Addiction to Blame

Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years had threatened to leave him if he didn't stop blaming her all the time. He admitted to frequently blaming her in a variety of situations. He blamed her if he thought she made a mistake, if he thought she was wrong about something, if he was feeling alone, or even if he had a bad day at work. He blamed her for asking him questions when he didn't know the answer. He would sometimes even blame her if his golf game was off. He always blamed her when he felt judged by her, or when he didn't get her approval. While he freely admitted that he blamed her, he couldn't seem to stop, and he had no idea why he blamed her.

As I explored various situations with Allen, it became apparent that he was not just blaming his wife. Allen was constantly blaming and judging himself. He would verbally beat himself up for mistakes, telling himself things like, "I'm such a jerk," and would often say very negative things to himself, such as, "Things will never get any better," or "I'm just a loser," or "I'm a big disappointment to myself." He would then feel angry and agitated as a result of abusing himself, but he never connected his anger with his self-judgment. Instead, he would dump his anger on his wife, or yell at other drivers on the freeway.

It became apparent to Allen that he would not be able to stop blaming his wife until he stopped blaming and judging himself. His addiction to blaming others was a direct result of his self-abuse.

The problem was that Allen had learned to be very self-indulgent regarding his thoughts. He let his thoughts run rampant, never stopping to discern whether or not what he was telling himself was the truth or was a lie. As a result, he was constantly allowing the wounded part of himself, his ego self, to be in charge. And this part of him was filled with all the lies he had learned in the 46 years of his life.

Allen was appalled when he realized that all his anger at others was really his anger at himself for abusing himself. He was projecting onto others what he was doing to himself. He saw that he was especially sensitive to others' judgment because he was so judgmental of himself.

As we explored why Allen was so self-abusive, he realized that he believed that if he judged himself enough, he could have control over getting himself to do it "right." He realized this wasn't true by an experience he had playing tennis.

"I played last Wednesday and I was in a really good mood. I was just playing for the fun of it, rather than to play well, and I played my best game ever! The very next day I played worse than I have for a long time. I realized that, having done so well on Wednesday, I now wanted control over doing as well on Thursday. As soon as I tried to control it, I lost it.

I want to stop doing this, but I've been doing it my while life. How do I stop?"

Stopping any addiction is always a challenge. Changing our thought process is especially challenging. However, there is a process available, but it will work only when you really want to change. Changing from being self-abusive to self-loving has to become more important to you than continuing to try to control yourself through your self-judgments.

1. Pay attention to your feelings. Learn to be aware of when you are feeling angry, anxious, hurt, scared, guilty, shamed, depressed, and so on.

2. Make a conscious decision to learn about what you are telling yourself that is causing your pain, rather than ignoring it, turning to substance or process addictions, or continuing to abuse yourself.

3. Ask yourself, "What am I telling myself that is causing me to feel badly?" Once you are aware of what you are telling yourself, ask yourself, "Am I certain that what I'm telling myself is the truth, or is it just something I've made up?" Then ask yourself, "What am I trying to control by telling myself this?"

4. Once you are aware that you are telling yourself a lie that is causing you to feel badly, and why you are telling it to yourself, ask the highest, wisest part of yourself, or ask an inner teacher or a spiritual source of guidance, "What is the truth?" When you sincerely want to know the truth, it will easily come to you.

5. Change your thinking, now telling yourself the truth.

6. Notice how you feel. Lies will always make you feel badly, while the truth brings inner peace. Any time you are not in peace, go through this process to discover what lie you are telling yourself. Eventually, with enough practice, you will be in truth and peace more and more of the time.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

---

If What You Are Doing Is Not Working Change Your Approach

And ironically the more we worry about it, the more... Read More

Attention! Thought Crossing! ? Or, The Secret of What?s Between Your Ears

What are you thinking - right now? 'I'm reading your... Read More

Are You At The Point Of No Return?

There is a point at which everything becomes simple and... Read More

Passport to Passion

Passion is a feeling of excitement and intensity. The energy... Read More

The Harvest: Shared Power

The fall harvest comes upon us once a year. The... Read More

Walt Disney, the Inspiration to Form a Better Life?

You, like many others, may have come to this article... Read More

Reduce Anxiety About Decison Making

What's the alternative to making decisions?Allowing someone else, or circumstances,... Read More

Are YOU a Dreamer?

This morning I watched a news article about a young... Read More

3 Keys to Making Small Talk Easy to Do

Small talk used to be really hard work for me.... Read More

10 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before I Went Into the Real World

I must confess, I laughed when I saw that Maria... Read More

Kabbalah Coach: Love the One Youre With

IntroductionEvery one of us came to the planet to figure... Read More

How Empathy Can Reduce Your Anger

Jim, a 42-year old engineer was teaching his eight-year-old son... Read More

Progress Reviews: Your Key To Effective Coaching

One of the most effective ways to help your staff... Read More

Coaching May Be For You

Are you looking for someone who will hold you accountable... Read More

How to Quickly and Easily Deal With Rude People

Where I live there seems to be a a growing... Read More

Enhancing Life for a Lifetime

Do you often feel lonely, anxious, or even depressed? Is... Read More

What To Do? Lifes Big Question

We've all experienced the same thing at important crossroads in... Read More

The X-factor

Would you agree that today most of us have the... Read More

COACHING: When it?s Beyond Oprah and Dr. Phil

How many more servings of the daytime self-help salad will... Read More

Parts that Make the Whole? or Not

There are many parts that make up you.There's the Musical... Read More

What Does It Take To Have It All In Life?

Many people have asked me why I wrote my book,... Read More

Should I Get A Coach?

Why should or would someone hire a life coach? Well,... Read More

Smelling the Roses: Better Living Through Savoring

"Stop and smell the roses," people often say. Then they... Read More

Do You Really Need A Home Business Mentor?

Having a mentor can mean the difference between success and... Read More

Whats Up With All These Coaches?

If you are anything like me, you may have noticed... Read More

Relaxation Couldnt Be Simpler

Many people use their sofa and TV to help them... Read More

HR Professional in New Avtaar: HR as a Coach and Mentor

IntroductionThese days in corporate sector, everybody is talking about the... Read More

Simple Tips to Move Forward on the Job

Someone I know wants to move into another job in... Read More

Control, Helplessness, and Love

During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and... Read More

How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer ? Part B for Business!

My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years... Read More

Ch-Ch-Chain of Hearts: Cranking Up Compassion

Can you hear your compassion? It's time to crank it... Read More

Whats in it for me if I Hire A Coach?

1. An unshakable foundation:Create and build your life from the... Read More

Can You Say No?

As a manager you are constantly being asked to do... Read More