True Happiness

Most people look outside of themselves as the cause of their unhappiness or frustration. After all, wouldn't life be practically perfect if the significant people in our lives would simply do things the way we want them to or do what we think is best for them? Actually, this is the kind of thinking that perpetuates the misery!

I agree that most of today's unhappiness centers on important people in our lives not cooperating with us. Can anyone relate to that? Have you ever had a child who makes a decision that puts them in serious danger? Have you ever had a significant other decide to relocate or make an employment decision with which you were not in agreement? Did one of your parents ever say something critical to you that rocked your confidence? Ever had a supervisor who micromanaged your work and never gave credit for your good work performance? I think you get the idea. Any one or combination of these things can be a source of unhappiness for us and I'm sure you can add several others to the list.

While we are in situations such as these, it sure feels like if the others in our life would just cooperate and be the way we want them to be, and then our lives would be so much better, happier and more fulfilling. While this may, in fact, be true, what I also believe is this. While we are busy trying to get those significant others in our lives to do things our way, the behaviors we typically engage in to move others in our desired direction are exactly those behaviors that damage, and ultimately destroy, our relationships.

You know the behaviors I'm talking about: punishing, guilting, complaining, nagging, threatening, criticizing, "the silent treatment", and if we are particularly savvy, rewarding to control, otherwise known as bribing.

If you are one of those people whose first choice of action is to negotiate and open the doors of communication, then you are rare. Ask yourself what do you typically resort to when negotiations fail?

I know one of my more polished behaviors is nagging. I am a world class nag---just ask my children. You know the drill. "How about cleaning up your room today?" Thirty minutes later, after the child is still in front of his video game, "Are you going to get to that room today?" Maybe two hours later, several decibels louder, "What about that ROOM?" Then, as a last frustration, it's "Will you get off your lazy a*# and clean your blankety blank blank room!!!!" Ever been there? Did it work to get the room cleaned? In my case, it usually didn't.

However, I've have had some parents tell me that repeated nagging does work but then my next question usually has a different answer---At what cost? What was the cost of getting that room cleaned? First, there was the cost of you losing control and being a person you probably don't want to be and secondly, there was a definite cost to the relationship between you and your child. Do you believe that after an exchange such as that one, the two of you will be ready and willing to have a meaningful discussion about life or anything else about which you may like to talk? Probably not.

What I am about to say probably goes against what you have believed the good majority of your life and that is that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own happiness. If you are waiting for someone to do something differently or for a particular thing to manifest itself in your life in order for you to be happy, then you are operating from the outside in instead of the inside out.

I am not here to tell you to stop what you are currently doing. If you want to hold on to your beliefs that when your husband becomes more affectionate, your children more obedient, your wife more supportive, your boss more appreciative or you to get your education, pay off your credit cards, buy your first home, etc. in order for you to be happy, then go ahead. But for those of us who want to practice inside out thinking, we don't like to give the power to others to control our happiness or any of our other moods or emotions. We know that we are responsible for ourselves and no one else.

What I can help you with is learning how to be the person you want to be, feel the emotions you want to feel by changing what you do and how you think about things. There is a quote I want to leave you with from Jimmy Dean. "You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails." This is representative of true inside out thinking. People and events are going to be what they are around us. There is very little we can do to impact other people's behavior and the uncontrollable events in our lives but there is always something each of us can do to manage those things better.

If you would like to discuss this further, visit www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and check our calendar for upcoming teleclasses, chats and workshops. Until then, begin to recognize situations in your life where you give your power away to others for the way that you feel. Awareness is the first step.

Kim Olver is a licensed professional counselor in two states. She helps others make positive changes and triumph through difficult periods of their lives. She has maintained a private counseling practice and in 2004, decided to move into the field of coaching, where there are a greater number of individuals more highly motivated to make the changes they seek. If you would like to get your life back on track, get closer to important people in your life, better manage the pain and disappointment of life or reduce depression, fear, frustration and anger and develop greater happiness and satisfaction in your life, then Kim is for you! To learn more, go to her website at http://www.TheRelationshipCenter.biz and register for one of her upcoming teleclasses.

---

The American Dream ? At What Cost?

When people are asked, "How many of you are content... Read More

Gratitude For Dummies

Yes, it might feel great to win the lottery. Money,... Read More

Suffering

Since wisdom is the art of coping with suffering, it... Read More

In Pursuit of Happiness

In pursuit of happiness, what will we do as women?... Read More

Body, Mind, and Soul

Being in tune with your mind, body, and soul and... Read More

Follow Your Bliss

Gail was a quiet, shy, young lady. She has been... Read More

The Year Of Happiness

I have decided to declare 2004 as the YEAR OF... Read More

Happiness is Yours for the Taking

Happiness. The pursuit of so many. In fact, we are... Read More

Happy Buttons

What makes you happy? What are the simple pleasures that... Read More

Can Existential Therapy Give You a Sense of Wellbeing?

My journey to becoming a therapist began with a desire... Read More

Divining Your Karmic Number

Your karmic number interpretation tells you what you need to... Read More

Happiness Is A State Of Mind, Im Happy... I Think!

You have the power to attract and repel anything in... Read More

Health, Wealth, and Love

What is happiness? The dictionary defines it as "a state... Read More

Inner Peace

Are you content and at inner peace?Or are you insecure... Read More

A Great Life? How to Score Your Life

Is your life really the life you want?Quickly determine how... Read More

Happiness And Health Are The Two Most Important Things In Life

The world is becoming obsessed with money and all things... Read More

Simplify - and Be Happy

People's lives today are jam-packed with great projects, ideas, to-do... Read More

Get Out Those Legos

Many of my clients are working harder than smarter. This... Read More

Healthy, Wealthy and Happy in 2005

Life is simple. You'd be surprised to know that most... Read More

Most of Your Unhappiness in Life is Due to...

I want to share with you today one of those... Read More

Many Blessings

"Reflect on your present blessings of which every man has... Read More

How To Focus On The Positive Qualities Of Your Relationship

The quality of your life has a strong connection with... Read More

How To Experience A Richer, Deeper, And Fuller Life

When we choose to move beyond the boundaries of the... Read More

Laughter and Your Health

Did you know that according to research, children laugh about... Read More

Boosting Your Success with Six Easy Happiness Tips

In what areas of your life would you like to... Read More

Happiness-Marriage-Love-Divorce-Suicide-Peace Within-college

Too many of us seem to think that there should... Read More

SOLD! Again! Contrast Can Work FOR You

Have you ever had an experience where everything you wanted... Read More

5 Keys to Understanding Why Your Life (probably) Sucks! #3

The outcome of Reason # 2 is that you become... Read More

Happiness Fleeting

"You cannot capture happiness no matter how hard you may... Read More

Choose To Integrate Body, Mind, & Soul

Our bodies were made in such a way that everything... Read More

Quick Steps On Being Happier

Want to be happier?Edward W. Smith, motivational speaker, author and... Read More

Life Purpose: How To Be in Love with Life

Falling In Love with LifeThere is no feeling in the... Read More

Could Your Thoughts Sabotage Your Happiness? Take This Quiz And Find Out

Women are conditioned to be people pleasers. Women are taught... Read More