I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices!
1. Don't Drive Your Car
This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less.
Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer?
2. Carpool
It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple.
Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by:
(a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill.
(b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper.
(c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc.
(d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud!
You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again.
3. Ride the Bus/Subway
Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines:
1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you.
2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you.
3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back.
4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging.
5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material.
Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you...
Tim Ward invites you to visit http://www.timward.1afm.com to subscribe to his humor column 'I Never Said I Was Normal'.
A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More
One of the great benefits of belonging to a health... Read More
Several years ago, I switched health insurance companies and my... Read More
A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.B... Read More
Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the... Read More
Tired of the same ol', same ol' when it come... Read More
Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst... Read More
I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail.... Read More
Watching the fans at a minor-league baseball game is just... Read More
How To Marry A Wealthy Guy(or Girl... Or at least... Read More
Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his... Read More
While many restaurant workers worry and sweat in anticipation of... Read More
This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand)... Read More
Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food?... Read More
In Southern Germany in a town by the name of... Read More
Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in... Read More
With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More
Despite my diplomas that allowed me to teach in state... Read More
My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard.... Read More
To: Maybelle Misfire From: I. M.. Power, VP Welcome aboard!... Read More
I... Read More
Don't you just love getting a little something extra? Sure... Read More
Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More
I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little... Read More
We all know the Internet is a great tool for... Read More
Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer.... Read More
If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must... Read More
Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea... Read More
There are many ways to be original these days. But... Read More
NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at... Read More
Have you ever heard that saying, "The show must go... Read More
Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel & Bookpleasures is delighted... Read More
My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More
It's time for me to announce that I have a... Read More
Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the... Read More
Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident... Read More
A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.B... Read More
I've never really thought of myself as being funny. I... Read More
Movie moments are nice things to share with the people... Read More
LibraHit TV show 'The X Factor' is back on our... Read More
Space exploration came a long way since I was the... Read More
"Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar... Read More
I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark... Read More
Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around... Read More
Every day, or at least every other day, we make... Read More
I am currently perplexed by the concept of outgoing mail.... Read More
Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in... Read More
Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time... Read More
A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.We... Read More
For me, the piano is the symbol of what is... Read More
If you are a citizen of UK or Australia, you... Read More
IF, An Online Internet Marketing PoemIf before you have turned... Read More
With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic... Read More
Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few... Read More
It was late in 1775, and King George III was... Read More
Ace of Base hasn't seen the sign for quite some... Read More
Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in... Read More
I... Read More
My dad's lab was a mess, but then it was... Read More
Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital... Read More
This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around... Read More
Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his... Read More
This morning I decided to find myself. I originally looked... Read More
Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in... Read More
Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea... Read More
Have you ever noticed how family members always misbehave at... Read More
Humor & Entertainment |