Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never sleeps" should visit The Maternity Ward. My recent visit included a drop-in on several screenings of "A Star Is Born" at the late-show theatre, right near Mama's Breast (all night milk bar) and Papa's Gas Station ("We burp you on your way.").

To a chorus of infant cries, I drafted this column at 1:00 a.m. Of course, it was 3:00 p.m. in Tokyo, so I suppose it wasn't so late after all.

The whole experience of birthing seems to be a very traumatic way to build a family. Fortunately, it did lead to two very happy results. It gave me a new daughter, Lauralee, the Little Sister. And it taught me some valuable lessons, which it is my patriotic duty to share with you.

The first lesson ? all men, take note ? is that my wife is my hero.

As the husband, I experienced the whole birthing outburst second-hand. After careful observation, I conclude that this is the best way to experience it. (Apparently I had some first-hand experience over 40 years ago, but I can't remember too many details.)

Most husbands suffer great humiliation during childbirth. Wives hurl razor-sharp insults like "I hate you!" and "You fink!" and "You did this to me!" and "I HATE YOU!!!" My wife, truly original even in pure agony, didn't use any of those words. In fact, she didn't say a thing. Instead, she threw up on me.

Of course, I don't hold the throwing up against her. The second lesson I wish to share with you is the importance of forgiving people who act in haste, in anger, or in excruciating pain from pushing a six-inch wide baby through a one-inch wide hole in their bodies.

Did I mention that this was a "natural" childbirth? Natural, as in no painkillers. OK, so there was the epidural, which should have relieved the pain, if even one of the four dosage increases had worked. And I suppose you could call morphine and nubain painkillers if they had actually killed any pain.

So my wife, with a permanent back condition amplifying the stab of every contraction and reverberating it through the spine with no momentary relief between contractions, felt every glorious minute ? 487 in all ? of the unplanned "natural" childbirth. Did I mention that she is my hero? The third lesson is, when the best-laid plans go astray, improvise (which might explain the throwing up ? I have reason to believe it was not planned, either).

My wife's trauma was nothing compared to what Little Sister overcame. Her shoulders got stuck, pinching the umbilical cord and cutting the oxygen supply from her not-quite-yet-born brain. To do the equivalent, you would have to press your shoulder up into your nose, while a bulldozer on steroids pushes you in a river of blood through your mailbox. (Don't try this at home, folks.)

Thanks to Quick Thinking Doctor, the focused team of nurses, and a well-sharpened pair of scissors, Little Sister is enjoying great suction at the all-night milk bar with no more damage than a limp arm. (That's "brachial plexus injury" in medicalese.) The arm will hopefully recover. Even if it doesn't, we know what the alternative would have been ... and we do not look good in black. Lesson number four is to appreciate what you have rather than worry about what you don't.

The Maternity Ward offers far too many lessons to share with you now. My fatigue is overtaking me. I feel like a wad of gum squished on the asphalt, baked in the sun, and stuck on a motorcycle tire burning rubber on a gravel trail. Ha! Bet you never felt like that in New York, New York.

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy. To receive his satirical happiness column weekly in your inbox, sign up at http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html

Info@TheHappyGuy.com

---

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions.... Read More

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an... Read More

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves... Read More

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

I will start this by saying that yes, I did... Read More

Your Stars Part 3

LibraHit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our... Read More

Finding Lost Children

A couple of days ago I had to go to... Read More

Cheer-Leadership or All I Need to Know About Business I Learned from Cheerleading

Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea... Read More

The Work-from-home Fashion Primer

Last week, I reported how writers, stay-at-home parents and online... Read More

Military Wives

I... Read More

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come... Read More

Internet is My True Agent

You know the type -- that doodling type. Every time... Read More

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never... Read More

The Army Corp of Engineers Having Issues Fixing Breach

The Army Corp of engineers is having a tough time... Read More

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health... Read More

The Hidden Driveway

I won't lie: there are a lot of things I... Read More

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and... Read More

Maybelle Misfire Joins Mega Corp

To: Maybelle Misfire From: I. M.. Power, VP Welcome aboard!... Read More

[Not So] Outgoing Mail

I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail.... Read More

Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan!

With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More

The Spare Parts Gremlins

Don't you just love getting a little something extra? Sure... Read More

He Had It Coming, Your Honor

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around... Read More

American Independence ? The True Story

It was late in 1775, and King George III was... Read More

Pee Here Now

Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my... Read More

Marines Dont Take Crap

We... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More

Space, and the Room for It

Space exploration came a long way since I was the... Read More

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is... Read More

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand)... Read More

Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato

Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.... Read More

Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around... Read More

To See Or Not To See

I went to the eye doctor the other day. I... Read More