about Exercise & Stress, we looked at... Read More
For those who are suffering from stress, just about the... Read More
Managing stress is not easy if you don't have the... Read More
To combat modern day stressors, you need to realize that... Read More
If you suffer from insomnia of any kind, the chances... Read More
Governements and businesses have regularly highlighted the costs of stress... Read More
Positive self-esteem is very important for our general health and... Read More
What do you do when you wake up in the... Read More
Voice: Bill!Bill: I thought I heard a voice.Voice: Bill! This... Read More
These days, when people have become so conscious about what... Read More
Picture the following scene:It's Sunday evening, the weekend is winding... Read More
There may be so much you want to change in... Read More
"We do not stop playing because we grow old. We... Read More
The United Nations declares workplace stress to be a worldwide... Read More
First, let's make a distinction between pressure and stress. We... Read More
Q. I wonder if you could help me with a... Read More
Stress is normal. Stress is OK. Stress is the same... Read More
Defending your point of view can use up a lot... Read More
Workplace stress is on the rise and it's costing corporate... Read More
While free-lancing for business magazines, I was assigned to write... Read More
Aromatherapy is very therapeutic when it comes to healing emotional... Read More
Q. I've suffered a few setbacks and disappointments in the... Read More
When something happens in our lives, we automatically assess the... Read More
Did you know that taking a short trip, such as... Read More
Work stress has become a major problem today. The nature... Read More
"I've got too much to do, I've just got too... Read More
Living in our world today can be very stressful. While... Read More
There are two types of anxiety:*Situational *Existential.Most of us experience... Read More
Let's take a look at some of the more serious... Read More
This anger management Practice draws on the dual wisdom of... Read More
It has long been suggested that "music soothes the savage... Read More
I hear from many people that they see ever increasing... Read More
What is Stress?Stress may be defined as the three-way relationship... Read More
Rest.It's a good thing to do. As the story goes,... Read More
"Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into... Read More
26 ways to minimize and manage the unhealthy effects of... Read More
With how busy we keep ourselves on a day to... Read More
Recently the well known American news anchor Peter Jennings died... Read More
Managing stress is not easy if you don't have the... Read More
This is a tool to measure the amount of stress... Read More
Stress Management |