When Your Chicks Leave the Nest

When my son was 18 (and had finished school), he moved into a flat with two of his mates. They were boys we'd known throughout his high school years and the flat was only ten minutes from home, but I cried for two weeks!

It just seemed to me that a major part of my life was over. When your kids are little, you assume that they're always going to be around, leaving trails of Lego blocks all through the house and dirty rings around the bath-tub from all the mud they've accumulated while building cubby houses down the back yard.

But they're not. They grow up and want to spread their wings and live their own lives.

WHEN YOUR CHILDREN LEAVE HOME

My son told me that the reason he wanted to move out, wasn't because he didn't love us or want to be with us. It was because we'd done such a good job raising him to be independent and confident.

I eventually saw the logic in that and it made me realize that our kids do listen to us. We'd spent the past 18 years encouraging him to march to the beat of his own drum and not to slavishly follow others, and now he was going to do just that.

WHEN THEY RETURN

Within six months, he asked if he could move back home -- it was costing him more than he'd thought it would to live independently (we acted surprised), and since he was at university, he didn't really have enough time to do his washing, shopping, housework AND study ... (we acted surprised again).

NEW WAYS OF LIVING

However, we all knew that it wouldn't work if he moved back and we tried to live as we'd done when he was at school. Besides which, his sister had appropriated his room the same day he moved out! She converted it into a pleasant little study-cum-sitting room for herself and wasn't about to be evicted without a struggle.

Fortunately, we had a rumpus room at the far end of the house, which he turned into his domain. He had his own entrance and could come and go without disturbing us. He could also stay up as long as he liked without us telling him to turn out lights etc.

Basically, all the same rules applied, but the justification for them changed.

We had to accept the fact that he now made all the important decisions about his life, and we couldn't treat him as a child. But he also accepted the fact that he owed us certain courtesies -- he always rang to let us know if he would be late home (so we wouldn't worry and so we could organise meals). He let us know where he was going and who he'd be with (as a courtesy and in case we needed to pass on his whereabouts to friends who phoned).

He's now 30 and married, and both he and his sister have moved in and out of home several times, according to the state of their finances, leases and overseas trips.

The secret to successful, stress-free living with adult children is all in the mind!

HAVE A LITTLE FAITH

Remember that you gave them all their values, beliefs and attitudes and put your trust in the way you've brought them up. You can't afford to criticise the way they do things, (or their taste in music, clothes or friends). Put yourself in their place and remember how you feel when anyone scoffs at something you value, and bite your tongue before you make even a light-hearted comment about their latest CD or hairstyle.

PRACTICAL MATTERS

On a practical note, you should try to provide as much separate living space as you can. Somewhere where your star boarder can have his or her own music, TV, video, computer or whatever is vital. A comfortable chair for reading, a desk for students and enough storage space are also essential.

If you have a room with an ensuite bathroom, it's probably worth giving that up, so that your child has that extra privacy. You and your spouse can go back to using the main bathroom and it will remove another source of potential conflict (criticizing the way the bathroom is left). Visitors will use the main bathroom and that's the one you look after.

With just a bit of planning and co-operation, you can make living with your adult children a real pleasure for everyone.

If the spelling of words like "organise" worried you, please read this: http://www.write101.com/aus.htm

Jennifer Stewart has a degree in English and History and taught senior High School for over twenty years. During that time, she was Head of Department, responsible for devising and implementing teaching programs, and for supervising young teachers. After leaving full-time teaching, she wrote (and now markets) writing courses for students and adults who want to improve their writing skills. Visit her website at http://www.write101.com and subscribe to free, weekly Writing Tips: mailto:WritingTips-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Jennifer also offers professional writing services - copy writing, editing and proof reading for your web pages, press releases, technical booklets, newsletters, business proposals, reports or any other writing projects.

---

How to Stop Divorce Parental Conflict from Bursting?

It is not the divorce but the conflict arising after... Read More

End Babysitter Abuse

Not many things are more upsetting than discovering that your... Read More

Responsible Fatherhood - A Unique And Irreplaceable Role!

Something happened the other day that made me feel uneasy.... Read More

Why Wont My Teens Clean Their Room?

Have you ever had this struggle with your teens? Did... Read More

Camps for Troubled Teens: Disciplines and Wilderness

Parents looking for a quick fix usually choose troubled teen... Read More

Parents Complaints --- Arrogant Public Schools Turn a Deaf Ear

School authorities continually claim that they want more parent cooperation... Read More

Develop Your Childs Genius: One Step Farther

When is a person brilliant? When does a person show... Read More

Role Models for Your Teen

By the time your children reach their teens, there is... Read More

Is Your Discipline Damaging the Spirit of the Child?

If your parenting methods include abuse of any kind; physical,... Read More

ADHD: Dialogue with a Non-Believer, Part Four

Dear Sir, It was with some interest that I read... Read More

Power Foods for a Powerful School Lunch

There isn't a school day that goes by that I... Read More

Pick Your Fights With Your Teenager Wisely

I know as a single parent or even with 2... Read More

Detox To Help Conception

Detox To Conceive.. If you're having trouble conceiving... Read More

Dads, Handle your Kids Mistakes

One of the most difficult parts of being a father... Read More

Internet Dangers - Protecting Children from Internet Jeopardy

Parents are in a unique position to "monitor" their children's... Read More

Muscle Pain And Children Do Not Mix

I am in pain. I've been in pain all day.... Read More

Awesome Dads Top Ten Communication Intentions

An Awesome Dad in by no means perfect. But that... Read More

The Scientific Breakthrough That Allows Every Couple To Choose The Gender Of Their Baby

The advances in science over the past century have been... Read More

Inattentive ADHD: Just Like Winnie the Pooh

Winnie the Pooh is the classic picture of Inattentive ADHD.... Read More

Bullies

Bullies are an ugly but very real part of childhood.... Read More

How to Make Kids More Likeable?

Nothing touches the heartstrings of a parent more than the... Read More

Parents --- Your Childrens Report Card May Be Rigged

Under the "No Child Left Behind Act," public schools whose... Read More

His Toy, Her Toy

I remember when my daughter was born. Visions of her... Read More

Guide to Choosing Plush Toys for Children

Many people consider plush toys great for children. They say... Read More

How to Take Charge of the TV

Many children enjoy TV, and they can learn from it.... Read More

Develop Your Childs Genius - Developing Leadership Qualities

Often I have heard that leaders are born, not made.... Read More

Unilateral Disarmament - The First Step to Improving Communications with Your Teenagers

Many times, we are so conditioned in how we speak... Read More

Parenting Predicaments

Predicament:My son is 4 1/2 years old. His younger brother... Read More

Top Ten Reasons to Hold Family Meetings

1. Make stronger connections among individuals and, therefore, creates a... Read More

Anorexia Nervosa Alert - is Your Daughter Dying To Be Thin?

Anorexia nervosa is a serious medical disorder that is statistically... Read More

Why Creativity and Self-Expression are Important to Little Kids

Can you draw a straight line? Most adults don't consider... Read More

Relate With Your Teen And Gain Their Trust

We were all teens at one time for some many... Read More

Words of Wisdom for Single Parents

The cost of being a parent and raising a child... Read More