Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but I'd like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I can't wait until the space creatures read this in the year 2577. Maybe they will e-mail me when they do, just so I feel like my previous sentence came with a purpose...

As far as my purpose, I'd like to address the issue of valet parking this week because, quite frankly, I think it's the worst system in the world. If I was still on that library kick, I'd add that Dewey Decimal - if that is his real name - would be laughing in his grave. Now I understand that this is a "fancy" way to park because someone is doing the parking for you, and anytime someone does something for you, it's automatically fancy. The same ideology is what makes room service more than just expensive food. I also know the argument that valet parking is a privilege, because instead of having to park your own car into a visibly tight spot, some random person will park your car into an area that you can't see because that's how special it is. Privileges aside, this worries me because if you took away the voluntary nature of the system, it would be considered grand theft auto...

That's right - valet parking is the one time when we are basically telling a stranger, "Go ahead, steal my car. I trust that it'll be here later." And sure, virtually 100% of the time it is. But what about that 0% of the time when your car just isn't there and that valet parker turns out to be a person who knows how to find the appropriate attire online? Furthermore, what is the guarantee that your stuff inside the car will still be there? This is a time period when the valet can do anything he wants with your car - change the radio station, eat your food, kill your friend still sitting in the passenger seat - so we need to think more carefully about why we continue to utilize this system...

Some would say that the system is faster, but oftentimes the self-parking area is right next to the valet. Others would add that valet allows someone else to hold your keys, and if that is supposed to be a good thing, then why don't we just hand in our wallets at the door as well? So, when it comes down to it, speed and convenience aren't prominent enough to be used as valid evidence (I am really tackling the legal terms in this column)...

To prove the risk of valet parking further, I must question why we don't hire random house sitters. You know, just stop a passerby and ask him to stay at your house for three days while you're gone, and in return you'll let him eat all the fish sticks from the freezer he wants - even though you don't have a freezer - and he can pet your dog twice. Or, since I'm on the animal kick, why don't people who walk their dogs in a park just switch dogs temporarily with someone else? This is essentially what valet parking is, except that parking isn't a two-way trade. If it were a two-way system, I guess that would have to be called "parallel" parking, but I'll have to save that for a different column (note to self: please don't)...

Unless required by law or the front-seat passenger, I will continue to park my own car. I am not implying that I want valets to lose their jobs. Rather, I am just noting that I don't want them to do anything. I guess that would make them government officials...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

---

The Language of Appalachia

Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few... Read More

Voodoo Munchies

Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the... Read More

Setting History Straight

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the... Read More

Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar... Read More

Finding Lost Children

A couple of days ago I had to go to... Read More

American Independence ? The True Story

It was late in 1775, and King George III was... Read More

Important Safety Tip$

I was given a list of Do's and Don'ts of... Read More

Pee Here Now

Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my... Read More

Tales of a Spectator Spectator

Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just... Read More

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much... Read More

Marines Dont Take Crap

We... Read More

Military Wives

I... Read More

Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe

My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard.... Read More

If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart)

Banish Loans ForeverIf ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank... the... Read More

He Had It Coming, Your Honor

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around... Read More

Very Precise Fortune Cookies

I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little... Read More

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his... Read More

Mexican Spaminator

When we decided to move to Mexico, one of the... Read More

Maybelle Misfire Joins Mega Corp

To: Maybelle Misfire From: I. M.. Power, VP Welcome aboard!... Read More

The Work-from-home Fashion Primer

Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online... Read More

Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories

Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital... Read More

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health... Read More

Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato

Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.... Read More

Funny Things We Dream

I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready... Read More

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come... Read More

The Worlds First Comedian?

If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must... Read More

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a... Read More

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American'... Read More

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

I will start this by saying that yes, I did... Read More

25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet

A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection... Read More

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is... Read More