I met my friend when we were in graduate school, and we enjoyed hanging out together outside of classes. After receiving our degrees, we both left school to live in different states. That was 10 years ago.
We've kept in touch, but our phone conversations and twice-a-year visits became opportunities for my friend to talk endlessly about her problems. When I tried to fill her in on my own life, she obviously tuned out.
In the past few years I've not visited her at all and dread her occasional phone calls and visits to my house. She invites herself now because I no longer invite her. When she's at my home, she literally follows me from room to room, talking nonstop, until I make an excuse to get away from her. I tell her I need to take a nap, but I don't sleep. I sit in my room and read or enjoy the quiet.
Here's the worst part. She and her family, including two young children, are moving to our city. Her family has a small income, and they are buying a house in a grand neighborhood they can't afford. She asked if she and her husband and her children can stay at my home on their trips to our town to deal with house matters.
My husband and I have no children. Even though our home is tiny and perfectly sized for us, I let them stay. She told me her husband would start his new job before they finished purchasing this house. I felt obligated to offer him our guest room. If I hadn't offered, she would have asked anyway.
Now he's here, and it turns out he'll be staying on through the weekends. I am seething.
I would never, ever, under any circumstances impose on a friendship this way. I feel used, resentful, and don't care if I ever see her again. Should I end this friendship? I'm getting absolutely nothing from it but a knot in my stomach.
Lorraine
Lorraine, life hands us lessons all the time. When we don't learn the lesson, life gets more and more difficult until we do.
You were making and accepting calls from a woman you didn't even want to talk to. Now her husband is living in your house. Furthermore, she plans on moving in with her two small children. Where does this lead? Count on being a free, drop-in babysitter. Count on her asking you to pick up her kids after school. Count on imposition after imposition until you finally learn to say no.
Tamara often uses the example of oatmeal cookies. If you don't like oatmeal cookies, don't be "polite" and say you do. Otherwise you will always be offered oatmeal cookies, and friends will make you gifts of oatmeal cookies. That is why you cannot fake emotions out of a false sense of politeness.
Everything is being done to the advantage of your "friend." Nothing is to your advantage. This arrangement isn't working, and her husband needs to stay elsewhere. It is too much of an imposition. Call her tonight and tell her. Pick a day soon, like Friday, and tell her that will be his moving day. Let her know she and her family must make other arrangements when they move, whether their house is ready or not.
Don't waste time on long explanations or sugarcoat it. Make the call short and factual.
Wayne
Lorraine Triumphant!
You are so absolutely positively right. I am instant messaging my husband right now to discuss our visitor's last day. I think what I found most helpful is your pointing out that I'm accepting calls and visits from someone I don't want to talk to. It's so crystal clear. Thanks for giving me the kick in the butt that I need.
Lorraine
Lorraine, tonight we will lift our glasses and toast your victory.
Wayne & Tamara
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 18, 2004
About The Author
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
In principle, we don't want to give up coaching employees.... Read More
I was asked the other day : "Kate, is personality... Read More
I saw a couple for marriage counseling this week, and... Read More
Each of us has our own set of personal values;... Read More
Sometimes life can seem like one long series of unsolvable... Read More
The other day I decided to skip cooking dinner and... Read More
There is one important point that is often missed in... Read More
What Is Your Definition of Success?If you want to create... Read More
When I started my sales career over 25 years ago,... Read More
Life coaching has become fashionable in recent years and there... Read More
"How can I become a better and more effective coach?"... Read More
Why are you in business? Hopefully you enjoy what you... Read More
Joey rises before dawn to pack his lunch, eager for... Read More
Are you one of those folks that needs to figure-it-out... Read More
Over the years I've worked with very many coaches and... Read More
In this article we would like to help you explore... Read More
I don't know many people who would admit to wanting... Read More
Back in the 1920's when Polish-American entrepreneur Leo Gerstenzang invented... Read More
1. Do not believe everything you hear!With close friends and... Read More
How often do you hear a parental voice in your... Read More
Knowing more about who you are will give you the... Read More
Have you ever laid in bed trying to fall asleep,... Read More
"There is a time for departure, even when there's no... Read More
The battle at Gettysburg is one of the most notable... Read More
Do you often get yourself upset and feeling less than... Read More
You, like many others, may have come to this article... Read More
"Fortune befriends the bold." - John DrydenI regularly work with... Read More
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on... Read More
How would you like to get along even better with... Read More
That one guy at work that always has to be... Read More
Recently at a Pharmaceutical meeting in Europe, one of the... Read More
Disappointment is an inevitable part of home-based business. Clients won't... Read More
One of the most often mis-understood aspects of self-development is... Read More
Most people suffer from stress at some time during the... Read More
Did you hire a "life coach" to help you sort... Read More
Many people have asked me why I wrote my book,... Read More
Have you ever wished yourself away? I am not referring... Read More
Three steps to your Personal Transformation:Awareness and PerceptionLaw of Cause... Read More
Many of you reading this will be running businesses, or... Read More
As a whole I think there is a sad tendency... Read More
We all put off making decisions and taking action sometimes... Read More
How many times have you agreed to do something that... Read More
One of the biggest challenges to developing superior communication skills... Read More
We are frequently held back from making future plans or... Read More
I think that we're all probably familiar with the fairground... Read More
One of the most distressing observations I have made among... Read More
Feeling disappointed? It's time to float.The time-honored approach to disappointment... Read More
What do you do when fear shows up? Do you... Read More
Things are the way you think they are, because you... Read More
One of the ironies of mindfulness is that it's still... Read More
Being self-content means accepting and acknowledging who you are at... Read More
How often do you hear a parental voice in your... Read More
Real change happens only when it becomes part of our... Read More
In today's fast paced world, we are often confronted with... Read More
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 22,... Read More
Thoughts are real things. As soon as you realize how... Read More
You Are What You Listen ToCan music really help you... Read More
A headhunter was on the other end of the phone.... Read More
"Tell me what company thou keepst, and I'll tell thee... Read More
I've been through a couple of checklists in the past... Read More
Joey rises before dawn to pack his lunch, eager for... Read More
Allen consulted with me because his wife of 18 years... Read More
"There is a certain combination of desire and discipline in... Read More
Many business coaches deny the power of suggestion while using... Read More
Disappointment is an inevitable part of home-based business. Clients won't... Read More
I'm writing this on my laptop in a Cosi café... Read More
Coaching |