No Happiness Without Patience

I'm searching for modern happiness. The old-fashioned kind takes just too long. That happiness requires patience and I don't want to wait. I want upgraded happiness. I want release 4.02, the "new and improved" version.

This is the 21st century and I demand instant gratification.

Once upon a time, you had to wait to eat your meal. Even when the Mammoth Burger walk-through was open, they offered only self-kill meals. And when you brought them home, you still had to get the fire started.

"What? Mammoth burger again? How you cook?"

"Ugh. Start fire for cave lady."

"Hah. You probably burn cave down."

"Hah you. No can burn cave down. Buy insurance policy."

"How you start fire?"

"Rub two fingers together. Make big flame. Cook mammoth burger."

"Last time you burn fingers."

"Yummy."

Nobody lights a fire these days. People don't even light ovens anymore. It takes just too long to heat up a meal. It takes just too much patience. I'm hungry now, not 40 minutes from now. That's why God gave us microwave ovens. Just pop the food in and whrrr ?BEEP- out it comes, nicely warmed for immediate consumption. That's how I want my happiness ? toasty warm and right now!

"Ooh. No more burn fingers."

Consider the Internet. You type "electric toothpicks". You hit "enter". Google responds: "Search took 1.02 seconds."

"Seems kinda slow," you think. "Google is ready for the geriatric ward." You click on the first result ? something about an electric eel eating a balanced breakfast ? and a blank screen appears. You wait.

TRIVIA QUESTION: Did you know that Shakespeare once waited almost twenty seconds for a web site to appear, so he could find a word that rhymed with cardiologist? The web site finally appeared in 1997, but he had given up waiting by then.

Five seconds pass. Time's up and still not site. Your instant gratification cells have been offended. You surf to another site.

"Ugh. No get Mammoth Burger web site. This thing no work."

"That thing rock."

"Rock broken. Go to mammoth burger walk-through"

I don't want to walk to get happiness. I want it delivered now. Not twenty seconds later, even if it does rhyme with cardiologist. Not 1.02 seconds later. I want happiness now.

Remember the olden days when you had to extract your posterior from the couch to change channels? That took such a monumental effort that most people sat through whole television shows without changing channels. Of course, that might have been because the other channel was playing Lawrence Welk.

Back in the two-channel universe there was always something on. Now we flip through 472 channels, which keeps us busy while wishing for something worth watching.

Thanks to the remote control, affectionately known by its technical term ? the doodadder ? we can flip channels at a relaxed pace of 15 to 20 per minute without even breaking into a sweat. Imagine our body odor if we had to extract our posteriors from the couch each time we change channels!

"Ugh. No like show. Change channels."

"That thing rock."

"Rock need more channels. This play only test pattern."

Happiness should be like television. If I don't get instant gratification, I should be able to change channels with a zap.

The checkout clerk who doesn't care...ZAP!

The driver kissing my rear bumper...ZAP!

The loudmouth yakking in the cinema...ZAP!

The telemarketer who calls during dinner...ZAP!

Come to think of it, all those annoying people in my way at the grocery store, at the ticket booth, in the parking lot, in the waiting room...ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

"Miss Wooly no give me mammoth burger."

"What you do?"

"I zap her with club. Take mammoth burger."

"Ugh. You invent self-serve."

Sigh. Happiness is not like a microwave oven. Nor like the Internet. Not even like a doodadder. Happiness does not run on the instant gratification system. Happiness takes patience. Lord, please grant me the patience I lack...and I want it now!

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt. Sign up for his weekly satire column up at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html. Or join in the happiness at http://www.thehappyguy.com.

Info@TheHappyGuy.com

---

Three Inspirations for Happiness

The following three inspirations were adapted from A Daily Dose... Read More

The American Dream ? At What Cost?

When people are asked, "How many of you are content... Read More

Suffering and Happiness

The one feature that sets life on Earth apart from... Read More

Emotional Baggage

We all have them. It has many faces. We carry... Read More

Why Laughter Is Good For You

How Laughter Can Reduce Stress and Improve Your HealthA merry... Read More

Happiness

Without getting into the core basics of philosophy, I will... Read More

Letting Go of Anger and Awaken to Lifes Grand Aventures

Anger can make us feel good and enlivened for a... Read More

Top 10 Secrets for Being HAPPY!

One of my favorite songs is Bobby McFerrin's refrain, "Don't... Read More

Happiness - A Choice You Must Make

Over the course of my life's journey I have come... Read More

The ABCs Of A Great Life: J Is For Joviality

Laughter, humor, a lighthearted sense of being - all of... Read More

7 Things Happy People Know How To Do

Ever notice how some people just seem to be able... Read More

The Gift is in the Giving

I have to be honest. I made the woman cashier... Read More

Get Right! Make a Difference

Want to make a difference? What can one person do?... Read More

Its All About Me: Why Its Good to Be Selfish

I started thinking about this topic during a discussion of... Read More

Change 1 Thing Per Month - Making it Great One Step at a Time

So you're stuck in a rut, bored with how your... Read More

Can You Really Let Go Of Your Huge Internal Struggle?

When I was in graduate school for psychology, we had... Read More

Creating Better Relationships

The most important achievements you can ever have in this... Read More

What The Bleep Are You So Happy About?

Could you stand to have a lot more happiness in... Read More

Suffering

Since wisdom is the art of coping with suffering, it... Read More

Life or Lifestyle?

"When you live the life you were meant to live,... Read More

Quick Steps On Being Happier

Want to be happier?Edward W. Smith, motivational speaker, author and... Read More

Clearing a Path for Happiness

In the United States, the pursuit of happiness is a... Read More

Get Out Those Legos

Many of my clients are working harder than smarter. This... Read More

Flow as in Flower

The seeds you sow determine the crop you reap. This... Read More

Happiness Fleeting

"You cannot capture happiness no matter how hard you may... Read More

Uncovering Your Joy: Using a Personal Journal to Discover a Life Filled with Happiness

Author Tristine Rainer wrote "Happiness within a diary has less... Read More

Great Relationship Problem Solving Technique

This is one of my all time favourite problem solving... Read More

Choose To Integrate Body, Mind, & Soul

Our bodies were made in such a way that everything... Read More

Are You Getting in the Way?

Getting out of our busy mode and into our heart... Read More

A Model of Happiness

Everyone I've ever met considers happiness to be desirable. There... Read More

The Great Opportunity

I assume you want to be happier. Searching for greater... Read More

Happiness Is In Our Own Hands

Other people can bring tremendous happiness to our lives but... Read More

Forgive to Succeed - Im Talking to the You Behind Your Eyes

If your blood is still pumping through your veins, you... Read More