Fight, Flight, or Loving Action

Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano?.

Fight or flight - today we automatically respond this way to the present dangers, the deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and engulfment - fears of loss of other and loss of self.

Often, when we feel rejected and fear the loss of the other, we fight for love not to go away by defending, explaining, blaming, attacking, complying, fixing, or we flee through withdrawal. Often, when we feel engulfed and fear losing ourselves through being controlled by another, we flee through resistance or withdrawal, or fight by attacking, defending, or explaining. Just as our ancestors fought or fled from physical danger, we fight and flee from emotional danger. The problem is that, while fight or flight is appropriate in the face of physical danger, this same behavior in the face of emotional fear causes deep problems in relationships.

When we respond automatically to the fears of losing ourselves and losing another, we behave in the very ways that create fear in the other. Our fight or flight reactions create fear in the other person - the same fears of losing themselves or losing us. Our fighting and fleeing activates others' fear of rejection and engulfment, creating a vicious circle of fighting and fleeing.

These unconscious, automatic reactions to emotional danger were learned long ago, when we were very small and had to rely on fight or flight as part of our survival. Today they are now longer necessary for our survival, and need to be replaced with loving actions toward ourselves and others.

What does it mean to take loving action in the face of another's fight or flight behavior? Where do we get the role modeling for what it looks like to take loving action in the face of another's unloving behavior? Most of us had parents who did not role model loving action in the face of conflict. We have not seen much of it on TV or in movies. How do we learn to take loving action in our own behalf when in conflict with another - action that takes care of ourselves without violating or threatening another?

This role modeling exists in the form of our spiritual Guidance. Tapping into this Guidance is not as hard as you may think - it just takes practice and a deep desire to move out of fight or flight and into loving action.

The steps we can take to move out of automatic fight or flight and into loving actions are:

1. Start to attend to your feelings, the physical sensations within your body that let you know when you are anxious or afraid.

2. Stop and breathe when you feel fear or anxiety in the face of conflict, or in the face of another's fight or flight behavior. Give yourself some breathing time to make a conscious decision rather than go on automatic pilot.

3. Open to learning with the source of spiritual Guidance that is always here for all of us by asking with a sincere desire to know, "What is the loving action? What is in my highest good and the highest good of the other?" Asking this question with a deep desire to learn opens the door to receiving information. It does not matter whether you are asking this of your own highest self within, or from an external source of wisdom. The information will come in the form of words, pictures, or feelings when you sincerely want to be loving to yourself and others.

4. Take action on the information you receive.

Examples of loving action are:

1. Move into compassion for the other person, recognizing that he or she would not be in fight or flight without being in fear. Asking the other person, again from a deep desire to learn, what he or she is afraid of that is causing this behavior may de-escalate the situation and lead to understanding and healing.

2. If the other person is not open to calm discussion and exploration of the conflict, disengage from the interaction, speaking your truth without anger or blame. For example, you might say, "I don't want to fight with you. I'm going to take a walk and let's try to talk about it later." Or, "This isn't feeling good between us. Let's take a break and get together later."

3. If the other person has withdrawn from you, loving action may be to do something fun or nurturing for yourself.

Both staying and learning together or taking some time apart to reflect on the issues or self-nurture will break the cycle of each person going into fight or flight in reaction to the other person's fight or flight. It takes conscious practice to stop going into automatic behavior, but the payoff is well worth the time it takes to practice loving action.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

---

What Men Want From Women

Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every... Read More

Why He May Be Cheating On You

Why He May Be Cheating On YouThere could be all... Read More

What Do the Words ?I Don?t Love You Anymore? Really Mean?

Have you been blindsided by an unhappy spouse who suddenly... Read More

Global Conflict and Inter-Religious Dialogue: The Importance of Understanding Others

As is learned in the study of Comparative Religion, the... Read More

Relationship Conflict: Lock Horns or Lock Arms

One of my favorite comic strips growing up was "The... Read More

Relationship Advice: A Few Observations on Marriage and Relationships

Here are a few observations on marriage and relationships.Information ExplosionJust... Read More

Building the Bond in Your Relationship

A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a... Read More

If He Insists That You Work...

Once, when asked about her life, former First Lady Barbara... Read More

Cutting the Cord

Sometimes, after a relationship has ended, many of us have... Read More

Real Solutions For Combatting Extreme Shyness

Most people experience some degree of shyness from time to... Read More

Beware of Becoming a Professional Online Dater

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people find their "perfect... Read More

Love - Entrepreneur Style

For many of us, love has become a distant ideal.... Read More

Gay Breakups: When the Rainbow Ends

Introduction"It just hit me out of the blue when Mike... Read More

Dont Be A Doormat in Your Relationship

There comes a point in every relationship when the person... Read More

ARC of Understanding

In relationship we all make mistakes and sometimes we are... Read More

The 4 Deadly Mistakes of Wife Seduction

When a guy gets turned down over and over again... Read More

Happily Single v Happily Married

Have you noticed how so many people spend their lives... Read More

A Kiss is Never Just a Kiss!

"Kiss: a secret told to the mouth instead of to... Read More

And They Didnt Even Know I was Looking: Lessons on Love from My Parents

I came from good people. I didn't always know that.You... Read More

Do You Enable?

We all have behaviors, tendencies, patterns, and the keen ability... Read More

Guys Guide To Flowers

We are here to help! With these helpful hints on... Read More

Swinging! Will My Spouse Be Interested?

How does one talk his/her spouse into living the Swinging... Read More

Jewish Dating: It Pays to Date Other Like-Minded People

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's... Read More

Tips For Proper Kissing Etiquette!

Many cultures have customary kissing etiquettes. The French for instance... Read More

Reading Each Others Mind

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard... Read More

Communicate What You Feel: How to be Understood By Those You Love

Good communication is of fundamental importance in intimate relationships. The... Read More

Pay Attention! Mastering Communication Skills with Women

One of the biggest complaints women have about men is... Read More

Friendship - A Relation of Choice!

IntroductionHave you ever heard or have you ever seen, father-son;... Read More

How A Phony Persona Always Hurts You

'Be yourself', isn't that what you've always heard? It certainly... Read More

How Do I Get Him or Her To Talk To Me?!!!

This is a common concern in our society for single... Read More

Relationship Tips: 16 Practical Dramatic Ways to Know if He/She is REALLY Changing

Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis... Read More

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes--Celebrity Romance

Actors Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a hard... Read More

7 Steps To Creating A Healthy Relationship

Everything in life, in order to be a success, requires... Read More