A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they're boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

---

The Work-from-home Fashion Primer

Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online... Read More

Norm Goldman Interviews Comedienne Fran Capo,the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking

Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel & Bookpleasures is delighted... Read More

If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart)

Banish Loans ForeverIf ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank... the... Read More

Dumb Luck

I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I... Read More

Space, and the Room for It

Space exploration came a long way since I was the... Read More

Mexican Spaminator

When we decided to move to Mexico, one of the... Read More

Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar... Read More

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never... Read More

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More

Tales of a Spectator Spectator

Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just... Read More

The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05

Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food?... Read More

The Worlds First Comedian?

If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must... Read More

Your Stars Part 3

LibraHit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our... Read More

He Had It Coming, Your Honor

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around... Read More

Voodoo Munchies

Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the... Read More

The Hidden Driveway

I won't lie: there are a lot of things I... Read More

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my... Read More

Starbucks Going into Hilton

Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong,... Read More

Sweet Vengeance Purrfected

I love animals but cats are my favorites. There's just... Read More

Computers According to Carol

A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.B... Read More

How I Spent my Summer Vacation

One of the best parts of a vacation is the... Read More

If, An Online Marketers Internet Addiction Poem, Can You Relate to This?

IF, An Online Internet Marketing PoemIf before you have turned... Read More

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in... Read More

How to Build a Cobblestone House

He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house... Read More

Cant Get There From Here

... Read More

Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments,... Read More

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail.... Read More

Marines Dont Take Crap

We... Read More

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst... Read More

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health... Read More