A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?

A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know they're boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Richard Chapo is a San Diego business lawyer with http://www.sandiegobusinesslawfirm.com and is rumored to have a sense of humor. Then again, you never know with rumors.

In The News:


pen paper and inkwell


cat break through


Finding Lost Children

A couple of days ago I had to go to... Read More

Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato

Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.... Read More

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little... Read More

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is... Read More

New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst

Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in... Read More

Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus, Raise

While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of... Read More

The Worlds First Comedian?

If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must... Read More

Marines Dont Take Crap

We... Read More

The Work-from-home Fashion Primer

Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online... Read More

Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar... Read More

Important Safety Tip$

I was given a list of Do's and Don'ts of... Read More

25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet

A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection... Read More

Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe

My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard.... Read More

Setting History Straight

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the... Read More

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves... Read More

The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand)... Read More

Sweet Vengeance Purrfected

I love animals but cats are my favorites. There's just... Read More

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail.... Read More

American Independence ? The True Story

It was late in 1775, and King George III was... Read More

The Spare Parts Gremlins

Don't you just love getting a little something extra? Sure... Read More

Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

This column is long overdue. To put it in library... Read More

3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices

I have heard the rumblings of many of you in... Read More

Slip-sliding On A Peel

Every day, or at least every other day, we make... Read More

Starbucks Going into Hilton

Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong,... Read More

Cant Get There From Here

... Read More

If, An Online Marketers Internet Addiction Poem, Can You Relate to This?

IF, An Online Internet Marketing PoemIf before you have turned... Read More

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American'... Read More

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More

Humor Under The Keyboards

For me, the piano is the symbol of what is... Read More

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More