How To (Wo)man Your Boundaries

The first time I ever heard "boundaries" mentioned, it was by my then husband. He informed me that I had to protect and hold his boundaries. (There was nothing that man wouldn't dump at my door!)

It took me a long while to learn:

a)what boundaries were

b)that he was responsible for his own boundaries

c)that I had boundaries too

For women who've been through an abusive relationship, it can be hard to understand about boundaries; and harder still to establish them. Their lives are like great open stretches of country that pretty well anyone can ride roughshod over. (When the steppes are that open, it's not that surprising that a Ghenghis Khan-like figure will gallop across them on a mangy steed, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.)

These women may be able to be utterly uncompromising on little things. A couple I've worked with were adamant that hell could freeze over before an obscenity would ever pass their lips. Yet they'd let people take advantage of them endlessly with barely a murmur. Because they had no effective boundaries.

So what are boundaries? High walls and fortified defences are not boundaries, both because they leave the person inside them in a constant state of siege and because they can always be breached.

For me, boundaries are a series of gates into different areas of your life that you decide to open or close at will. Whether you choose to open them, or not, depends on whether you judge the person standing at them to be trustworthy.

Every area of your life where you feel even remotely vulnerable is a boundary. You have a perfect right, even a duty to yourself, to choose whether or not to let someone through any one of your gates. You don't even have to be consistent. What's right for you today, might be wrong tomorrow. That's fine too. What's right with one person may be totally wrong with another.

At this point you need to ask yourself where you truly stand in your own universe. If you stand somewhere on the periphery (or deep in space), you can't possibly police all the gates into your universe. Marauders can invade from every direction before you can possibly mobilise yourself to close the gates.

When you stand at the centre of your universe then you have more or less 360 degree vision. You can keep a watchful eye on all the gates.

When you put yourself at the centre of your universe, you occupy the best position from which to (wo)man your boundaries.

And the curious thing is this: if a boundary is (wo)manned, most people won't even try to breach it.

I coach women into developing strong boundaries.

(C) 2005 Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie helps women to create strong boundaries, so they can learn to build healthy, nurturing relationships where they can give and receive the love they want, safely.

Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

---

9 Myths About Being Single

More than 48% of US households are headed by unmarried... Read More

Your Next Relationship - Heaven or Hell?

We've all had relationships that we've looked back on and... Read More

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part I)

When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many... Read More

Attraction vs. Love

When we first meet someone, regardless of the way or... Read More

Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships

It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the... Read More

How to Increase Romance with Humor

Ask any single adult what qualities he or she wants... Read More

To Love Forever

Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives... Read More

Lobster - The Food Of Romantics

Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes... Read More

Communication Is The Key To A Lasting Relationship

"If you are trying to find ways to lead a... Read More

Creative Visualizations for Love

To manifest love through creative visualization, you first need to... Read More

Relationhip Advice: How to Have Fun Together

Work. Bills. Kids. Chores.Etc.All these things get in the way... Read More

To Know You Is To Love You

How do you show someone you love them? Do you... Read More

Is Your Negative Thinking Scaring Off Your Soul Mates?

Francine Bonnecelli* swore off relationships the day her husband of... Read More

Quick Tips for Writing Love Letters

* Be in a good mood when writing a love... Read More

Stand By Your Man: No Matter What?

We all heard the report of a prisoner escaping after... Read More

Buying Underwear For The Woman In Your Life - The Golden Rules

There are two golden rules for choosing underwear for the... Read More

Dont Ignore the Signs: How Emotional Infidelity Can Ruin Your Relationship

Emotional infidelity can start with a simple hi or a... Read More

Married and ECheating ? A Dreadful Alliance!

In Homer's Odyssey (a Greek Myth) sailors were lured to... Read More

Energize Your Relationship By Celebrating Hoodie-Hoo Day February 20th

What is Hoodie-Hoo Day and what does it have to... Read More

He?s So Loving (But He Has These Black Moods)

It's strange how often abused women tell you how loving... Read More

7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships

A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners... Read More

A Look at Interracial Relationships

There's something about America, our history, our values or maybe... Read More

Womens Cosmic Personality Quiz: Are You a Star Woman or an Earth Mother?

Star Women are visionary leaders, and focused on the future.... Read More

Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?

My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers... Read More

Top 10 Ideas to Revive a Fizzling Relationship

Love is exciting, and when a relationship is new, almost... Read More

Relationship Advice: Safety, Intimacy, and Fun

When people come in for marriage counseling, they bring their... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Prevent a Break Up

The question I am asked most often is: I think... Read More

Your Relationships Begin With You

As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself... Read More

Healing The Mid-Life Love Crisis

All I wanted was to fall in love and live... Read More

Secrets of the Opposite Sex

Secrets of the Opposite SexMany jokes, problems, and conversations revolve... Read More

How Do I Get Him or Her To Talk To Me?!!!

This is a common concern in our society for single... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 3 - The Jealousy Syndrome

Jealousy, unfortunately it seems to pop up sometime in even... Read More