Im a Mom, Shes a Mom: Being an Adult with Your Parents

On one of her quarterly visits to see her grandson, my three-year-old son, my mother ignores the available front seat of the car, crowds into the back next to the car seat and promptly unwraps a lollipop. Feeling the tension rising, I recall the numerous conversations where I so proudly tell my mother how I keep sugar away from my son. "Mom, what are you doing? Haven't you heard a word I said?" And so it starts. The struggle of being an adult with my parent.

So much is written today about taking care of our parents as they age. Monitoring medical care, determining living arrangements and providing emotional support are the new roles that we have taken on to help our parents age gracefully and with dignity. We are the "Sandwich Generation," the growing number of adult children squeezed between the needs of an aging parent and the demands of our own children, spouses and careers. But not much is written about the stage prior to this phase. That time when our parents are still healthy and active and still very much involved in our own lives. I am talking about that period of time when you, yourself, are an active adult, with a family and a husband and life of your very own. That is when the struggle to be an adult with your parents begins. So, which Mom really knows best?

As a Relationship Coach, I often hear, "My mother can get under my skin in less than 10 seconds." After all these years, your parents can still find ways to throw you off-balance and resurrect old habits. They are your biggest fans and your harshest critics. And, whether we like to admit it or not, we continue to want their approval no matter how old, how independent or how successful we are. In short, your parent's opinions remain extremely important. We want our Moms to respect our choices and admire the lives that we created. After all, isn't our success a reflection of their efforts as a mother? But sometimes, they seem so quick to criticize. So what can we do?

Find New Ways to Connect

As a fellow mother and wife, we assume that the best way to connect with our mothers is on issues of parenting, family and marriage. However, these are often hot-bed issues which lead to unwanted advise. Discover other mutual interests to talk about and share. Talk about politics, take walks, meet at the gym, garden together, go to the movies or theater, bring your Mother to your job so she can see where you work and meet colleagues, join a book club. Enrich your relationship by finding other ways to connect and other issues to talk about.

Create Boundaries

We have all heard this, but what exactly does it mean? In an effort to be closer, we sometimes offer too much information. A small detail becomes a point of scrutiny. It is all right to answer our parents' questions with limited information. Be proactive. Offer information about something you know your mother will ask about before she asks. This puts the communication in your hands. Be clear with your mother. Do not expect her to know which areas she can comment on and which areas are off limits. It is your job as the adult child to define the limits.

But be careful, here. You cannot go both ways. You cannot tell your mother that she cannot comment on your husband and then call her when you have a fight with him. Call a girlfriend. Find another network of support for that area.

Validate Feelings and Beliefs.

Your new ways of doing things may feel like a threat to your parents. Without intending to, your way may seem like a personal attack against the way you were raised. Feeling offended, your mother may try to influence you either to retaliate or to create a comfort level. It is important to share with your mom that, as an adult, you have taken all that she has taught you to create new ways of doing things with your family. You have needed to compromise and synthesize everyone's ways to create a new way that works for all. Recognize that you and your mother have a right to your own opinions, even if they are different from each other.

Get a Guide

There is such a stigma in asking for help, especially for woman. However, a third-party perspective can make all the difference in how you communicate with your parents. This does not mean therapy or counseling. Find a Coach, a guide or even clergy who specializes in relationship issues. Be sure your Coach helps you both to focus on your goals for the relationship. In other words, what do you want your future with your Mom to be like? Do you really need to hash out and analyze the past or are you ready to learn the skills to move forward? Also, make sure your Coach can offer immediate tools to use to help you diffuse potentially contentious situations.

Ask Questions.

"Why do you ask?" "How does that make you feel when I do that?" "Why would you do it that way?" What is your mother's real intent when she does something that gets under your skin? If asked, she would probably be shocked that she hurt your feelings. Her intent was to help, not hurt. What is behind that seemingly critical statement or probing question? You may be surprised to find that she has her own agenda that is separate from what seemed like a criticism. Before you react, ask genuinely interested questions. This also takes the focus off of you and onto her.

As my mother offered my son the lollipop, I choked down my frustration and sincerely asked her why she gave him the candy. Her answer caught me off guard. She expressed how hard it was for her that she lives so far away, that she could not help raise him and that she feared he would forget her from visit to visit. She explained that in her limited time with him, she wanted to bring pure joy and excitement and make him feel special. As I listened to this, I recognized that to my mother, all of that was represented in a lollipop. And what kind of mother was I to deny my son all those wonderful feelings? I also recognized that I could be true to my way of doing things and still love and respect my mother.

© 2004, XY Outlook, Inc.

Mimi Azoubel Daniel, MS, CEC is a Certified Life Coach specializing in Relationship Coaching. She works with individuals, couples and businesses to create strong healthy and satisfying relationships at home and in the workplace. She conducts several workshops and is frequent guest speaker. Specifically, Mimi offers the Lasting Marriage Program and The "Y" Workshop, a non-denominational, premarital workshop. For more information, visit http://www.xyoutlook.com.

---

Books Around the House Make A Difference in Literacy Rates

We need a grass roots campaign targeted towards parents to... Read More

Go Ahead - Make Dads Day

Throughout the year, many days of celebration are tucked capriciously... Read More

Crazy Colors Fun Kid Experiment as a Party Activity

Here is an easy, inexpensive and fun kid experiment for... Read More

The Added Advantage In African American Childrens Education: Computer Homeschooling (Part 2)

We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit how... Read More

How You Can Help Your Child To Be An Avid Reader

Reading is the most efficient and economical way to help... Read More

Surviving as a Single Parent

Emotional OverloadMany single parents say they deal with a variety... Read More

Spelling Games

The following spelling games can be used by parents to... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Of Course You Can Search Your Teens Room

Q. We recently caught our son smoking pot, and we... Read More

Teaching Kids the Value of Money

My husband and I have a 12-year-old daughter who wanted... Read More

How to Stop Divorce Parental Conflict from Bursting?

It is not the divorce but the conflict arising after... Read More

Top Ten Reasons to Hold Family Meetings

1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More

Parenting: Blending Familes - 9 Universal Laws

The law of -ing.The law of -ing refers to a... Read More

Raising a Self-Sufficient Teen

Teens don't learn responsibility overnight. If you haven't been working... Read More

Discipline Without Damage

If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More

Parents Demand Dumbed-down Tests:An Unintended Bad Consequence of the No Child Left Behind Act

The No Child Left Behind Act of 2001 is making... Read More

Pay Attention! Its Your Most Important Job

Anyone can become a parent; there are no tests or... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: Are Sleep Overs with the Opposite Sex OK?

Q. Our 17-year-old son wants us to let his girlfriend... Read More

Meet The Twixters!

There is a new stage of development for parents to... Read More

Why Do People Have Kids?

Despite the theory that people have kids because they want... Read More

Childhood Obesity

Economist John Kenneth Galbraith has said that more people die... Read More

Teach Your Child About Money

What are we teaching our children about money? Hopefully something!I... Read More

Parenting Your Teenager: What to Do When Your Teen Feels Left Out

On a recent Saturday evening, I noticed a young teen-age... Read More

Positive Parenting - Oops! I Really Lost My Temper With My Kids, What Now?

Ever blown your top to your children, only to regret... Read More

Spending Time With Your Child

Why Is Spending Time with Your Child So Important?For children... Read More

The Truth Behind Having Children

In the beginning, having children was just a byproduct of... Read More

Children?s Birthday Party Planning: When and When Not to Have a Big Party

Age 1: Invite only family members and close friends only... Read More

The Mystery of Child Beliefs, Spirit in Children, Understanding Spirtuality in Children

In the wonderment of childhood, it is easier for a... Read More

?Gimme? Proof Your Kids: How To Keep Your Child?s Materialism In Check

It's the first day of the summer holiday. Five year-old... Read More

Saying No To Our Children

Saying no to our children is not always easy or... Read More

Building Your Childs Self-Esteem

According to researchers, most children enter school with a good... Read More

Graduated Driver Licensing (GDL) for Teen Drivers

Drivers 16 years of age have little driving experience, putting... Read More

Swing Sets and Outdoor Play Equipment- 5 Essential Tips Before You Buy

For first time parents choosing a swing set or outdoor... Read More

Five Tips for Successful Grandparenting

1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.All children need... Read More