Why We Chose The Person We Love

"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -- George Santayana

"Why do I always wind up with the wrong person? I want someone who is kind, loving, reliable and open. Yet my relationships are always with men who are angry, hostile, emotionally unavailable and cannot keep a job."

"I want a woman who is emotionally stable and independent, but I always wind up with women who are overly dramatic, tend to hysteria and depend on me to make their decisions."

These are common problems brought to me by clients. They blame bad luck, coincidence or accident for winding up with the exact opposite of the type of person they say they prefer in a relationship.

One very attractive female marketing manager in her mid thirties agonized - "If I went to a party and there were fifty men in the room - and 49 were college graduates who were business or professional men - and the 50th was a high-school dropout with a felony police record - number 50 and I would somehow find each other."

We make our relationship choices based on life experiences accumulated from childhood. We subconsciously integrate these experiences and react from them to current situations.

Children's psyches are like unwritten slates. The messages we receive from our parents are stored upon them as if etched in stone. We internalize these messages and accept them without question as we mature because in the child's mind, mommy and daddy - who are our ultimate authority figures - said it is so!

When a little girl has a father who is physically present but emotionally absent and does not provide her with the love and nurturing she needs, she will grow up with a big empty space in her heart where that love should have been. The message - although unspoken - tells her that she is not important and not deserving of love.

This little girl will subconsciously seek a man with her father's rejecting characteristics - so she can relive her initial relationship - and this time she will win.

When a little boy grows up with a weak and dependent mother who increasingly leans on him in his father's absence, he is put in an adult situation inappropriate to his years. Although in manhood he states he resents female dependency, he is used to taking the role of rescuer and naturally will gravitate to women with emotional broken wings that need fixing.

In our adult relationships, we seek to create situations in which we are comfortable - regardless of their dysfunctionality. If you grew up in a chaotic home, you will subconsciously tend to chaotic relationships. Our home environment, how we were raised, is what we consider normal.

Our adult relationships follow a pattern. A simple exercise will reveal that pattern to you. Write the names of all of the people with whom you have had a significant relationship. Under each name, list all the negative characteristics you can remember - for instance: bad temper, continually late for dates, poor money manager, etc.

After you have completed your list, review the character traits that are shared by your dating partners. Circle or yellow high-lite these recurring traits and you will see the emergence of a pattern.

While discussing the concept of this article with a friend, she was motivated to make the list and was uncomfortable with the fact that these traits stood out among her three past serious relationships: aggressive personality, alcoholism, and emotional unavailability.

I helped my friend work thru her feelings about this new realization as I did with my clients. Awareness of the pattern is the first step to changing it. Talking about it with a therapist or trusted friend is the next important step because you are then exposing this destructive pattern to the light and can carry this awareness with you when you begin your next relationship.

Be assured - patterns are not etched in stone. They can be changed with awareness and work.

About The Author

Terri Arnold, MS (Spicy Grandma) has been a Psychotherapist for over twenty years. She invites you to visit her friendly, interactive and informative 50+ dating community at http://www.spicy-senior-singles.com.

spicysrsingles@aol.com

---

Should I Leave This Relationship?

How do you know when it's time to say goodbye... Read More

Trust Starts with You

"I have a hard time trusting people.""I never feel like... Read More

Do You Love Reading The Daily Horoscopes, Part I

Have you ever wondered why you feel an instant attraction... Read More

Friends and Friendship - Who are Friends, What is Friendship

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is... Read More

Two Easy Steps To Finding Joy In All Your Relationships

Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy.... Read More

Desirous Attachment , the Trap and the Solution

I've seen a lot in my life. A lot of... Read More

Easy Ways to Turn Any Evening Romantic

If you don't have the time, money or energy to... Read More

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Dear Candace,My fiancé and I just broke up, and I... Read More

Great Relationships: 4 More Dumb MIstakes and 4 Smarter Moves to Make

1) Treat the family you have come from as more... Read More

To Love Forever

Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives... Read More

Romancing The Senses

Romance can be experienced in numerous ways, but it is... Read More

Ulterior Motive

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7,... Read More

How Do We Know When A Relationship Has A Future?

In many instances, we all are "gun shy" after a... Read More

Why Some Women Are Desperate

I asked Dave how he was doing since it was... Read More

Nip Verbal Abuse in the Bud

So often in a new relationship we learn the dynamic... Read More

Recharging Your Relationship

Now you may ask why we would write an article... Read More

A Man Drought In Australasia - Bugger! Age is Against Me

Men wanted desperately, it's official. The increasing surplus of high... Read More

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 2

The first step toward being able to attract and create... Read More

How to Get Over a Breakup

This is one of the most difficult parts of a... Read More

For Soul Mates: Will you grow or stagnate? Divine Source through Barbara Rose

Some soul mate couples refuse to grow. They refuse to... Read More

Healing The Mid-Life Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live... Read More

Understanding Your Teen Relationship

Teen relationships are touchy things. Girls are often ready for... Read More

Is The Internet A Miracle Cure For Loneliness?

A few years ago a surprising survey discovered that people... Read More

Holy Mantrimony

In the last couple of weeks, the catholic war machine... Read More

Love - Entrepreneur Style

For many of us, love has become a distant ideal.... Read More

How realistic are we?

So often when we think of our ideal mate we... Read More

What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold

Everything was great.We had been dating for 6 months. We... Read More

Building the Bond in Your Relationship

A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a... Read More

The Sting

Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28,... Read More

The Male Rating System

While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed... Read More

Relationship Conflict: The 3 Cs of Resolving Conflict

"And they lived happily ever after.........."Yeah right.Perhaps I'm a little... Read More

Long Distance Relationships - How to Make it Work

Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm... Read More

Jewish Dating: It Pays to Date Other Like-Minded People

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's... Read More