I Said Yes, I Meant No, and Now I Want Out

Imagine this; you have the opportunity to go away for the weekend with some friends. Being the courteous partner that you are, you check to make sure that there aren't plans already in the works, or that your significant other doesn't have a problem with you being away. Your partner tells you that it is ok and you happily go without a care in the world. You covered your bases and now you can enjoy the weekend. Maybe this scenario only happens once during your relationship, or maybe it is repeated a number of times. Whatever the case, fast forward ahead five or ten years and you have an argument or you are in counseling trying to fix some relationship issues and the fact that you took, or continue to take, these weekends with your friends comes up. You soon discover that not only was your partner not ok with you going away for the weekend, but anger and resentment have been harboring themselves away within the confines of his or her heart had have brewed themselves to overflowing.

Sound all too familiar? I believe that this scenario is repeated in homes everywhere. We choose to not be totally honest with our partner and then when we finally can't stand feeling abandoned or mistreated any longer, we blow up, or move out. I admit that most of the time our "lies" are innocent enough and we believe that they are told with good reason. We don't want to seem controlling or selfish to our partner, we think that they should know that their choices are what we consider to be bad, or we hope that guilt will eventually change their minds and they won't do whatever it is they want to do. The question that needs to be asked is, are we working to protect our relationship, and within our own integrity, or are we setting our partner up so we can be the better person, have something to hold over their heads, or worse yet, use it as ammunition in a full on relationship war?

Ask most people and they will tell you that honesty and communication are the cornerstones of a long and healthy relationship. You will also be told that attributes can be two of the hardest things to accomplish. When we choose to be less than honest with another and talk about our needs and feelings, we rob ourselves and our partner of healthy interactions. This isn't to say that a fight won't ensue by sharing that you think your partner is selfish for going away without you, but I feel it is selfish to keep those feelings holed up inside to only have them spew like a volcano at a later date. It is also possible that if you share your feelings, your partner will dismiss them and do whatever they planned to do anyway. The point is that as long as you continue to keep the lines of communication open and honest, working on issues and problems as they arise, there will be less chance that over time things will come to a point where they can't be repaired.

Communication with someone we love can be a huge challenge. Especially when we are dealing with a topic that can cause raised voices or hurt feelings. Here are some strategies that may help

A. Use "I" statements. "I feel like you would rather spend time with your friends rather than me" sounds much better and offers a place for discussion rather than "You would rather spend time with your friends than with me". The second example simply puts the accused on the defensive and offers nothing more than an opening for an argument.

B. Respect your feelings and those of your partner. Feelings are a personal thing and no one can tell you how to feel or denounce the feelings that you make public. Also realize that sometimes what you think you feel, may not really be your true feelings. For example, you may believe that you are feeling anger toward someone, when in fact; after talking it through, you realize that you are actually feeling neglected by them. Remember too that your partner has feeling and those feelings are just as important as yours. No one person can claim their feelings are more right, or more important.

C. Don't try and have discussions about feelings and highly emotional issues in front of others. Often times posturing and staging get involved in these situations and people say things that they don't mean or that are less than nice. Take a time out and set up a time when tempers aren't heated or privacy is available. It is imperative to honor that appointment. If you don't show up, you send the message that the topic and/or the person aren't important.

D. Be honest about your feelings. It sometimes hurts, it is often times difficult, but it is always a safer, healthier option than storing up all those feelings and letting them accumulate over time.

E. Be willing to compromise.

F. Pick you battles. We have heard this said when disciplining children, but it is true with relationships as well. Not everything needs to be an issue. Some things we have to admit will never change and we just need to get over it and move on. Be sure that those issues that are really important are addressed and forget the rest.

G. Don't assume. If it isn't said, no one can really know what is in your head or heart. Furthermore, just because something was once one way, it may not always be that way again. Clarify when in question.

These tips aren't 100% full proof, but they certainly will get you started on the way to better communication with someone you love.

Kim Dziobak is a personal coach dedicated to working with individuals and families to improve health and wellness.

---

The Friend Who Taught Me

Knowing her day can be dreadfully tiresome when she mounts... Read More

I Have A Secret to Share

Dear Candace,I have been through a lot over the last... Read More

Fight, Flight, or Loving Action

Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When... Read More

The Freedom to Fall

So you want a soulmate do you? Okay not necessarily... Read More

Second Time Around the Block

Divorce happens. I'm not going to debate the causes or... Read More

Sad Scientific Facts About Love

Disaster results when we see women trying to change a... Read More

Relationship Tips to Grow Close and Stay Close

Relationship Tip 1My family loves movies. In the theater, on... Read More

Love Problems

Often times when a couple gets married, things get pushed... Read More

One of The Main Reasons Why Relationships Fall Apart

I had the priviledge to try out a BMW M5... Read More

For Better Or Worse

For Better or WorseI was in the middle of a... Read More

Confession of the Egoists!

Hamlet has given this generation an awfully amazing and defensive... Read More

The Secret of Relationship Success

With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%,... Read More

Holy Mantrimony

In the last couple of weeks, the catholic war machine... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: How to Balance Your Hear at Work with Your Heart at Home

Remember the Tom Cruise movie "Jerry Maguire?"From my seat in... Read More

American Women Really Don?t Like You

Any man who has dated Asian ladies who live in... Read More

Lists, Lists, and More Lists

Every person that thinks something is amiss in their relationship... Read More

Soul Mate Myths

But the cold truth is that most people have never... Read More

When Groucho Marx Got It Right

Groucho Marx was, I believe, a comic genius; a linguistic... Read More

Great Relationships: Checkbook Battles and How to Solve Them

"You can't hold on to a dime. Do you own... Read More

Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair

The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free... Read More

The Evolution of Love

Songs have been saying it for generations together. Ask anyone... Read More

Girl Talk - Boy Talk

Chas and Dave wrote a song about it and how... Read More

An Introduction to Relationships

"Love makes the world go around" was true when it... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More

The Egoistic Friend

What are friends for and how can a friendship be... Read More

Friendship - A Relation of Choice!

IntroductionHave you ever heard or have you ever seen, father-son;... Read More

Being Mindful of Your Mates Space

SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to... Read More

Communication in Dating

Does your dating relationship have good communication? Communication during dating... Read More

Couples - Learn to Work Together to Solve Problems

Q. There has to be some way around the continuing... Read More

Mairi

Mairi came into my life about two years ago. She... Read More

Passion Drought: Turning the Fizzle Back Into Sizzle In Your Relationship; Part 1

IntroductionMany gay men in both short and long-term relationships report... Read More

Romantic Tips ? Gift Giving

I believe that we have all heard of the standard... Read More

Dont Be A Doormat in Your Relationship

There comes a point in every relationship when the person... Read More