Are You Addicted to Anger?

Michael was raised in a home where anger was used to control. His parents used their anger to attempt to control each other as well as their children. Sometimes the anger erupted into violence and Michael and his siblings would get physically hurt. Michael never knew when one of his parents would suddenly become enraged, so the threat was always there.

Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn't want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.

As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn't get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.

"Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?" I asked.

"I don't know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger."

"What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?"

"I guess I felt pretty much alone."

"You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening."

"Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn't wait to get bigger so I wouldn't feel so helpless."

"What triggers that helpless feeling now?"

"Humm?I guess it's when my wife and kids don't do what I want them to do or what I think they should do."

"So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?"

"I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It's an awful feeling.

"Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn't just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn't walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn't feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn't have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you've learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others - over what they choose to do and who they choose to be."

Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.

It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself - how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other's feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished.

In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!

Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

Truth About Life Coaching School Accreditation

With life coaching becoming "the" career choice in this millennium,... Read More

Business Career Executive Coaching Article -Motivator, Discipline and Desire

"There is a certain combination of desire and discipline in... Read More

4 Ways To Avoid Looking Stupid When Making Small Talk

The fear of saying something silly and feeling embarrassed stops... Read More

Are You A Work Addict?

Work addiction is very common in our society today, yet... Read More

Guilt By Association & Wealth By It Too!

"Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell thee... Read More

Learning To Recognize Your Ego

What is an ego? Well, in case you didn't know... Read More

Parts that Make the Whole? or Not

There are many parts that make up you.There's the Musical... Read More

Several Red Flags for Spotting a Phony or Scam

The world is full of phonies and scammers these days.... Read More

Why?

I met Sean a year and a half ago in... Read More

Your Past and Present Hold Key to Your Future

Knowing more about who you are will give you the... Read More

Tame The Financial Beast

Are holiday bills surprising you? Are you hoping that if... Read More

Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were... Read More

Think, Pause & Talk

There are two kinds of peoples we generally face in... Read More

Life Coaching for Success and Fulfilment

We live in a world of rapid change and uncertainty.... Read More

Corporate Coaching and Employees: One Step Ahead

"Don't shoot... We're on the same side."Contrary to popular belief,... Read More

How Not Letting Go of Your Past can Hurt Your Future

Experiences, whether good or bad, are sometimes all we have,... Read More

Using Audio Programs to Increase Your Knowledge and Productivity

If you do any significant amount of driving, a simple... Read More

The Power of Storytelling

Each and every day as we are building our businesses,... Read More

Top 10 Ways to Coach Yourself to Total Success!

Coaching is about being your best. It's about performance, about... Read More

Magic Potions We All Need This Time of Year

As winter descends we begin to feel the chill of... Read More

9 Guidelines For Spiritual Coaching

Spirituality coaching is more than creating goals and holding someone... Read More

A World of Possibility

When I started my sales career over 25 years ago,... Read More

Mid Life Crisis and the Great American Dream

One of the mainstays of American culture is the "Great... Read More

How To Increase Your Coaching Record By At Least 25%

"How can I become a better and more effective coach?"... Read More

Whats Next Syndrome

Terms like Postpartum, Post Traumatic and Post Gulf War are... Read More

The Power of Online Memberships

Have you ever noticed geese flying overhead, whether that be... Read More

Boost Your Self-Esteem

What Is Self-Esteem?Self-esteem literally means to esteem, or respect, yourself.... Read More

W Edwards Deming

Immediately post second world war W Edwards Deming went to... Read More

The Story ?From the Chicken Coop??

Many years ago my grandfather, had a small farm and... Read More

COACHING: When it?s Beyond Oprah and Dr. Phil

How many more servings of the daytime self-help salad will... Read More

Value Based Leadership Coaching

What can I do to be a better coach? The... Read More

Seeing Your Energy At Work

Our bodies are made of pure energy. With Quantum physics... Read More

Friends?

I met my friend when we were in graduate school,... Read More