Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week."

OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then. It's not something I would say to Attila the Hun during a pre-battle pep rally. But it was not Attila the Hun standing in front of me. It was just my buddy Bart.

"Pee-ew! You have bad breath."

So when the phone rang that night, the last person I expected to greet me in a cheery voice was Bad Breath Bart. "Hey, Happy Guy. I'm feeling great," he said. "Want to guess why?"

"You just won the gold medal for the ten-meter turkey toss?"

"Nope," he replied. "But thanks for the tip. I'll start training for it tomorrow."

"OK, I give up. Why do you feel so great?"

"Because I discovered an easy way to stop bad breath," he declared. "Want to guess how?"

"You bought a book on stopping bad breath and you are following the instructions?"

"Sa-ay, that's a good idea," Bad Breath Bart said. "But that's not it. My plan is even simpler. I covered up my bad breath."

"Bart, that won't work. Since Julius Caesar first invaded Paris and declared 'Veni Vidi Vino', people have been trying to cover up their breath. But mint just is not strong enough."

"Bingo!" he shouted. "Mint is too weak, so I found something stronger. Want to guess what?"

"You've been rinsing with five-week-old milk?"

"Nope."

"You've discovered that cologne is best taken internally?"

"Nope."

"You downed a bottle of vanilla extract, mistaking it for beer?"

"Nope."

This guessing game was giving me headaches and foot cramps. "I give up, Bart. What's your secret to stopping bad breath?"

"Garlic," he declared.

"Garlic?"

"Garlic. Now nobody can smell my bad breath, because all they smell is garlic," he beamed.

"Garlic?"

"Of course, there are some side effects," Bad Breath Bart noted. "For instance, my pet vampire has run away. And this afternoon I blew a kiss to my wife, and she slammed the door on my face."

"Can I offer an alternative, Bart? Something that won't put your nose in a cast every time you get the irresistible urge to blow at your wife?"

"Sure."

"Try using some mouthwash with cetylpyridinium chloride in it. That always works for me."

"Wow. That's a mouthful," Bad Breath Bart exclaimed.

I was glad to have finally given Bad Breath Bart a mouthful that would actually help him cure his problem. I did not anticipate the call I would receive the very next evening.

"Hey, Happy Guy. Thanks for the tip," Bad Breath Bart said. "That cetlip... cettap... centapyr... That unpronounceable mouthwash ingredient is superb."

"Excellent!" I was thrilled that he had taken my advice and that it was working so well.

"Yeah. It really tastes great," he continued.

"Tastes great?"

"You bet. And so filling, too."

Suddenly I felt an ominous sensation closing in. "What do you mean by 'filling'?"

"After taking that cetilp... cettep... certip... that unpronounceable concoction, I don't feel hungry anymore," he explained.

"Bart, what did you put in that concoction?"

"Oh, the usual ? ten scoops of ice cream, a cup or two of milk, a bag of chocolate chips, half a banana, some corn flakes, a wombat's ear and the juice out of the maraschino cherry jar," he responded.

"But that won't stop your bad breath."

"Oops. I also added that cetip... cetpe... certilp... that unpronounceable ingredient," he added. "It sure tasted good."

Just then, my wife entered the room. "Honey, I just made you one of your favorite banana-strawberry milkshakes," she said with a smile.

I looked at the glass she placed in my hand. I looked at it from the top. I looked at it from the bottom. I looked all around it.

"What are you looking for," she asked.

I knew she would not believe me. "Chocolate chips and corn flakes."

David Leonhardt is a freelance writer in eastern Ontario. Read a longer version about stopping Bad Breath Bart or get healthy with some of his (David's, not Bart's) all-natural liquid vitamin supplements.

---

Restaurant Manager Gives Out Sexual Favors As Performance Bonus, Raise

While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of... Read More

The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes?

This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand)... Read More

25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet

A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection... Read More

Important Safety Tip$

I was given a list of Do's and Don'ts of... Read More

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More

Mexican Spaminator

When we decided to move to Mexico, one of the... Read More

Cant Get There From Here

... Read More

The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More

Used Condom Found In Restaurant Salad Bar; Waiter Embarrassed To Tears

Evidence of after-hours activity turned up at a Big Boy... Read More

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and... Read More

The Hidden Driveway

I won't lie: there are a lot of things I... Read More

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions.... Read More

A French Teachers Memories: First Day at School

Despite my diplomas that allowed me to teach in state... Read More

The Language of Appalachia

Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few... Read More

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an... Read More

Stopping Bad Breath Bart

"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar... Read More

And the World Goes Round

If you are a citizen of UK or Australia, you... Read More

Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry

A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go... Read More

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

Starbucks Going into Hilton

Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong,... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More

Setting History Straight

Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the... Read More

Sell [Your] Phones

Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around... Read More

Freudian Slippage

Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the... Read More

Humor Under The Keyboards

For me, the piano is the symbol of what is... Read More

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05

Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food?... Read More

Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan!

With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More

How to Build a Cobblestone House

He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house... Read More

Tales of a Spectator Spectator

Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just... Read More

The Spare Parts Gremlins

Don't you just love getting a little something extra? Sure... Read More

Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories

Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital... Read More