Q: A parent writes in to ask, "You write a lot about the difference between controlling and managing teenagers. What's the difference........., and how do we do it in our family?"
A: In the counseling and seminars that I do, I have found that many parents are confused about the difference between controlling and managing their teenagers. In my experience, there is not only a huge difference, it's "the difference that makes a difference" when it comes to successfully dealing with the teen years in a family.
The control approach
Taking a control approach in a family will typically breed resentment and rebellion in a teenager, and exasperation and angerthe part of the parents. While the control approach may get compliance, it also breeds an attitude of "I'll do what you say now, but I'm going to get you back someday."
The managmement approach
Coming from a management approach breeds respect and cooperation, as well as an attitude of "let's work together as a team." As I have said before, trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla - it's only going to frustrate you and make the gorilla mad.
Now in no way am I saying that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. The difference between trying to control vs. manage a teenager is all in how you approach the situation.
A management approach meets the following six criteria:
1) The parents are clearly in charge
When I work with parents to take a management approach with teens, in no way am I suggesting that parents let kids do whatever they want. Quite the contrary, a key sign of a healthy and strong family is when the parents are clearly in charge. The key distinction comes down to the difference between an authoritarian style and an authoritative style on the part of the parents. An authoritarian style comes from a controlling approach, while an authoritative style comes from a management approach.
A good example of an authoritarian style can be found in the movie The Great Santini. This family was ruled by the iron hand of the father, a military man, who tried to run his family like he ran his troops, complete with morning inspections.
The best example I've been able to find of an authoritative style is The Huxtables of The Cosby Show. If you think back to the show or watch the re-runs, you will notice that in the Huxtable family, the parents are clearly in charge. At the same time, there is compassion and caring for all the family members. One strong indication of this is that while each child may not always get a vote, they almost always have a voice.
2) The teen, over time, learns and earns the ability to be more and more in charge of themselves
Notice I said over time. This simply means that the parents give the kid enough rope, not to hang themselves, to coin a phrase, but to grow themselves. You don't hand someone who has had little or no responsibility a huge responsibility all at once. You give them a little bit, and then a little bit more, and so on and so on.
3) There is a clear map for continually building trust and responsibility
In a management approach, there is no guessing on the part of parent or kid. Everyone knows how trust and responsibility are earned in the family. The rules are clear with little or no surprises.
4) The parents have a way to monitor the progress of the teen
One way to do this is to simply measure trust on a scale from 1 to 10. In this way, the parents have a clear and objective way of monitoring the progress of their teenager.
5) There are clear consequences when the teen demonstrates that they cannot be in charge of themselves (just like in the real world)
There is a proverb that goes something like this "raise up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it." What this implies is that at some point along the way, they are going to depart from it. It's simply part of the territory that kids are going to mess up. Before this happens, there needs to be a simple understanding about what will happen when the mess ups occur.
6) There is a clear map for how to earn back trust and responsibility
Many parents tend to look at trust as an either or situation - either you trust them completely or not at all. Using a scale from one to ten not only gives parents a way to monitor progress, it can provide a map for how to earn trust back when it is damaged.
Successfully steering a family through the teen years is one of the most difficult jobs a parent will ever face. Using the six point management approach can help parents to get their kids, and themselves, through the adolescent years with most of their sanity intact.
Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
Maintaining a safe home environment for your childrenAs adults and... Read More
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience... Read More
According to the American Sleep Association 70% of all babies... Read More
Having a high level of emotional intelligence in your children... Read More
When my firstborn arrived into this serene and peaceful household,... Read More
1 - Forgive even if you will never be able... Read More
Your child's first year of school should be a fun... Read More
Here is an easy, inexpensive and fun kid experiment for... Read More
When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More
Most parents at some stage are driven to distraction by... Read More
I have always found the notion of toilet training a... Read More
Though you can cover even very long distances by car... Read More
Coupons can be a great tool in educating your child... Read More
Did you know that inconsistency on matters of discipline gives... Read More
There are times when my ideas of raising a child... Read More
Dads, please let me encourage you to change some things... Read More
This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist,... Read More
Suppose that you rearrange your life to homeschool your child... Read More
Is it hard to communicate with your teenager about issues... Read More
Research published by University of Rochester neuroscientists C. Shawn Green... Read More
In memory of 14 year old Matthew Smith; 11 year... Read More
Is your baby approaching his or her first birthday and... Read More
When I was pregnant, we knew that we had some... Read More
We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's another... Read More
When it's time to put your child into a daycare... Read More
Some children practically potty train themselves, while others struggle and... Read More
Ah, there is nothing like being an expectant mom. Along... Read More
To protect children's self-esteem or deflect complaints by parents, many... Read More
Vacations and trips are great family events, but how do... Read More
During the assessment process it is of great importance for... Read More
Diapers..Changing a dirty diaper is not the best part of... Read More
The subject of competition is one that provokes some pretty... Read More
Anorexia nervosa is a serious medical disorder that is statistically... Read More
As with everything, names go through cycles of change with... Read More
"Walk through any toy store and you will see walls... Read More
It is so important to create an environment that promotes... Read More
There is no doubt that the benefits of being a... Read More
In the news, we hear and see an increasing number... Read More
My son is 6 yrs old. He came home the... Read More
As the kids go back to school, you can go... Read More
Like anything else in life, there's a method to the... Read More
If you ever walk through an orphanage, it will be... Read More
This is one of the most common questions asked of... Read More
The least flexible character in all of the stories of... Read More
Elana, born in Russia, was told "We really don't know... Read More
Imagine a child who lacks ownership of his own life,... Read More
In today's busy world, many parents have lost the art... Read More
If you're a single parent or a married couple on... Read More
Most of us can agree that there is a lack... Read More
Boredom, limited space and overflowing energy are a source of... Read More
At the ADHD Information Library we are big believers that... Read More
Nail biting in all its various forms is problematic... Read More
'I felt great until I walked into the classroom -... Read More
One of the biggest milestones in our children's education is... Read More
When it comes to exams, or indeed any academic work,... Read More
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience... Read More
I have been a single mom for almost 20 years.... Read More
Sometimes dreams really can come true! May 8th - 11th,... Read More
Single parents are not often thought of as good parents.I... Read More
Parents are in a unique position to "monitor" their children's... Read More
There are many parenting styles. Yours may be very different... Read More
Last night Tom's daughter, Sue, came out of her room... Read More
Reasearch into children's friendships shows that those children who are... Read More
To the untrained eye, it might look like a piece... Read More
Is it possible to be using our children addictively?Anything that... Read More
Best friends! It may seem impossible to believe, but today's... Read More
Parenting |