Thriving As A Family When You Live In The Fast lane

It is extraordinary times that we find ourselves in. Change is now an entrenched way of life. Most of us don't blink when new piece of technology comes out. Just the other day I read about the death of the desktop computer. The big lump of plastic and glass that used to sit on my desk has been replaced by a laptop. Email is quickly making those twentieth communication icons, the telephone and the fax, redundant. The way we live, do business, even shop is undergoing rapid change.

Living successfully is now about keeping up, staying ahead or staying on top of things. It is hard work. Business is constantly asked to grow or reinvent itself so employees are always learning new skills to improve productivity or just to keep up. There is little opportunity to rest or time to stand still and smell the metaphorical flowers.

More and more we live our lives in the fast lane with one eye on the road ahead and the one eye in the rear view mirror sort of glancing at the scenery as we leave it behind.

For many adults life has few margins for error. Whether you have children or not life is about timetables, structure, routines and being organised. You miss an appointment at work or your child becomes sick and your whole day can be thrown out.

The language of the boardroom and the battleground is now common place - words like bottom lines, tactics, strategies are now common when we talk about relationships. Relationships like life are now something to be managed rather than lived.

Whether you have kids or not life is hectic these days. Those with jobs are working harder and longer hours. According to recent Australian Bureau of Statistics figures about 30% of the workforce spend 50 hours or more at work, which is double the figures for 1984.

The number of couples where both work has increased to the point where working couples are the norm rather than the exception as they were in the 1950's and 60's. Working and parenting has unique demands with one or sometimes both partners working a double shift - first at work then at home caring for kids.

Life in the fast lane means we parent and partner differently than our own parents which can be the source of a great deal of guilt. The ghosts from the past are extremely strong.

Despite the fact that many couples today live in the fast lane or even out of step with their own parents they can still have fulfilling relationships with their partners. It takes effort and creativity to nourish your relationship. The following seven ideas may help you and your partner stay together as you live your life in the fats lane.

1. Ritualise times together.

We all know that it is important for couples to spend time together to kindle a little romance or just to stay in touch but finding the time is the challenge. We may have good intentions but never get around to putting those intentions into action. The solution is to have some ritualised meeting opportunities that always happen barring a catastrophe. Meet for a coffee once a fortnight, have a regular weekend without the children or a regular time at the movies, which is just for you. Plan your activities around your meeting time rather than your meeting time around other activities. Oh and don't talk about the kids. It is couple time, not family time.

2. Swap your dreams and aspirations.

You need joint dreams and goals to work toward but you also need your individual dreams and aspirations. But you need to check with your partner every now and then to make sure you are both moving in the same direction. Recently my wife told me of her dream to take some time-off work to travel around Australia with our family. It came as a shock because they were counter to my dreams and aspirations, which largely revolved around work. My wife and I are now working toward a plan that will accommodate both sets of dreams.

3. Give your partner the space to grow and do things as an individual.

We all need self-nourishment if we are to be effective partners and parents. We need to time away to have a break or to pursue a part of life that doesn't belong to our family. My wife goes to gym regularly while I enjoy being a member of a number of voluntary committees. Neither of us know much about what the other does at their activities and to be truthful neither of us cares too much. But we both accommodate each other by minding the children and keeping our diaries free to allow each other the chance to maintain our separate interests.

4. Support each other as parents.

The notion of teamwork is important when raising kids. Parents can support each other in the following ways:

* Recognise that parents and children have different needs at different stages. Mothers have a need to bond with babies and dads tend to be a support act at this stage. Boys have strong need to build strong relationships with their fathers around the age of six and again at the age of thirteen. So mothers may need to stand back a little and make sure that fathers and sons have the chance to spend time together.

* Keep talking to each other about kids and what is happening in their lives. Sometimes it is easy to overlook that they are growing up or perhaps having difficulties. Keep each other informed.

* Share the discipline and caring roles. As many parents tell me it is hard work being the 'bad guy' all the time. Give each other break by taking individual responsibility for different areas or times of the day.

* Understand your own and your partner's family of origin and its impact on parenting. Make an effort to accommodate your partner's parenting style even though it may be different than your own.

5. Have regular down-times to build the Emotional Bank Account that you share with your partner.

Shared enjoyable experiences create those fond memories that strengthen the bonds between people. When couples first go out they spend a great deal of time building their emotional bank account - the memories are special and the emotional bank account bulges. But we also make withdrawals when we are critical, argue or neglect to attend to each other's needs. The bank account can easily go into overdraft unless we spend some time replenishing it. This is what down-times are all about. Taking the time on a regular basis to do little but enjoy each other's company and make some deposits in your joint emotional bank accounts.

6. Keep work and home separate.

We can be at home but our heads can be at work so make sure that you leave your work behind when you come through the door at night. Some couples have a regular clean-out opportunity where they talk about their respective days for ten minutes or so then they leave it behind.

7. Work out household tasks according to common sense and availability rather than sex roles or income.

It is amazing how many households still organise their domestic tasks around traditional sex roles - men's work and women's work. Let's move on and break down these rigid divisions even though we may be going against our families of origin. The three parenting roles of domestic helper, carer and provider are now up for grabs.

There is little doubt that staying together in a fast-paced life takes work and commitment. But it can happen. It is a matter of taking control of your lives together and being a little creative about how you live. We are all social pioneers as we learn to live and love together in the 21st Century.

Michael Grose is Australia's leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print.

For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.

---

Uniforms

Direct Answers - Column for the week of May 31,... Read More

Some Good News About Blended Families

They Spur Members To Grow EmotionallyTatiana Tannenbaum grappled with a... Read More

Is Your Teen Swamped with Homework and Tests?

I hear from many parents that their child is stressed... Read More

A Place For Everything: Its Childs Play

What parent hasn't gone into a son's or daughter's room... Read More

Discipline on My Mind

I look out of the window as I am writing... Read More

Avoid Weight Problems In Children

Although, not a well publicized statistic, childhood obesity has more... Read More

Single Parenting: How The Challenge Of Single Parenting Affects Your Decision To Divorce

Single parenting has seemingly become an acceptable norm which is... Read More

The Importance of Mothers

Moms, did you ever question your value as a role... Read More

Revering the Crayon Marks

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine,... Read More

What is Incest?

Incest is sexual activity, ranging from fondling to intercourse, between... Read More

The Thing with Quality Time

It's funny how people seem to think that they have... Read More

Potty Training Battle of the Wills

Some children practically potty train themselves, while others struggle and... Read More

Child ADHD - Deciding Where to Draw the Line

The wonderful adaptability of children in dealing with the challenges... Read More

Will My Doubts and Fears Affect My Child?

"Will my doubts and fears affect my child?" This father... Read More

Raising A High Maintenance Child

Do you have a high maintenance child?"Thank goodness my second... Read More

Blended Families Can Be Successful

Many families today are blending members from past relationships. It... Read More

Why Fathers Are Such a Necessary Component in the Raising of Their Children.

The first year of a child's life is the most... Read More

Aquini Potty Training Dolls - A Great Tool For Potty Training!

Corolle Paul or Emma Drink-and-Wet SET potty dollsThis is the... Read More

Teaching Kids the Value of Money

My husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter who wanted... Read More

Fizzy Sherbet ? A Sweet Science Lesson for Your Kids!

Fizzy sherbet in a paper bag with a strawberry lollipop... Read More

Strong-willed Kids: Raising a Spirited Child

Sometimes a change of perspective can make a huge difference... Read More

Useful Jogger Stroller Accessories

There are many useful jogger stroller accessories out on the... Read More

Why Modern Moms Are Going Back to the Basics ? The Evolution of the Cloth Diaper

Having a baby is one of the most exciting times... Read More

How to Stop Bad Behavior Before it Starts

Coping with a child's bad behavior, perhaps more than any... Read More

How Public Schools Lie to Parents and Betray Our Children

Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose... Read More

Considering Daycare? Consider the Pros and Cons

When you're a parent it's a difficult decision to know... Read More

To Test or Not To Test - That Is the Question

Little Suzy has really been having a hard time getting... Read More

Ten Reasons to Tell your Kids Stories

In today's busy world, many parents have lost the art... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: What Parents Say About Teens

What is hard for parentsLetting them learn from their mistakes.Trying... Read More

Adolescence - Clues and Advice

Be sure to respect the intellectual changes that mark adolescence.... Read More

Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson Never Went To Public School

Most of our Founding Fathers, including Ben Franklin, Sam Adams,... Read More

Non-Compliance in Your Children, Some Tips for Parents

Non-compliance is the family therapist's big word for your child... Read More

When Kids Hurt Parents

The cruel callous remarks made by our offspring can sometimes... Read More