How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things Over

How to Control Your Anger: Retreat and Think Things Over

Jim and Mary Jones loved each other deeply, but often went into horrific verbal battles over any number of issues. They would argue and yell for hours, often into the night, leaving both of them exhausted, emotionally disconnected, hurt and resentful toward each other.

Both became so upset they were flooded with negative feelings which prevented their being able to repair the damage, to think rationally, or to problem-solve the issues at hand.

Much of this emotional suffering could have been prevented or least minimized had they learned anger control tool #8:

-"Retreat and Think Things Over."

Basically this means to temporarily distance yourself from the situation for a period of time so that both of you can calm down. This allows your bodily systems to return to normal, and allows your normally good reasoning and thinking ability to return.

Easier Said Than Done

Yes, it is much easier said than done. It is one of those tools that sounds deceptively simple, yet it is by no means easy to do for at least two reasons:

There is a common myth that all relationship conflicts should be "settled" in the moment while the intense feelings are present. If you do not do this, you may be accused of "avoiding" the issue.

Once stress or anger levels escalate to a certain point, one or both partners reach a point of no-return, due to flooding of the brain with intense emotions. This makes it almost impossible to disengage from each other and stop the fight.

Heed these Warning Signs

You know it is time to Retreat and Think Things Over when you are:

? Feeling overwhelmed during an argument
? Raising your voice to an unusual level
? Feeling your temper is out of control
? You notice your heart racing
? Sense your muscles tensing
? Can't think straight and you start to feel hostile.

Why this tool works

Temporarily removing yourself from the situation allows your body to return to normal, provides a cooling-down time. It also allows your brain to return to its normal state where you can reason and think better.

This tool helps prevents you or your partner from saying unfair or hurtful things in the heat of battle-which can easily escalate into further conflicts and resentments, causing you and your partner to become even more emotionally cut-off and distanced from each other.

Some Basic Rules

While the concept of "Retreat and Think Things Over" is simple, it will not work very well unless the following rules are followed:

Rule #1: You can only use the tool for yourself - not your partner. It does not usually work for you to tell your partner it is time for them to retreat.

Rule #2: Announce that you need to take a time out and Retreat before you do it. This should be done using assertive communication in a way that clearly conveys your need to leave before thing get out of hand, as opposed to your leaving to merely avoid dealing with the situation.

Rule #3- You need to commit to a reasonable length of time to return and deal with the issue- no longer than several hours, as a general rule.

Rule #4: Don't drink or use drugs to get high during this time. It will be much harder, if not impossible, to convince your partner of your sincerity in wanting to work things out if you return intoxicated or high.

Rule #5: Be very careful and very selective in who you talk to during your Retreat Time. While there is a natural tendency to contact a friend or family member who is sympathetic, you should be careful.

Why is this important? Because they may have a permanently negative view of your partner, even after you have made-up and things are now fixed in the relationship.You can't necessarily expect your family to turn the positive emotions back on like you have.

Temporarily removing yourself from the situation allows your body and mind to return to normal, allowing your normally good reasoning to return.

Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee" at http://www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports.

---

Is Time Really Easier to Sell than Products? Generate Extra Revenue by Packaging Up What You Know

Over the years I've worked with very many coaches and... Read More

It?s All To Do With The Way You Wake Up

Do you start your day with anger, frustration and annoyance... Read More

Surviving the Workday in Your Organization

Most people suffer from stress at some time during the... Read More

The Fastest Way to Ruin Yourself

I don't know many people who would admit to wanting... Read More

7 Effective Ways To Boost Your Self Esteem

1. Get a life purpose statement.A well thought out life... Read More

W Edwards Deming

Immediately post second world war W Edwards Deming went to... Read More

The Great Marketing Reframe

From grimaces to stomach knots, talking about marketing seems to... Read More

A Call To Do Better

I'm calling you out. Issuing a Challenge. Relax, It's not... Read More

What Does It Take To Have It All In Life?

Many people have asked me why I wrote my book,... Read More

How to Make $100,000 Dollars as a Personal Trainer ? Part A for Attitude!

My name is Greg Ryan. For the last twenty years... Read More

Why Don?t You Just Stuff It ALL?

You got busy at work, got busy in your marriage,... Read More

The Self Development Tool Box

Do you have a self-development toolbox? Do you have a... Read More

Control, Helplessness, and Love

During my 35 years of counseling individuals, couples, families and... Read More

How to Deal Effectively with Anxiety

Every human feels anxiety on occasion; it is a part... Read More

Mentors and Coaches: How to Find a Great Mentor

A career coach or mentor is a person who can... Read More

A Fresh Look at the Choices We Make

We are frequently held back from making future plans or... Read More

Listen To Me Lad Says Jack

Once upon a time, a very long time ago, when... Read More

Masterminding Success - How to Start a Masterminding Meeting?

Masterminding is about a group of like-minded, achievement-oriented individuals who... Read More

Bringing Forgiveness Down To Earth

What does it mean to forgive?One of the first things... Read More

Trust In The Moment, and Trust In Yourself

Do you often get yourself upset and feeling less than... Read More

How To Improve Your Selling Skills -- With Coaching Skills

But people love being coached. It's respectful and considerate of... Read More

Automatic Brain Works Overtime For You

Use all of your brain to be your most effective."Running... Read More

Personal Core Values: Your Key to Success and Happiness

Each of us has our own set of personal values;... Read More

Coaching for Results

He's a very successful sales manger who craves results. He... Read More

How to Tune In Your Brain & Feel Confident with People in Moments

One day when I was in school, many years ago,... Read More

Coaching Skills

IntroductionThe question for leaders in organizations today is how do... Read More

Emotional Dependency or Emotional Responsibility

Emotional dependency means getting one's good feelings from outside oneself.... Read More

Becoming An Information Filter And A Knowledge Sponge

As the title states, "Become an Information Filter and a... Read More

An Example of Allowing a Desire to Arrive on Its Own

I don't know why, but it seems we trip over... Read More

Executive Coaching Case Studies

If you are wondering whether investment in executive coaching would... Read More

The Magic of Hearing

I'm working on a coach training certification, and one of... Read More

What I Would Include In A Coaching Book

A coach is an essential figure in providing direction and... Read More

God, Grant Me Patience.....And, I Want It Now!!

Are you facing a difficult time in your life? Do... Read More