Are You Invisible?

Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others' feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn't really exist, other than to be there for others.

When Ellen's feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren't important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.

The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen's health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.

Many of us have learned to be invisible ? to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?

• Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?

• Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?

• Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?

• Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?

• Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?

• Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?

• Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?

• Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?

• Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?

• Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?

• Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way ? physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually ? to avoid rejection?

• Do you allow others' anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?

• Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?

How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?

If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.

If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others' anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won't like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.

It must start with yourself ? with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!

Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Your Past and Present Hold Key to Your Future

Knowing more about who you are will give you the... Read More

Why Daily Planning is So Important for Adults with ADD

For adults with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), details are a... Read More

Live Healthy - Six Steps To A Healthy Life

Six steps we can take to reduce our risks for... Read More

Coaching Can Help Teachers At A Crossroads In Their Careers

Teachers enter the profession with the desire to help others,... Read More

Hows Your Self-Talk?

You know, what are you saying to yourself? There's always... Read More

A Fresh Look at the Choices We Make

We are frequently held back from making future plans or... Read More

Theres Always Enough Time!

I thought I'd begin this article by stimulating your mind... Read More

Life Coaching for Success and Fulfilment

We live in a world of rapid change and uncertainty.... Read More

Why a Coach is NOT a Consultant

Often while talking to people about my coaching practice I... Read More

What The Buddha Says About Coaches

There is a Buddhist saying that goes like this: "If... Read More

Budda In Your Back Pocket

The other day I was late for something. Not very... Read More

Six Steps for Creating Work-Life Balance

Today an increasing number of us are experiencing burnout, low... Read More

A Christmas Wish

My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She... Read More

Walt Disney, the Inspiration to Form a Better Life?

You, like many others, may have come to this article... Read More

How to Solve Disputes with the Helicopter Talk Technique

Do you ever find that when a friend asks for... Read More

Happiness and Work: Your Life Depends On It.

Early one morning, Robert awoke, made his wife of 41... Read More

Have a World-Changing Conversation

I know what you're thinking? "Here I am, completely stressed... Read More

Top Ten Reasons to Hire a Personal Coach

Have you considered hiring a personal coach? Jack Canfield, in... Read More

Essence of Awakeness

Be conscious, aware, and alert. Pay attention. Remember when you... Read More

Moment of Magic

Laughter may or may not be a shock, relieved, but... Read More

Why Pacing and Leading is for Wimps!

Okay, you have read some books on body language and... Read More

Key Questions for a Coaching Conversation

There are 2 key skills that coaches need to be... Read More

9 Guidelines For Spiritual Coaching

Spirituality coaching is more than creating goals and holding someone... Read More

Make a Decision and Take Action!

How are you progressing with the goals you set yourself... Read More

How to Optimize the Awesome Power of Thoughts and Imagination

Have you encountered a time when you were in a... Read More

The Mid-Life Challenge: Make a Plan to Re-ignite Vocational Passion

Nobody will stop you in the hallway at work to... Read More

Self-contentment Leads to Confidence

Being self-content means accepting and acknowledging who you are at... Read More

Your Responsibility

The other day I decided to skip cooking dinner and... Read More

The Incredible Rightness of Being

An Age-Old QuestionSearching for more meaning in our lives has... Read More

Choosing The Perfect Coach

So, you're ready to start coaching. You either have some... Read More

Mid Life Crisis and the Great American Dream

One of the mainstays of American culture is the "Great... Read More

What Do You Really Want ?

Being a coach is such a rewarding profession. The enormous... Read More

Use a Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression

As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they... Read More