When It Rains, It Pours: Creating a Plan

It's time for me to announce that I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there to stop people from stealing my jackets. Some of the skeletons actually wear the jackets so they don't get cold. That may seem strange to people, but never has a skeleton complained to me...

"And what if?" you may be thinking.

"What if what?" I may be thinking back to you.

"What if a skeleton complained?" you may clarify.

Obviously if that were the case, then I'd use my skeleton key to lock the door. There's nothing I hate more than cold or numb skulls complaining to me about the temperature...

Let the truth be known, though, that it is that time of year when the weather can be bad. Like, raining cats and dogs type of bad, but add hamsters and wind to it -- along with a sun that is so strong, it could fry ants with the help of a magnifying glass. A lot of people complain about rain, but they need to put things into perspective and imagine how much worse it'd be if that rain were snot instead. Or maybe tons o' snot, which would be horrifying and a palindrome at the same time...

If this snotfall ever occurs, we need to establish a plan. Since no one else has volunteered, let me be the first:

Plan A: Cover trees with tissues to absorb a lot of the damage.

Plan B: The same as Plan A except without the tissues.

Plan C: Wait until the next Harry Potter book comes out, and then let the people in line cast spells to eliminate the problem.

Plan D: Wait until the next spelling bee, and let the contestants spell "cast" to eliminate the problem.

It may seem like my plan will not contribute to eliminating a major disaster, but it is important that my help ends there. From this point on, all plans will be organized by my skeleton. Make no bones about it...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

---

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More

Do Americans Really Understand Irony?

Let me start by saying that 'I am an American'... Read More

Marines Dont Take Crap

We... Read More

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much... Read More

Cant Get There From Here

... Read More

11 Alternative Garden Games

Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come... Read More

Beyond Black and White

Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a... Read More

Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym

One of the great benefits of belonging to a health... Read More

Cloning Advantage Super Families

As the cloning debate of humankind continues we find ourselves... Read More

The Language of Appalachia

Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few... Read More

Valet Parking: Theft with Consent

This column is long overdue. To put it in library... Read More

Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments,... Read More

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

I will start this by saying that yes, I did... Read More

A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is... Read More

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an... Read More

If, An Online Marketers Internet Addiction Poem, Can You Relate to This?

IF, An Online Internet Marketing PoemIf before you have turned... Read More

Lactose Intolerant? It could be a good thing

Lactose Intolerant Individuals may prove a bonus in Space Missions.... Read More

He Had It Coming, Your Honor

This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around... Read More

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for... Read More

How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!

We all want attention. As children we crave the attention... Read More

Eye Spy Potatoes

Lately I've had the problem of falling asleep with my... Read More

Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech

Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in... Read More

25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet

A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection... Read More

Important Safety Tip$

I was given a list of Do's and Don'ts of... Read More

The Zapp Principle

My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More

The Hidden Driveway

I won't lie: there are a lot of things I... Read More

Dumb Luck

I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I... Read More

Voodoo Munchies

Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the... Read More

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More

Bad Days and Bad Timing

Have you ever noticed how family members always misbehave at... Read More

The Spare Parts Gremlins

Don't you just love getting a little something extra? Sure... Read More