Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof)

I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me...

To begin, I do realize that doughnut (or donut, take your pick) shops aren't the only places with these cups. But for the sake of this column, I need to be oblivious to all of the other ones in order to keep some sort of focus, so bear with me here...

Yogi: That's right, I am.

Smokey: Me too

At any rate, my first question is what we are tipping when we contribute extra change, sometimes even dollar bills, into the doughnut tip cup. Is it the way the employees stretch to grab the lemon-filled that is so challenging, or is coffee pouring more of an art than I thought it was? The thing is, I always end up tipping because it's become an obligation rather than a choice. Blood and jelly are the same color and I realize that...

Still, this tip cup could have its advantages. For example, doughnut establishments could use the money to fund research in the creation of new doughnuts. Personally, I'd like to know that my extra 15 cents per day was putting some college intern hard to work in order to find out if sprinkles really do taste better when they're multi-colored, or to see if crème mixed with pickle juice is such a bad idea after all. And then, when this research is complete (and thorough), I want to see my name somewhere on the official document...

Doughnut Shop Owner: Wait a minute, wait a minute -- you are getting way too carried away.

Greg: So are you. And it's about time someone stood up for the doughnut consumers of America.

Owner: That's ironic, considering most of them sit down.

Greg: True. But that's besides the point. I will only stop writing when you tell me why the tip cup is there.

Owner: I will, but I need you to keep this is a secret, okay?

Greg: Sounds good to me.

Owner: You see, we need advice -- like, really serious advice. And so we put that tip cup there hoping that we'd get it, and unfortunately people are missing the point.

Greg: Oh, I see. Well, I have some advice for you, sir.

Owner: Thank you, what is it?

Greg: Well, it'll cost you 50 cents...

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)

---

Essential Laughter

Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in... Read More

Silver Linings Are Everywhere

Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Let's... Read More

Important Safety Tip$

I was given a list of Do's and Don'ts of... Read More

Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories

Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital... Read More

Beyond Black and White

Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a... Read More

Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet

We all know the Internet is a great tool for... Read More

Poor Rixs Almanac 8-13-05

Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a... Read More

Sweet Vengeance Purrfected

I love animals but cats are my favorites. There's just... Read More

The Spare Parts Gremlins

Don't you just love getting a little something extra? Sure... Read More

The Patience of Job

Voltaire said, "God is a comedian playing to an... Read More

Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe

My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard.... Read More

Its All About Seeing the Signs

Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some... Read More

The Army Corp of Engineers Having Issues Fixing Breach

The Army Corp of engineers is having a tough time... Read More

Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward

Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never... Read More

Not Your Average Sunday Morning

Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his... Read More

Bed Bugs Bite

I just turned on the news a minute ago and... Read More

Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers

Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More

25 Reasons You Might Need to Wear a Welding Helmet

A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection... Read More

I Got to Play an April Fools Joke Before I was Born

I will start this by saying that yes, I did... Read More

Humans are like Monkeys

Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much... Read More

Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan!

With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More

Used Condom Found In Restaurant Salad Bar; Waiter Embarrassed To Tears

Evidence of after-hours activity turned up at a Big Boy... Read More

The Restaurant Chronicles, Part 1

Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go... Read More

Cant Get There From Here

... Read More

The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players

Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst... Read More

The Worlds First Comedian?

If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must... Read More

Computers According to Carol

A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.B... Read More

Humor Quotations - Top 35 Funny Quotations by Famous Comedians

"Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with... Read More

Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age

NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More

Bad Days and Bad Timing

Have you ever noticed how family members always misbehave at... Read More

If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart)

Banish Loans ForeverIf ordinary, hard-working, people ran the bank... the... Read More

Marines Dont Take Crap

We... Read More

Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant

Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More